H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Male or Female?



Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are a few examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

HE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.



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[Roy]

Seniors and the Hypmotist...



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a
trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

" $HIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.



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[Roy]

I want to be the QB.  Have grrrreat hands feeling for the ball.


The  L F L . . . . . . Lingerie Football League (it's for real).


Much less padding than the sissy boys in the NFL.  Lots of skin exposed to possible cuts and scratches compared to those sissy PRO NFL boys.












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I think a mesh bikini or a dental floss bikini would be more appropriate.

Seson tickets may still be available.  This could be the demise of the NFL.















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[Roy]

PADDY...




Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
 


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'


Paddy says " Don't be silly, you must have a vase around here somewhere?





`
 

[cookiedough]

I want to be the QB.  Have grrrreat hands feeling for the ball.


The  L F L . . . . . . Lingerie Football League (it's for real).


Much less padding than the sissy boys in the NFL.  Lots of skin exposed to possible cuts and scratches compared to those sissy PRO NFL boys.












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I think a mesh bikini or a dental floss bikini would be more appropriate.

Seson tickets may still be available.  This could be the demise of the NFL.















`

Oh boy, do I agree that it is fun to watch.  Action packed and some of those bruiser girls are pretty darn tough hitting as well as lookers.  I wouldn't mind being tackled by them, but may be too rough for my liking? 

[tank_post142]

i like the finger up the nose in the last picture! 

[Roy]

I couldn't post all the pic's, to many garments being tugged at and pulled down or off.

Sure beats a NFL game for scenery and keeping my attention up, not sure if I could remember things like what the score is currently.

[Roy]

Something fishy going on here the post total went from 57998 go 57961 in just an instant ? ? ?









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[Roy]

TOAST OF THE NIGHT...





John O'Reilly Hoisted His beer glass and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me Wife.
 
That won him the top prize at the pub For the best toast of the night!
 
He went home and told his Wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"
 
She said, "Aye did ye now? And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church besides me Wife."
 
"Oh, that's very nice indeed, John" Mary said.
 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,Mary."
 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was surprised myself. You know , he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."




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[Roy]

Don't take this the wrong way now...


My facebook mistake...


In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,” rather than, “I’ve just f***ed my fourteen year old Escort.”
 
The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.






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[Roy]

New York City Cabbie...



A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .




The cab driver, an old  gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.




He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,




"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"




The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."




The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs,




sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her.




"Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself 'Vair in da **** is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?















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[Roy]

`


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol


.

[Roy]

Wshing dishes in cold water, are they clean?



Washing Dishes with Cold water: A MUST READ! Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'







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[Roy]

FOR THE FEMALE SAUDI DRIVER . . .







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[Roy]

MORNING CATHOLIC COFFEE IN ROME...



CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
 


Four old Catholic men and a Catholic womanwere having coffee in St. Peters Square.
 


The first Catholic man tells his friends,

 
"My son is a priest,


when he walks into a room,

 
everyone calls him 'Father'."
 


The second Catholic man chirps,


"My son is a Bishop.


When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
 


The third Catholic gent says,


"My son is a Cardinal.


When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
 


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,


"My son is the Pope.


When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
 


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
 


She proudly replies,





I have a daughter,
 


SLIM & TALL,
 


40 D Breasts,
 


24" WAIST, and
 


34" HIPS..
 








When she walks into a room, people say,

Oh MY God!!!!







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[Roy]

OLD MAN'S CHECKUP . . .




An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
 
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
 
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
 "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
 
One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle
 and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."









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[Roy]

STOLEN BIKE...



A biker stumbles drunkenly out of a bar to find that he can't quite recall where he parked his bike.  He looks around for a few minutes, then approaches a police officer across the street to enlist his help.

He says, "Officer, help me, someone has stolen my motorcycle!"

The cop replies, "Okay sir, where did you last see your motorcycle?"

The biker lifts his key ring, "On the end of this key"

The cop laughs the man off and tells him to go to the police station, file a report, and try looking for his bike in the morning.  The biker shrugs off the cop's dismissal, and begins to stumble away.

Before he goes too far, the cop calls after the drunken biker, "Sir, also, your fly is down."

The biker looks down at his open fly and says, "Oh crap!  They took my girlfriend too!"







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[grandpaweaver]

Polish Club Championship

 Connie and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country

 Club. They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship

 and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a
deep valley descending down to a dogleg right.





 Both Connie and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down
 into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top

 of the hill and announces that both balls are within a foot of each

 other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist #4s.



 Connie and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not

 informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its

 number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two

 Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley

 in the middle of the fairway.

 Stosh looks at Connie and says, "We had better get a ruling from a

 tournament official to straighten this out." "This is the Polish Country

 Club Championship and we don't want to be disqualified for making a
 mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead."

 Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist

 golf balls. He then looks up at Connie and Stosh and says,




which one of you is playing the orange ball."

[Roy]

What happens if . . .


You wife wears her 18 hour bra for 19 hours?



You have an erection of 4 or more hours after taking the blue pill?
Does the Nurse come out with a long needle full of muscle relaxant?



Can fat people go "skinny dippine?
or do they go Chunkin Dunkin?



What happens if you are scared half to death twice?




Why is it called Tourist Season if you can't shoot them?












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[Roy]

Did you know?




The Goldberg Brothers invented the automobile air conditioner. Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show ... "Lo, Norm, Hi and Max" ... on the controls.








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[GreenLantern57]

 The Haircut

Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week. 'The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[GJS]

The Haircut

Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week. 'The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

That's too funny     And, way toooooo true

[Roy]

         

[grandpaweaver]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lafayette Street tavern. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on and off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Roy]

Good one!


                

[Roy]

WHAT IS MORE PAINFULL?




I finished work in the shop last night, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The end of the day was really quite beautiful, and the brew stimulated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the b*lls?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the balls. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the balls."









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[Roy]

BEETOVEN'S GRAVE...



tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

 









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[Roy]

Wives VS Canine's . . .



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog??’

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting..

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.






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[Roy]

Singing Fish. . .



Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'







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[Roy]

REASONABLE DOUBT...



A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."








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[bigguy]

[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR . . .


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.



The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,warned, "This is a powerful medicine! You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine fromworking?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine andthen invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.







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[bigguy]

[Roy]

Sometimes you meet the most interesting people on a plane...



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she
was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."









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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[bigguy]