H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

A Damn Fine Explanation

-

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.



And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare... you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'


And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'



And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.



I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'



The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




~






'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?











~~~

[Roy]

Three Dogs in the Vet's Office...



Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
 
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
 


" So why are you here ? "
 


The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.



But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
 


The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
 


"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
 


The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "
 


The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
 


"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
 


"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
 


The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
 


"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
 


The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


 


The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"












~~~

[Roy]

The Schnauzer

-
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
 
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
 
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
 
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The Pharmasist said, "Well stay off your motorbike for about a week."









~~~

 

[Roy]

Best Pickup line...


An man walks into a pub and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman.   
He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this
state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it..'

 
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves
to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any
panties.' The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'


The man smiles, taps his watch and
says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'












~
 

[Roy]

Confession...


Bless me father for I have sinned

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several timesa week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in greatdanger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.




~





~


 

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Roy]

Free passage across the Atlantic...



A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
 
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bo! ttle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
 
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.
 
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."


 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."












~

[Roy]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 161 years ago?


1. California became a state.


2. The state had no electricity.


3. The state had no money.


4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.


5. There were gunfights in the streets.
*

*



So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.











~

[tank_post142]

Six Truths in Life

1 . You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons in your neck .
2 . All idiots, after reading #1, will try it .
3 . And discover #1 is a lie .
4 . You are smiling now because you are an idiot .
5 . You soon will Share this with another idiot .
6 . There is still a stupid smile on your face . I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. :-)

[Roy]

The Sensitive husband

----

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."


The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."











~

[Roy]

Talking to The Caretaker...


At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Si, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"



"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."



"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"



"Yes, Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Skeet Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE...............



"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep $#*T."












~

[Roy]

Nursing Home Hot Romance...



Harold is  95 and lives in a Senior  Citizen Home..


Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a  secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and  long life.


One evening, Mildred,  age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to  chat and before they know it, several hours have  passed.


After a short lull in  their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and  asks,
'Do you know what I miss most of  all?'


She asks,  'What?'


'Sex!!' he  replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you  old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a  gun to your head!'



'I  know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a  woman could just hold it for a  while.'


Well, I can oblige,' says  Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes  his manhood and proceeds to hold it.  Afterward, they agree to meet Secretly each night in the garden where they  would sit and talk and Mildred would hold  Harold's manhood.


Then one night Harold  didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find Harold and  make sure he was O.K.


She walked around  the Senior Citizen Home where she found him  sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female  resident, who was holding Harold's  manhood!


Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You  two-timing son of a bitch! What does  Ethel
have that I don't have?'

~


~



Old  Harold smiled happily and replied,  'Parkinson's.'

[Roy]

At the Bar a Good Lookin Woman...



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:
 
"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, on a boat,  on tea leaves, on a motorcycle, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, in the Ocean, drinking tea, it doesn't matter to me.
I just love it." !
 
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,


 
"No kidding. I'm in Congress too.
 
What party are you with ?"






---






------

[Roy]

Wife ain't behavin...




"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney.

 "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right.  She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say."


"Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said.  "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."



"Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."









~

[Roy]

Fiddler at the dance...



This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance.


He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel.


 An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place.


She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel"?  .  .  .  .  .



*



*


The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it I'll play it".











~~~~

[Roy]

Milkman and the Blonde...



A blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door  to clarify the  point.   

                                                                                 
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk                   
and take a milk bath."

                                                                 
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


The blonde said,  "No, just up to my  boobs.  I can splash it in my eyes."                                                       








~~~

[Roy]

A young Chinese couple get married.



She's a virgin and they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
 
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
 
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
 
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
 
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
 
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...




~




 
"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[Roy]

Rythum...



I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
 
        Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday Morning."
 
        Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
        100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
 
        "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
        our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was
        when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
        right rhythm.  Nice and slow and even...
 
        Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
 
        She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
        alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.












~

[Roy]

Could this be a creepy new trend in Bowling Balls ?

.





















~

[Roy]

AMERICAN BEER...



This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.


"Doc, I think my tool is just too damn small," he says.


The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
 

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused
.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."


Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.


He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.


"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.





~



"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"









~

[Roy]

I would like to share an experience with you. It has to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in the past.

Well, I for one have done something about it.
 
The other night I was out for a dinner,

and a few drinks - and having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,



~







~

 

since I have never driven a bus before.








---

[Don07tncav]

The International Council of Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

[Don07tncav]

Another Drunk Story!

A drunken Newfoundlander gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs
the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes the hell out of menuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Roy]

L O L  !     

[Don07tncav]

More fights starting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"


************************************************** ************************


What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

And Panic is when both are pregnant.

************************************************** ************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?


Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,

Dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

************************************************** ************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"


Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's
confidential."

************************************************** ***********************

Nominated as the best short joke this year..

My favorite!!!!!
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.
************************************************** ***********************

[Roy]

LOL

        

[Roy]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything

 

 

~

 

 

 

 - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, M&Ms, the lot.

[Don07tncav]

STEVEN WRIGHT SAYINGS
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
 
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
 
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
 
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
 
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
 
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
 
Clones are people two.
 
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
 
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
 
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
 
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
 
So what' the speed of dark?
 
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
 
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
 
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
 
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
 
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
 
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
 
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
 
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

[RainMaker]

More fights starting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"


************************************************** ************************


What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

And Panic is when both are pregnant.

************************************************** ************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?


Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,

Dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

************************************************** ************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"


Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that's
confidential."

************************************************** ***********************

Nominated as the best short joke this year..

My favorite!!!!!
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.
************************************************** ***********************

Did Arnold Schwarzenegger tell jokes 2 and 4?

[JP in SC]

Johnson Marine announces new motorcycle division!
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers". Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish".

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after".

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both." "Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell." Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

[Roy]

Weekly Offering



One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,the pastor of a small Florida Church found a pink envelope containing $1000.


It happened again the next week.  The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.


This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

 "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a  week in the collection plate," he said  "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send  you?"  The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."


The pastor was amazed and said, "Your son is very  successful; what does he do for a living?"  "He's a Veterinarian," she answered.


"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said.  "Where  does he practice?    The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.
*


*



*






 He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."









----

[Roy]

Hot ambidexterous Lady Golfer...


   
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.  One transferred to another city.  It wasn't the same without him.
       
A new woman joined their Club.  She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
       
The three guys looked at each other.  Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. One man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

       
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.  The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.  They rolled their eyes, but said okay.  She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

     
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.  She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.  Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.  She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
       
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.  Only this time, she played left-handed.
     
The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.  They were totally amazed.
     
They couldn't figure her out.  She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.  They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

       
The third week, the guys had their game faces on.  But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.  This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
       
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was  so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
       
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.  This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.  They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

     
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.  I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.  From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.  If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

       
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"



~




       
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."








---

[Roy]

Hillbilly licks woman's butt...

or Hillbilly licks woman, butt good.

or Hillbilly saves life by licking the problem good.



Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek.

The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food.


The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it", but I'd prefer to do it on the gentler sex!







---

[Don07tncav]

I was in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"

Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"

Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

...Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"

Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"

[Lyn-Del]

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

[Roy]

Roger, 85, years young married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old hottie...



Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'



 

The moral of the story:



 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[Roy]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...


 
Friendship among Women:
 
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.










---

[Roy]

Question: Is sex Work?



A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. So he asked his staff, “How much of sex is "work" and how much of it is "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

 

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

 

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.



Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."



The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why.





 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.








---

[Roy]

"Golf " balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said “its golf balls.”

 
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

 
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked -

~






~





 
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


---









`

[Roy]

The Ranchers Widow and he new strappin hired hand...



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'!
 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him
.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Un-button my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.








Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'





`

[Roy]

Beauty of Mathematics!

---------------

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

 

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111


 

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

 

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321


Mind Boggling..