H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

The Cowboy . . .


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

 He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

 No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

 Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

 The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

 The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Rational for High Capacity Mags . . .


A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled

 "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

 A voice from the back of the bar yelled back

 "You're gonna need more ammo !

[Roy]

Beginner Musician. . .



Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

 The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

 The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
 



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[Roy]

The Yellow Light...


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car.''





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[RudyF6]

Good Neighbors.............

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

Husband looking for a sexy bra for his wife...


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. . . .






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[Roy]

How do you catch a Bra ?




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Q: How do you catch a bra?A: Set up a boobie trap.








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[Roy]

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[Roy]

One poor attorney...


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been
granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,


'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Friend or Foe


The military leader believed an impending air strike was coming from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

“There's a large group of planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.

“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.

 The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.





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[Roy]

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

 

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.  The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

 

Then, sliding a six-shot pistol across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: one illegal alien, one lawyer, one meth dealer, one Muslim extremist, one Democrat, and one rabbit."

 

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

 

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"




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[Roy]

I got a Timex...



My neighbors Chris & Betsy, the two cute, young,
 lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.
 I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
 It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they
 misunderstood me, when I said:
 "I wanna watch"
 
 


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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Magic




Thibodeaux and Boudreaux entered a chocolate store. As they were looking at the candy,
 Thibodeaux stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store Thibodeaux said to Boudreaux,
 "I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my pocket. You can’t beat that.





Boudreaux replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back


to the shop and I'll show you real stealing." I'll steal while the


shopkeeper is watching me and he won't even know.





So they went to the counter and Boudreaux said to the shopkeeper:
 "Do you want to see a great magic trick?"

 The shopkeeper replied: "Yes"






Boudreaux said: "Give me three chocolate bars. "

 The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Boudreaux ate all three.

 The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"






Boudreaux replied: "Look in Thibodeaux's pocket."







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[Roy]

Another blonde...


Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

 The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length. . .!"






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[Roy]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner. . 

His wife screams at him: "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's considering getting married..."




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[Roy]

In a hurry at the bar...


A guy walks into a bar and asks the barman to place ten glasses on the bar and fill them with beer.
 The bartender goes ahead and starts doing as he was asked.
 The guy then follows him along the bar drinking the beers as soon as they are poured.
 The bartender asks "Why are you in so much of a hurry?"
 "If you had what I have, you would be also in a hurry" the guy replied.
 The bartender steps back a little and asks "And what do you have?"
 The guy replied "About a buck, fifty."
 





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[Roy]

Waiting Room Blues...


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

 The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

 "There's something wrong with my willy", he replied.

 The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
 crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

 The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
 strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

 "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

 The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

 "I can't pee out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in
 laughter.






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[Roy]

Have to post this again, I get a belly busting laugh out of it even though it's been around awhile...


Hillbilly Restaurant__


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I aint never seed nobody do it!"






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[Roy]

Wife's present...


For her birthday my wife asked for something that would go from 0 to 140 in 10 seconds.

 I bought her a bathroom scale.





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[Roy]

Unusual Laws..


The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.


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Illinois:
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

A state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples.

In Zion, It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.



California:
In Los Angeles, It is not legal to bathe two babies at the same time in the same tub.

In Riverside, Kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. Only in CA would this be possible..






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[Roy]

Retirement across the nation...


You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far away someplace is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.





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[Roy]

Tom's Scrotum...


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible wreck on his Harley, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.



The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."





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[Roy]

Just how smart are crows?



There is a new very important government study
on just how intelligent crows are.



The state of California found about 200 dead

crows on its highways, and there was concern

that they may have died from Avian Flu. They

had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of

all the crows, and he confirmed the problem

was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.



However, he determined that 98% of the crows

had been killed by impact with trucks, and only

2% were killed by car impact.



The State of California then hired an Ornithological

Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate

percentages for truck versus car kill. The

Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause

in short order.



When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a

look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of

impending danger. His conclusion was that the

lookout crow could say "Cah," but he could not

say "Truck."

[Roy]

Reward!


My two grandsons, five and nine years old, are staying with me this summer while they are out of school.

As a reward for being really good kids I took them to Bass pro today for an outing. Each one got to pick out something they wanted, within reason, as a reward.

And as a reward to their parents for making all this bonding possible, I bought them both a duck call to take home!






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[Roy]

Good Advice...


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
 While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
 suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
 For $100, the cabby agrees.
 
 Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The
 husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife
 in bed with another man!
 
 The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't
 do it!

 I've been lying when I told you I inherited money. "HE paid for the
 Corvette I  gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Brown's season  tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
 membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

 
 Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over
 at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches
cold."
 




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[Roy]

Senior Citizen home...


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,"What?" and he replies "SEX!!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well,I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Howard smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's!"






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[Roy]

Helping the Bear Cubs out...

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[Roy]

Most Wanted...


A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

 "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

 The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

 "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

 "Rustling."






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[Roy]

How to get to heaven?


"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Beer . . .


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."







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[Roy]

Toothbrush...


I heard the other day the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.
If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.





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[Roy]

Female Logic...


A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.

 'This is the scene', said the teacher.

 'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

 His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'

 A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'






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[Roy]

Microsoft  VS  General Motors...




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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times! as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.






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