H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

How to drive a teenager nutzz . . .



Give them a book........ they'll go crazy trying to figure out how to charge the batteries.






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[Roy]

A Dog walks into a Bar . . .



A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "hey give me a beer". The bartender takes out a gun and shoots the dog right in the foot and says "get outta here, we don't serve your kind in here", so the dog limps out wimpering.

A couple of days later the dog comes back in wearing a cowboy hat, gun belt, boots and spurs and walks up to the bar. A different bartender looks at him and says "what do you want"? The dog replies....."I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[bigguy]

[Roy]

No!  A metal plate in your head doesn't count as a Helmut..


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[Roy]

I R S  never goes on vacation . . .



A man on vacation was strolling along outside his hotel in Acapulco, enjoying the sunny Mexican weather. Suddenly, he was attracted by the screams of a woman kneeling in front of a child.

 The man knew enough Spanish to determine that the child had swallowed a coin. Seizing the child by the heels, the man held him up, gave him a few shakes, and an American quarter dropped to the sidewalk.

 "Oh, thank you sir!" cried the woman. "You seemed to know just how to get it out of him. Are you a doctor?"

 "No, ma'am," replied the man. "I'm with the United States Internal Revenue Service."








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[Roy]

Handy Wrench . . .




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[Roy]

How many wheels does a Motorcycle have?






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[Roy]

An Arizonan and a Californian . .



ARIZONA LEGAL DEPARTMENT:

 A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai Mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

 "No, no...Remember this is a Red State , it's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonian.

 Later that night the Californian goes to Kingman to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Californian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

 As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona !" protests the Californian.

 "Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."









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[Roy]

Chuck swims to the shores of North Korea . . .





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[Roy]

North Korean Chair Force in action . . .















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[Roy]

Pet Fish . . .



A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
 "Pet fish!?!?"
 "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
 "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
 The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
 We do this all the time!!"
 "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
 The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
 "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
 The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
 "Call who back?"
 "The FISH," replied the warden!
 "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

 MORAL OF THE STORY:
 We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government agents.






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[Dagwood]

[Roy]

              

[Roy]

MY NEW BULL . . .



I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with
 the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
 I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was
 worth.

 Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was
 very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills
 to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two
 days...all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my
 neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

 I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they kind of
 taste like peppermint.





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[grandpaweaver]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied:
I am on the commode. Please advise.

[Roy]

Good one !

[Roy]

Hunting Dog for sale . . .



A man responds to an ad in the local paper regarding a hunting dog for sale. After looking the dog over for a moment he asks the owner if it is possible to see the dog work. Owner replies, “Sure we can take him out back and see if he can find you some birds”.

 So while they walked along a hedge row the dog immediately stops, goes around in circles, paws the ground three times, and points. The prospective buyer asks the owner what he is doing. “Well”, says the owner, “The dog says there are three birds in there”. The buyer quite skeptical approaches the bushes and swoosh, three birds fly out. “Man that's something....I'd like to see him work some more”. So as they proceed a bit farther the dog immediately stops, goes around in circles, paws the ground five times, and points to which the buyer asks, “Is he saying there’s five birds in there”?? He once again approaches the bushes and swoosh five birds fly out!! “That's truly amazing...I've gotta have this dog.

Let's go back to your house and complete the transaction”. However, on the way back the dog suddenly stops, goes around in circles, picks up a stick, shakes it violently, and points. The confused buyer asks...”What is he doing now”? Owner replies..............”He's telling you there are more birds in there than you can shake a stick at”!






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[Roy]

Well of course . . .



During sky-diving class, the Jumpmaster would always take the time to answer any stupid first-timer questions.

 One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

 The Jumpmaster looked at him and answered, "The rest of your life."









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[Big Ed]

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[RDAbull]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

The Hungry Monkey . . .


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"


"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"








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[Roy]

His First Flight . . .


Mr. Goldberg was on a plane for the first time, so his wife drove him to the airport, the flight attendant told him wear to sit, he's a little nervous, and a big Texan in a white suit sits down next to him, they exchange pleasantries.

They serve the meal and he starts feeling sick, and he wonders if he should go to the bathroom, but he sees that the Texan is asleep and he can't get to the bathroom.

He's really not feeling good, and he goes to wake up the Texan and he loses his lunch all over the Texan's white suit. The Texan keeps sleeping and Mr. Goldberg wonders what he's going to do.

When the Texan wakes up and he has Mr. Goldberg's lunch all over him and Mr. Goldberg says, "So, you're feeling better now?"







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[Roy]

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her...
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.


Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'








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[Roy]

The Britt's and the French . . .



An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before.

 He admitted he had indeed been previously.

 The lady sarcastically said, then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir.

 The gentleman said, I didn't have to show it last time.

 Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passports to get through here.

 The man responded by whispering...

 "Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944 I couldn't find any f***ing Frenchman to show it to!"







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[Roy]

Ouchchchch . . .


A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

 Man: "What was that for?"
 Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"

 Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife was satisfied, and apologized for whacking him. Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.
 
 Man: "What is it this time?"
 Wife: "Your horse just phoned!!"

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Dog sized MC Helmut . . .













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[Roy]

Lion Tamer . . .



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."






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[Roy]

If Motorcycles were like computers . . .



1. For no reason whatsoever your bike would crash twice a day. 

2. Every time they put new trail markings up, you would have to buy a new bike. 

3. Occasionally your bike would die on an uphill for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and ride on. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your bike to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Macintosh would make a bike that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to ride, but it would only run on five percent of the trails/roads. 

6. On street bikes, only one person at a time could use the bike, unless you bought "Bike95" or "BikeNT". But then you would have to buy more seats. 

7. The bike would say "Are you sure?" before applying the brakes. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your bike would refuse to run until you simultaneously grabbed the plug wire, held the rear valve stem, and used the kickstarter. 

9. Yamaha would require all buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Topographical maps (now a Yamaha subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the bike's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Yamaha would become the target of investigation by the Justice Dept. 

10. Every time Yamaha would introduce a new model, buyers would have to learn to ride all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old bike. 

11. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Can't take it with you . .



There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

 An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

 The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

 Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
 St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

 The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

 Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

 St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"






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[Roy]

What did the Category 5  Hurricane say to the Coconut Palm Tree?


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Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job.






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[Roy]

The tree bears . . .


The 3 bears were sitting around the kitchen table eating there porage, when all of a sudden the door swings open and another bear walks in, sits down, eats a bowl of porage then pulls out a pistol shoots three holes in the ceiling and runs out the door!

The little bear, very nervously ask Papa bear " what kind of a bear was that"? Papa bear says, "I don't Know" Mama bear says, "look it up in the encyclopedia."

 Papa bear thumbs thru a few pages; "ah ha! It's a Koala Bear!, It says he Eats shoots and leaves!








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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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