H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Haven't seen a Pay Potty for years, they must have been outlawed, at least in some states?

[Jess from VA]

Overheard in a bar.........

       I  can't believe my wife is going to be a lesbian now.......... I mean, she hates oral sex, really hates it!

[Roy]

Holiday Spirits . . .



With the Christmas Holiday Season upon us
I would like to share a personal experience
about drinking and driving.

We have all heard about the traffic police
setting up holiday sobriety check-point road-blocks
 for drivers on the way home from a "social night" out.

Well, two days ago I attended a Christmas celebration,
and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling rather jolly, I still had the sense to know
that I might be slightly over the limit.
 

That's when I did something that I've never done before -
I took a cab home.

Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block.
But since it was a cab, they just waved me past -
and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before.
 

I don't remember where I got it,
and now that it's in my garage -
I don't know what to do with it!
 







`

[Roy]

You van't win . . .



There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"








`

[Roy]

What the Mayan Calendar actually did . . .





`










`

[Roy]

50 Shades of GOLF . . .


Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.

This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their
yearly golf getaway.

And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs
already set up on his cart.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades
Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom.

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."

Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!






`

[Roy]

Is your PC a he or a she?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be
refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to
as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.







`

[Roy]

`


 came from a small town. There were two drugstores at the corner of Main Street and Broadway, across the street from each other. They had soda fountains (ice cream cones, malts, service counter, stools to sit on, etc.)

It was hard to get by in those days and equally hard to find a job to make a little extra money. One of the high school freshmen applied for a part time job at one of the drugstores...and was hired.

Having little to do in the way of entertainment, some of the seniors decided to play a trick on the new employee. During lunch hour when school was out and the owner was home for lunch, some of the seniors entered the drugstore and asked the freshman employee for a package of snake feathers.

The employee looked high and low for snake feathers, climbing a ladder, disarranging the displays and really working up a sweat. After a bit the seniors departed, laughing all the way back to the schoolhouse, relishing in the trick they had just played on the new employee.

The owner returned from lunch and was startled and visibly upset by the disorderly condition of the previously organized displays, asking the employee "What happened here?"

The employee responded "A customer came in asking for snake feathers and I pretty much tore up the drugstore looking for them."

The owner replied "There's no such thing as snake feathers. Anyone else coming in here and asking for anything stupid like that, just run them off, they're only jacking you around! We don't tolerate practical jokers here."

The following weekend, a gentleman entered the drugstore and asked for a package of mothballs. The employee replied "Just hit the road mister, a moth doesn't have balls any more than a snake has feathers!"







`

[Roy]

MY DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW......



Over the last 40 years, my mother-in-law and I have had a love/hate relationship.

Today, I went to the airport to pick her up for her annual visit.

She recently turned eighty-four and is starting to show signs of dementia, and has become extremely forgetful.

So, when I spotted her in the crowd I yelled out, "Thanks for coming to visit, and have a nice flight home."







`

[Roy]

`



















`

[Roy]

COULDN'T WALK . . .



Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"









`

[Roy]

Little Jonny in trouble again . . .


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your

hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

 
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. \

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom
the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she
was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

. . . .. . . . The nun had to leave the room.








`

[Roy]

`










`

[Roy]

THINGS THEY SAY DURING CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTMAS DINNER...



Things you can only get away with saying at Christmas.........



"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist".

"Smother the butter all over the breasts".

"If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!".

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?".

"Do you prefer breast or leg?".

"Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go".

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?".

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once".

"Anyone want stuffing?".

"You still have a little bit on your chin".

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up!".

"I'm so full - I've been gobbling nuts all morning".












`

[Roy]

`













`

[Roy]

GPS  EXCUSE . . .






Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case..

But it's worth a try.










`

[Roy]

TROJAN'S . . .



A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied,

"The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."








`

[Roy]

I NEED A BARBIE . . .



A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...."








`

[Roy]

PARAPROSDOKIANS, (Winston Churchill loved them), are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.




1.Where there's a will, I want to be in it.





2.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.





3.Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.





4.If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.





5.We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.





6.War does not determine who is right - only who is left...





7.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.





8.They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.





9.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.





10.Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.





11.I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.





12.In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'





13.I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.





14.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.





15.Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.





16.A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.





17.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.





18.Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.





19.There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.





20.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.





21.You're never too old to learn something stupid.





22.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.





23.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.





24.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.








25.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standingin a garage makes you a car.










`

[Roy]

Washington States new Mary Jane Law  . . .



Since Washington state has passed their new pot laws what will the militant Muslims do when they catch a woman in adultery ? Throw rocks or reefers, because it says they are supposed to stone her !

[Roy]

OLE AND SVEN . . .


'Ole & Sven' were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.


Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.







Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed.

"Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No" "Vell, DON'T,'cause I'm in Iowa."








`

[Roy]

NOISE IN JET ENGEINE . . .



Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."







`

[Roy]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS ?



A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."


The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be cursed”, then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"


The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."







`

[Roy]

BLONDE MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY . . .




Artery -- Study of paintings

Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria

Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarean section -- District in Rome

Cat scan -- Searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- Sheep dog

Coma -- A punctuation mark

Congenital -- Friendly

D&C -- Where Washington is

Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events

Dilate -- To live long

Enema -- Not a friend

Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small lie

G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game

Hangnail -- Coathook

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- Got hurt at work

Medical staff -- Doctor's cane

Morbid -- Higher offer

Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate

Node -- Was aware of

Outpatient -- Person who had fainted

Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- Letter carrier

Protein -- Favoring young people

Rectum -- It almost killed him

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- Amorous

Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- Hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- Study of knighthood

Tablet -- Small table

Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport

Tibia -- Country in North Africa

Tumor -- An extra pair

Urine -- Opposite of you're out

Varicose -- Located nearby

Vein -- Conceited








`

[Roy]

GIRLFRIENDS FIRST FOOTBALL GAME. . .


Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's bench. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter.

Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"







`

[Roy]

`

















`

[Roy]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10.  Cut the little E.D. pill in half to prevent a potential Heart blow out.

11.  Don't eat anything before taking the E.D. pill or the results will be rather limp.

12.  Stay with Levitra or Viagra.  Cialis will make you half way horny for a week.

13. Don't even think about trying it twice. . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ...






`

[Roy]

I want to buy that . . .



A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"








`

[Roy]

Paradoxical Proverbs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
but...
Out of sight, out of mind.



Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
but...
Don't cross the bridge until you come to it.


Don't judge a book by its cover.
but...
Clothes make the man.


You're never too old to learn.
but...
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.


A word to the wise is sufficient.
but...
Talk is cheap.


Look before you leap.
but...
He who hesitates is lost.


It's better to be safe than sorry.
but...
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
but...
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.


The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
but...
Silence is golden.


Birds of a feather flock together.
but...
Opposites attract.


The pen is mightier than the sword.
but...
Actions speak louder than words.

[Roy]

INDIAN MATING CALL . . .


Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until
he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If
they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting
for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied
a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!









`

[Roy]

KEEPING WRISTS STRAIGHT . . .



Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."










`

[Jess from VA]

Matt Steele Outdoors (3) Shooting Grip Essentials	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

~ Thoughtful Husband ~    .  .  .   Canadian joke




Did you hear about the thoughtful husband who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wife before leaving and said,
"Margaret,  put on your coat and hat."

She replied,  "Jack, that's so nice. Are you taking me to the pub with you?"

He replied, "No, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out."








`

[Roy]

`



A blondes letter to Algebra

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your X. They're not coming back!!!








`

[Roy]

`


A friend needs help!!!


I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help.
His wife told him to go out & get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.
Can any of you help him?








`

[Roy]

Farmer's Divorce



A farmer walked into a lawyers office. The lawyer asked "may I help you?"
 Farmer- Yes I want to get one of those divorces!
Lawyer- Do you have any grounds?
 Farmer-Yes I got about 200 acres.
 Lawyer- No you dont understand do you have a case?
 Farmer- No I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere!
 Lawyer-No I mean do you have a grudge?
 Farmer-Yep I got a grudge.Thats where I park my John Deere.
 Lawyer-No sir I mean do you have a suit?
 Farmer-I got a suit.But I only wear it to church on Sundays.

 Exasperated Lawyer-Well does your wife beat you up or anything?
 Farmer-No sir we bothget up about 4:30 am.

 Finally the lawyer says,Okay,let me put it this way.
 Why do you want a divorce?
 Well I can never seem to have a meaningful conversation
with her.....







`

[Roy]

LAY DOWN YOUR SHOVELS . . .



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.......Folks, we're screwed!

[Roy]

BOB WALKS INTO A SPORTS BAR . . .



Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.









`

[Jess Tolbirt]

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
... Holy Cow (YEP)! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
I don't know what the heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

[Roy]

Peppermint. . .  oh oh...