Phyllis Dillerisms......

[bassman]

 Phyllis Dillerisms.....

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

 
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller 

 
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

 
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

 
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller 

 
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

 
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

 
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller 

 
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

 
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller 

 
 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

 
 
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -  keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

 
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

 
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

[Ramie]

Hard to find good intelligent humor today, now it seems it's all swear words and sexual innuendo.

[John Schmidt]

Those are great. I used to love watching her, Red Skelton, Carol Burnett and her gang, the type of humor you could have in mixed company including your kids. 

[Patrick]

Yep, where can you hear comedy like that today. She was a riot.

[Ramie]

When I finished putting in the new floor in my bathroom and installing the new vanity I was walking around like Tim Conway when he played the old man on the Carol Burnette show.  It didn't feel very funny but I had to laugh just thinking of the comparison, those guys where a hoot.

[Cracker Jack]

Yep, where can you hear comedy like that today. She was a riot.

I hear that comedy every day  plus "Mama's Family", "Carol Burnett Show", "I Love Lucy", and many other classics over the air on "Me TV" channel.