H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

        


Took awhile to figure it out . . .

[Roy]

SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT...



Supermarket Checkout

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
     







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[Roy]

BEER...



I was standing in a bar at the Werribee Plaza yesterday while my wife was shopping and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
 
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says, "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?"
 
 
"No," I say, "it's because you're drinking my beer you little prick."








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[Roy]

HANDGUNS PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE FAMILY...



Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.







An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"






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[Roy]

SHE WAS THE THE TOWN GOSSIP AND HIGHLY MORAL...


Milly, the Town Gossip



Mildred, the local, small-town church gossip and self-appointed monitor of high morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her spying and gossip but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

 She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing and made it clear that she not approve. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

 He didn't explain, defend or deny. Later that evening, George quietly parked his old pickup right in front of Mildred's house and walked home.







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[Roy]

A PENCIL....




The value of a Catholic education and a $2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that dang thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'










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[Roy]

A WELL KNOWN CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY...


A well known criminal defense attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two apparent homeless men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.

His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the attorney. The attorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The attorney says it is okay bring them all, there is enough for everyone.

It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way. Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness.

The attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is about two feet high.









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[Roy]

KNOW WHAT'S IN VIAGRA...


knew it, I knew it!!! I knew the government would make them release the
ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
...

1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat










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[Roy]

NUTRITIONAL MISCONCEPTIONS...



For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 





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[tank_post142]

[Roy]

FOUR LETTER WORDS...



A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.







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[Roy]

PUMPKIN CARVING "RED NECK STYLE"...

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=783_1351041244

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[Roy]

TWO QUICK ITEMS OF "MEDICAL HUMOR"



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".








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[Roy]

NEW PERSON IN PRISON...



A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"





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[Roy]

TAXI...



I went to the local bar last Friday night. A lot of my friends were there and they started buying me beers. I ended up drinking a lot of beer and even a few Margaritias by the end of the night.

As soon as I walked out of the bar I knew I was BLASTED. I thought if I drive home im going to get a DUI. So I got a cab instead. Sure enough. On the way home there was a soberity checkpoint. The Officer saw the Taxi and waved it through. Made it home with no problems right?


Well kind of have one problem.


I never drove a Taxi before that night and now I dont know where to bring it back to.









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[bigguy]

[Roy]

          

[Roy]

WELL SHE'S FRENCH YOU KNOW!




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[Roy]

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE...


Chaim Epstein was at the doctor for his annual checkup.


“I know what you’re going to say,” said Epstein. “High blood pressure.”


“You got it,” said Dr. Rosenberg. “So do you get it from your mother’s side or your father’s side?”


“Neither,” said Epstein. “My wife’s side.”


“What?” said Doctor Rosenberg. “How can you get a condition like this from your wife’s family?”


Oy,” said Epstein, “You should meet them sometime!”








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[grandpaweaver]

Bumper Stickers
 
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

[Roy]

          

[Roy]

NEW HOOK...


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
 
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
 
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 





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[Roy]

BURNED BLONDE...



A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?"
"I tried to call for an ambulance."






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[Roy]

WIFE HAS LOST ALL INTEREST IN MAKING WHOOPI...



A Gentleman has sued his local hospital saying:
after treating his wife recently,
she has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied :
“The woman was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct her eyesight...”







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[grandpaweaver]

A Halloween Fairy Tale

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."

"No problem, dearie," said one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS...


Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Joe ...
Women like that are hard to find."








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[Roy]

MY   X - WIFE WAS KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT TODAY . . .


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[Roy]

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[Jess from VA]

Smile.........(tools)

http://www.flutterby.com/images/2012/10/01/hf_tool_sale.pdf

[Jess from VA]

Think you're having a bad day?

[Roy]

Thanks for the posting, now my day seems much, much better !!

 

[Roy]

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B U S T E D !




On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"









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[Roy]

MCDONALDS HITS AFRICA . . .






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[Roy]

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Teacher . . . Miss Patricia



Miss Patricia decided to start her class with a new assignment, so she began writing furiously on the blackboard. The assignment being a big one, she had to stretch herself to write from the top of the board.She heard a chuckle and instantly recognized the voice. She turned around and demanded, “What did you find so funny, Jerry?”

Jerry replied, “I just saw one of your garters.”

Miss Patricia thundered, “Get out of my class this very moment and I don’t want to see your face for a full week.”

She turned back to writing on the blackboard. She had omitted to write the title of the chapter due to the distraction, so she stretched harder to scribble on the top of the board. A louder giggle echoed in the room and she quickly turned around to ask, “Will you share the joke with the class, Mike?”

Mike replied sheepishly, “I just saw both of your garters.”

She shouted, “Get out of my class. And stay out for a month.”

Embarrassed by the happenings, she dropped the marker and as she bent over to pick it up, Miss Patricia heard loud laughter. As she prepared herself for another round of firing, she noticed Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going, young man?” Miss Patricia boomed.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”









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[Jess Tolbirt]

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

"The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

"The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

[Roy]

Didn't realize it was my turn!


       

[Roy]

OLD BUTCH...



Before the joke starts, remember some farmers put bells around a roosters neck so they can tell they are active.

This is Old Butch , he is John's favorite rooster.
Old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Osceola County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize,
" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win
two of the most coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace
and screwing the majority of them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.










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[Roy]

BUBBA'S SISTER...



Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl."

The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name; maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name 'Denise.'"

What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."







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[Roy]

password security


During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee
was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, the rolled her eyes and said:

"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one
capital."









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