H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

THE CARDIALOGIST's FUNERAL...



This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

　

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate

funeral by the hospital he had worked at for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the

service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking

of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!








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[Roy]

CALL ME MR. WONDERFUL . . .



Foxy woman and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
 "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

 Being the kind-hearted husband that I am,
 I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
 So we walked past it again.







`

[Super Santa]

He never heard the shot!

[Roy]

BLONDE LADY MOTORIST . . .



A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World.














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[Roy]

SPERM COUNT REQUEST . . .



OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow..'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 









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[Roy]

LIFE BEFORE PC'S . . .   (COMPUTER RELATED)  Rated GP




Memory was something that you lost with age.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account
.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy..........


Well, you just hoped nobody found out.

[Roy]

A SCOTTISH ROMANCE...



A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands,
gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the
boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leanedover and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again ... "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee, then he blushed. Then the
Two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said,
"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." Really? " said the lass
in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"









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[Roy]

MANDATORY RETIREMENT LETTER...



Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much Sh!t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of Sh!t they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough Sh!t, please bring this to the attention of your supervisor who has been trained by the government to give you all the Sh!t you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.








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[Roy]

FIRST DATE . . .



A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said,
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.'


(to "root" in England and Australia means to copulate)







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[bigguy]

Now that's what I call collapsing a probability field.

[Roy]

BACK ON THE COUCH AGAIN. . .



`
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you to get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm back on the couch.

[Jess from VA]

Damn right I'm gonna sniff it........ it's what I do. 

[Roy]

Yep, he has that look..

[Roy]

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THEATER SEATS FOR SENIORS . . .



An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.


When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"


"Fred," the old man moaned.


"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

















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[Roy]

Funnies . . .


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
and you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy someone catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
... Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
... In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!
"Young at heart"
(slightly older in other places!)





















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[Roy]

`


Irish Logic . . .



An old Irishman was asked,



"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"



The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson's!



Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"






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[Roy]

THE EMPORER's DAUGHTERS HAND IN MARRIAGE . . .



An emperor has a daughter who's ready to be married. He has three samurai warriors he can't decide to take his daughter's hand so he summoned the three warriors to the palace and told them he have a test for them. he will release a fly and each warrior have to show his swordsmanship.

The first warrior steps up and the emperor released a fly. Swoosh! Swish! The fly dropped to the ground in two pieces.

The emperor is impressed.

The second warrior steps up and the emperor released a fly. Swish! Swoosh! The fly dropped to the ground minus his wings.

The emperor is really impressed.

The third warrior steps up and the emperor released a fly. Swoosh! Swish! The fly flies away.

The emperor said, "Alas! The fly is still alive!"

The third warrior said, "Yes he is your highness but he will no longer reproduce."

They got married the next day.








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[Jess from VA]

Get well soon?

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

WOMEN AND CATS . . .




Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should

relax and get used to the idea. -









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[Roy]

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman) . . .




I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We
were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto
heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days
to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend_

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a
black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we
made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask
over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in
the door and saw me he said:







What's for dinner, Zorro?






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[GJS]

Arthur Davidson in Heaven

"Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".

-Wags"

[Roy]

Outrageously funny !


          

[Roy]

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THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL YOU GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....



A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland.












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[Roy]

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Doctor Jokes by Henny Youngman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

- My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

- The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

- The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

- A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

- "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

- A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

- A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

- "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

- Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."








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[Roy]

You gotta love senior widows. . .



Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"-------

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."









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[Jess from VA]

[Roy]

          

[Roy]

STAY OFF YOUR BICYCLE . . .


My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she
took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair
in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear
fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to
keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some
"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."






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[Roy]

JET FUEL DRINKING. . .


Dick and Bill were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in San Diego, California. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dick said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
 
Bill says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of Jet A-1 and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Bill. Bill says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dick says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Bill says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
 
Dick says,"'No, that Jet A-1 is great stuff ... no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't ... because I'm in Albuquerque."







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[bigguy]

[Roy]

That's a good one!  but a solution to what?

        

[Roy]

WHY WIVES SHOULD NOT GO HUNTING?



It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
 
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
 
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
 
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
 
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos , Texas .
 
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
 
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
 
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
 
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
 
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Game Warden with his hands high in the air.
 
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your darn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"






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[Roy]

FIRST DAY OF WORK AT THE ZOO . . .   (joke from Germany)





A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees.




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[bigguy]

[wdvalk]

[grandpaweaver]

can't stop laughing and everyone here wants to know whats so funny

[tonyfan70]

I was sitting at a stoplight when a car full of muslims pulled up next to me.  They were all screaming anti-American slogans and there was a half burned American flag taped to the trunk.  Remember 9/11 was spray painted on the doors.  The light turned green and they pulled away and ....WHAM...they got t-boned by an 18 wheeler, killing them all instantly.  "Holy crap!", I thought. That could of been me!!

The next day I enrolled in truck driving school.

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

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