H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Blonde joke of the week.


A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...



~









Win a Bagel

[Roy]

Bambi the dumb blonde was in her American History class when she was asked by the instructor:

 

Bambi, what can you tell the class about Roe vs Wade!

 

Bambi thought for a moment then said:

*

*




~

 






~


That's what Washington had to decide when he needed to cross the Delaware!!!

[Roy]

Traffic Warning in Amish Country...




An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer says
.
"You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replies.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles.

I consider that animal abuse," says the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asks Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," she answers.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asks her husband.

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."








`

[Roy]

Sturgis, South Dakota back in the day.   Smells better now.

[Roy]

Instant Whiteout would have been difficult for a motorcyclist.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=705_1297160012

[Roy]

New Drink. . . (Groaner)







There is reported a new drink at bars in the United States.  It is called the Bin Ladin...

 




Two shots and a splash of water....

[musclehead]

did you hear Osama had blue eyes?







one blew this way and one blew that way   

[Roy]

Good one Mhead   

[Roy]

PG for language.

Warning: Contents may amuse.


 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
 
The Moral of the story?   
 
Even though the others do all the work..

 

The ass hole is usually in charge.

[Roy]

Do you know who I am lady?


As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:



During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.


Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."


The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.


"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."


With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "BLEEP you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

[czuch]

The rectum is the smartest part of the body.
It has to distunguish between a solid, a gas, or a liquid, in a nanosecond.

[sugerbear]

BUT..............as we get older, you can't always trust it's decision!!

[Roy]

Donald & Daisy...


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."


Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.


"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.



So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.



"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.



The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"




"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"








`

[Roy]

If Osama Bin Laden's remains were canned, what would the label say?






~








~




FISH FOOD
W A R N I N G . . . TRACES OF LEAD





`

[Roy]

`

[Roy]

Amy, a blond Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher...


 
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy,

"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. 

I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"


So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front

door.  Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long row of cows

and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

"Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

 

That's simple.  By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:

 

 ~



~

 

"I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

[Roy]

She got the present she asked for...



0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.




She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. 

[Roy]

Always ask questions...


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.   He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.  Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.   He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.   The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN’, he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.   Finally he stammered,




~






  'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Roy]

Rogue U.S. Navy SEAL Team..



















`

[mario]

good stuff roy. thanks for the laughs. 

[Roy]

Gentlemen ...

 

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise..
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Dec. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Roy]

Terrorist cell right under our noses in the U.S.


The main Chrysler auto factory in Michigan
informed me they discovered a terrorist cell working in thier midst. They found the following terrorists by name:






Bin Sleepin
Bin Drinking
Bin Slackin
Bin Wackin
Bin Complainin

The only terrorist they could not find was Bin Workin!





`

[Roy]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally



cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone



again, I will kill them!'










The word got around and nobody called



him that any more.




Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird



forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'



He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into



the forest where he made love to her all day and



all night. He made love to her all the next day,



until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.










The word got around that Onestone meant what



he promised he would do.



Years went by and no



one dared call him by his given name until a woman



named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being



away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was



overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him



and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'



Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,



then he made love to her all day, made love to her all



night, made love to her all the next day, made love to



her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!







Why ???




OH, come on ... take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!




Everyone knows...



You can't kill Two Birds



with OneStone !!!












`

[Roy]

What Confucius did not say...




Man who wants  pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.



Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.


Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

 

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


 It takes many nails to build a crib, one screw to fill it.


 Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


 Man who stands on toilet is high on pot


 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 Finally...





CONFUCIUS DOES SAY. . . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"





`               

[Roy]

 
Inside the Taliban's shallow mind. . .


If you refine  heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection  to liquor. You may not think much of what Navy SEAL Team 6 did recently.
  

If you own a  $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but  you can't afford shoes. You probably think Osama sewed 500 Euro's in his robe to escape from Pakistan when it was really to buy more porn.

      

If you have  more wives than teeth. You may also think the Burka enhances a womans looks.
      

If you wipe  your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon  unclean. You may also think the fewer teeth you have the more handsome you are.

      

If you think  vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and  suicide. You may also think
shoes come in two styles, Plain soles and Explosive soles.
      

If you  consider television dangerous but routinely carry  explosives in your clothing. You may also think old ladys make good suicide bombers.

  

If you were  amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other  than setting off roadside bombs.   You may also think Smart Phones can shoot down Drone aircraft overhead.

    

If you have  nothing against women and think every man should own  at least four. You may also think Gadofy sleeps in a tent daily.
      

 If you find  this offensive or racist. .   You may also think the net is the best thing since sliced bread for communicating with fellow Terrorist.







`  


 

[GreenLantern57]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[Roy]

L  O  L  . . .   

[OverdueBill]

DISENCHANTED WIFE WRITES TO TIDE…

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Roy]

YOU COULD HAVE ...



A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four
 
hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice

hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on


the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man

 explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice

 hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,

 the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then

 explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available

 for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here,
 and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
 
famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
 
Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, complains the man again. "Well,

we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the
 
Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and
 
eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the
 
Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
 
this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged

you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too

bad," the man replies.


 "She was here and you could have."

[Roy]

The Question ...

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three
people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best
answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying
on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his
side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first from Canada says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand says. "My answer is, that there is no way
to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Australia says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names.





-

 
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job.

[Roy]

- G - Rated



Three handsome dogs...


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to
reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and
hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can
go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver
and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you
do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,
little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the
Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile , a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab
and says....


-

Liver alone. Cheese mine.







-

[Jess from VA]

Any of You who have ties to New England will appreciate this!!


God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael , "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small green land area jutting into the sea between the Bay of Fundy and the Atlantic Ocean, and said, "What's that one?"

"That's New England, the most beautiful place on earth. There is rolling countryside changing color with every season, rivers and streams, lakes for fishing, forests, hills, and all around the ocean and beautiful beaches. The people from New England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of many good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Not very far from New England is a place called Washington , DC. Wait 'till you see the idiots I put there."

[Jess from VA]

Originating from West (BG) VA, I can post this.


A good ole West Virginia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What do you think you are gonna do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 200 miles of here."  He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He
sees the wife and asks where his brother is.  She says,
"He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.  He yells out to him, "What the hell are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin.  What the hell does it look like I'm a doin?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from West Virginia a bad name, makin everybody think we're stupid.  If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass."

[Roy]

Good one!

[Sludge]

A little Jerry Clower for ya.   

Mr Duvall Scott 0001	powered by Aeva

Jerry Clower - Kiss The Mule	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

Thx for sharing the vid's

 

[Roy]

Encounter...



A virile, middle aged  gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"




She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The encounter finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but cursed if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, stupid,  I'm Norwegian."





.

[musclehead]

true story, best come back ever?

when i worked at the post oriface there were two carriers that nattered back and forth in a good natured way. Carl AKA 'hellboy' because he's a body double for Ron Pearlman and Sean AKA 'snap' short for whippersnapper. he was the youngest carrier at the time at 28 he's 5' 10" and body double for Micheal Moore.
Carl turns around one morning and shouts out to Sean "ya know Snap, I was delivering mail when you were in diapers"

without missing a beat Sean whips around and says "yeah Carl, I'll still be delivering mail when your back in diapers"

5 minutes later we all got up off the floor and wiped the tears from our eyes and got back to work

[Roy]

    

[Jess from VA]

The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.