H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Bicycle...


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said:

"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $380,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it"
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him:

 "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

I'll be cursed if I'm staying here by myself with a $380,000 mortgage & no bike!"






`

[Roy]

Emotional Extremes...


The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

 "Sadness," said the student.

 And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

 "Elation," said she.

 "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

 The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."





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[Roy]

All I said is that she had beautiful children, and she flew into a tizzy!














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[Roy]

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Vegtable Art . . .













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[Roy]

BEETLE BARBY . . .











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[Jess from VA]

Where's the inspection sticker? 

[Roy]

Must be from my state where they don't require auto's, trucks, or mc's to have inspection stickers?

[Roy]

Squirrel getting what he deserves...




Squirrels like to eat nuts, but don't like to hang by them.

[bigguy]

Squirrel getting what he deserves...




Squirrels like to eat nuts, but don't like to hang by them.

I killed a squirrel once and the only pellet I could find was in his nuts. (lead 6 shot) I even skinned his head out looking for another pellet. I suppose it's possible I just missed the other, fatal, hit. But I don't really think so. I looked hard. He went down quick. Just Boom and he fell out of the tree. That was almost 40 years ago and I've never forgotten it.

[Dagwood]

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street- a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing me with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel and losing . . .

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities.

He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a motorcycle can only have one result. Torque. This is what the bike is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in. . well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle . . . my brain was just simply overloaded.

I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on the bike maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked . . . sort-of Spectacularly sort-of. . . so to speak. Picture a new scene.

You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine.

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger. . . That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car. . .. but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

[Gryphon]

OOOH! Foul!  Flag on the play.  If you are going to repost a member's work, you should at least credit the author.   A classic story from the VRCC's own Daniel Meyer:  

http://stormriderpress.com/life-is-a-road/

Edit:  Most specifically - Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street) 

[Dagwood]

No foul, I knew it was Daniels, just a repost, did not catch all the words  I aint that bright to write this kind of stuff. 

[Roy]

Drunk or Stoned. . .?


The difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver.........
 A drunk driver will run a stop sign.......
 A stoned driver will stop.... and wait for the sign to turn green..





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[Roy]

Male sensitivity training . . .


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

 "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

 After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 "Yes?" said the Instructor.

 "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.






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[Jess from VA]

This squirrel is dead.

No he's not, he's just sleeping................ (Monty Python - parrot)

 

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Doc in Minnesota . . .


A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get
 Off work and go hunting, so he approached
 his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
 and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to
 take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

 The doctor goes hunting and returns
 The following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
 How was your day?'

 Ole told him that he took care of
 Three patients. 'The first one had a
 Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?'
 Asks the doctor.
 'The second one had stomach burning
 and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what
 about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door
 opens and a woman enters. Like a flame,
 she undresses herself, taking off everything
 including her panties and lies
 Down on the table and shouts:
 HELP ME - I haven't see a
 man in over two years!!'

 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
 What did you do?' asks the doctor.

 'I put drops in her eyes!!






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

The Virgin...



There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

 Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

 She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

 Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
 With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

 The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

 She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."








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[Roy]

Prom Date . . .















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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Stimulus Money . . .



Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at WalMart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras, Guatemala and . . .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yardsale and drink beer all day . . .





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[Jess from VA]

 

It's hard to beat good sound logic.  

[Roy]

It doesn't get any more sound than that kind of down to earth logic.   

[Roy]

Motorcycle fit for an African Safari . . .









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[Roy]

What religion is your woman's bra?



A man walked into the ladies department
 and shyly walked up to
 the woman behind the counter and said,
 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
 ' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed
 a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and
 material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this
 variety, there are really only four types of bras to
 choose from .' Relieved, the man asked about the types.
 The saleslady replied:
 'There are the Catholic,
 Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
 and the Baptist types.
 Which one would you prefer?'

 Now totally befuddled,
 the man asked about
 the differences between them.
 The Saleslady responded,
 'It is all really quite simple.'

 The Catholic type supports the masses;
 The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
 The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
 The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
 Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H
 are the letters used to define bra sizes?

 If you have wondered why,
 but couldn't figure out
 what the letters stood for,
 it is about time you became informed!

 {A} Almost Boobs.
 {B} Barely there.
 {C} Can't Complain.
 {D} Dang!
 {DD} Double dang!
 {E} Enormous!
 {F} Fake.
 {G} Get a Reduction.
 {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

 They forgot the German bra.

 Holtzemfromfloppen









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[Roy]

Ole was born a Lutheran...



Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the

shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's

neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from

eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville

all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic

faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After

several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest

sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and

raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful

aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into

Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and

watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully

sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz

raised a deer, but now you is a walleye."






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[Roy]

`
Russian Harley  . . .












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[Roy]

P o s t m a n !



One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'  the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies:

 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says:


 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.''

Probably a good thing you did,'  David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'








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[Jess from VA]

 

[Roy]

Updated version of MC's turned into Snowcycles.






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[Roy]

LEGAL  AND  LOGICAL..


A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?

Professor: "Actually, I probably do.

Student: "OK. I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer,
I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: Okay. What's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his brain, but just can't crack the answer.

Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor wracks his brain all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a tough question to answer:

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
To the professor's surprise, all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

And now you know the rest of the story.







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[Roy]

Most mens favorite subject...


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.


15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.


16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.


17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!DY ROONEY on Sex . . .









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[Roy]

Art Gallery . . .



A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached! the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied.
“In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They’re just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[Roy]

The Light...



In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

 To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

 "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

 Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

 "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

 Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"




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[Roy]

Disturbing news. .



THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
 PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME
 IN RECENT YEARS!!!

 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


 (That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!)


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[Roy]

New Dentures. . .


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
 The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

 The second
 Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

 The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

 The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
 asked him what happened.

 The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
 talk for more than 8 minutes.

 The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
 to talk for more than 10 minutes.

 But, the third Sunday, he put his
 wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...






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[Roy]

Drug names, New and improved. . .


All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

 The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
 Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
 It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.





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[Roy]

Profileing..


One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house let's me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put her car into gear and sped off..






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[Jess from VA]

Hey mom and dad, I cannot believe I got the shittiest job in the entire Corps.