H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Were in Big Trouble now...


Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We're in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"






`

[Roy]

Alabama Cocktails...  .   .   R rated.


It's a slow night...

 After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Missy, would y'all give me a piece of ahss?"

 "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

 "Yep," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ahss for mah drenk."





`

[blastedbugler]

Oldie visits the dentist as he has a bad toothache.
Dentist sits him in the chair & looks into his mouth.
He says you have a decayed tooth & it will have to be pulled out.
Oldie says OK if it has to be done.
Dentist says it will be painful so I will get my nurse to prepare an injection.
Oldies says NO, I am afraid of needles.
The Dentist thinks for awhile & says OK I will give you gas to combat the pain.
Oldie says NO, I cant have something strapped onto my face.
I feel I might suffocate.
To help out the nurse asks if he could take a pill.
Oldie says OK & the nurse gives him a pill.
Just as he is about to open his mouth for the extraction, he asks the nurse what the pill was.
The nurse says it was Viagra.
The oldie is taken aback & says to the nurse that he didn't think Viagra would relieve pain.
The nurse says it wont, but it will give you something to hold on to while we pull the tooth.
Don ( Aussie )

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Six naked ladies laying on the front lawn..



A man gets up and walks to the store,as he passes by the old folks home he sees 6 naked ladies laying on towels along his way.

As he passes back by on his way home he can't stand it anymore and goes to the front desk of the retirement home and tells the clerk at the desk did you know there's 6 old ladies laying naked outside on the lawn.

The clerk said why yes,there retired Hookers and there having a yard sale today!
 




`

[Grumpy]

  The Woman Marine Pilot

  The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
  stories.
  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
  saved.
  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed
  Janie.

  Janie, do you have a story to share?'

  ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
  she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
  break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
  troops.
  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
  killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
  and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
r
  ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
  'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

  "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Roy]

The New Killer Smooth Bore Rile . . .


I understand this Rifle is available on  Amazon. . . $34.95!

Bugasalt.com - IndieGoGo.com Video	powered by Aeva

`

[Roy]

Why salt?  Wouldn't sand be harder and more penetrable?

[bigguy]

OMG!! Holds 50 rounds, pistol grips, military styling? That's got to be banned! 

[Roy]

Can get a broader shot by putting clean sand in a BB gun..

[Roy]

`

[grandpaweaver]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real weirdo, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.  The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

As the officer finished writing the ticket he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then handed it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says; "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court.  The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer then asks; "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

The Officer responds; "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

The Lawyer then asks "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

The Officer then responds; "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

The Lawyer then asks; "Aggressive and hostile?"

The Officer responds; "Yes, Sir."

The Lawyer finally asks; "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

The Officer responds; "Well sir, you do know your client better than I do!"

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Mis - Conception . . .


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my word!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted



.

[Roy]

How to get that Rock Hard Ab Look Instantly...




*







*













`

[Roy]

Inner Peace...


If you can start the day without caffeine,
 
 If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
 
 If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
 
 If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
 
 ... If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
 
 If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
 
 If you can conquer tension without medical help,

 If you can relax without alcohol,
 
 If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
 
 . . . .then you are probably the family dog!


 

[Quiet Thunder]

Sturgis, South Dakota back in the day.   Smells better now.
NOT BY MUCH!

[Roy]

Can imagine there are several 'Animals' in Sturgis, SD still!

[Roy]

Doctor's  VS  Guns...




Doctors:

 The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

 Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

 Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

 Guns:

 The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000

 The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

 The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

 Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.

 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

 FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

 Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.







`

[Jess from VA]

OK, I'll try another.  (Shortened version.)

Man and wife at art gallery looking a painting of three black guys sitting naked on a park bench looking tired... but one has a white penis. They ask a curator what it means and he gives them some vague reference to the downtrodden and hard life (which makes no sense to the couple).  As he leaves an Irishman comes up and says... don't listen to that guy..... those are three Irish miners, covered head to toe in soot and coal dust.  One of them went home for lunch.

[Roy]

           ???                         

[Roy]

Butt dust . . .



A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

 "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

 He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice:

 "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

 Church was pretty much over at that point.






`

[Roy]

Neighbor . . .


A guy was mowing his lawn when he saw his neighbour who had just moved in across the road run out of her house, opened her mailbox, slams it and runs back into her house. A short time later, she comes out, opened her mailbox and slams it shut and go back into the house. When he saw her coming out and checking her mailbox the third time, and this time, angrily slamming it shut, he decided to walk over and see if there is anything he can help.

 Guy : Hi, neighbour, I see you running out and looking into your mailbox. Are you expecting an urgent mail delivery.

 Neighbour : I don't know if it is urgent, but the computer keeps telling me that I've got mail, but when I look in the mailbox there is nothing in there.






`

[bigguy]

You forgot to mention she was blond.

[bigguy]

[Quiet Thunder]

....and takes his pet monkey with him. The man tells the bar tender "he'll be fine". No sooner did he get that out if his mouth, the monkey go nuts. It jumps up on the bar, grabbed a hand full of peanuts and shoved them down his throat. Next he jumps behind the bar, garbing a hand full of pretzels. From behind the bar off to the pool table, grabbing the cue ball, and into the mouth it goes. The bartender tell the guy to get his monkey and get out. The man complied and out the door.
A few weeks later, the man returns, telling the bartender he was sorry for what had happened, and it wouldn't happen again. 'Ok' said the bartender and set the man up a beer. The man asked for a bag of potato chips, opened the bag and offered the monkey some. The monkey took a hand full, and shoved them up it's a$$. The bartender looks at the man and said "that's disgusting! What he doing??' The man said "after last time, he's checking for size".

[Roy]

`Trooper and the Juggler. . .




A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline.

 When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

 The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

 The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

 While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy Traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there
 ain't no way I can pass that test.









`

[Jess from VA]

Stopped for speed, after clearly passing all field sobriety tests given, the officer still wanted me to blow in the tube, but it was back at the station, and he wanted to drive me over with no arrest for a breath test (if I passed he'd bring me back to my car).  I had 2-3 beers in me and didn't want to risk a .10, so I pushed up onto a handstand, then walked the length of the cruiser turned and walked back on my hands.  On the side of I-75.  Early 70's not long after HS gymnastics.  And he let me go.  True.

I often thought many driving by (Detroit) thought the sobriety tests were getting pretty ridiculous.

[Roy]

Honour . . . . . . (British for Honor)?


She offered her honour,

 He honoured her offer,

 All night long..

 ..it was honour and offer.





`

[bigguy]

Hey, this would have made a good Viagra commercial. Donk, donk-a donk.

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Did you...


Did you sleep with many other men?

 No darling, I slept only with you. With all the other men I was quite awake.







`

[Roy]

The Engineering student and his bicycle...


Two engineering students are relaxing on the quad on campus, when they spot one of their friends riding up on a beautiful new bike.

 One says, "Wow!! That's an awesome bike, but you're a starving student, where did you get it?"

 Very proudly, the new bike owner says, " It was the funniest thing. This beautiful girl from my Chem lab rode up to me yesterday on this bike, got off, took off all her clothes, and told me to take whatever I wanted".

 "Good choice!", replied the other student, "The clothes probably wouldnt have fit."





`


`




`

[Roy]

Parrott . . .


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
 "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

 The owner looked at her and said, Look, I should tell you up front that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

 "New house, new madam."

 The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

 When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

 The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

 Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

 The bird looked at him and said,

 "Hi Keith."







`

[Roy]

Taco Bell could be bad for you...



*






*







*










`

[Roy]

Sum Ting Wong  and  We tu lo.

Whatever they said they should do some jail time for the avoidable accident.






`

[Roy]

Apparently a quart low,  or a half a quart off plumb?






*








*










`

[cookiedough]

Apparently a quart low,  or a half a quart off plumb?






*








*










`

Definitely a blonde moment for sure.  Or, she is 1/2 qt. low.  Suppose to add oil INTO the engine, not ONTO.

[Roy]

Her hubby asked her to put some oil in the engine.. 

Looks like Mobile One.

[Roy]

Job Service...


When I started back to college I got a part time job working 4 hrs a day at the Dept of Employment.

I was matching job orders with the data file of applicants.

One day this 70 year old farmer came in looking for a farm hand. He tells me "I need an experienced all around farm hand from age 50 up.

I tell the guy that I got a half-dozen well qualified younger guys, 35-40 who would get a lot more work done than an older guy.

He insists, "I want a good hand over 50!"

I ask him why, he tells me: 

"I have a 22 year old Ford tractor, and a daughter the same age; and the last thing I want is a rod throwed in either one."





`