H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Cheapest kind of fresh quality meat?





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[Roy]

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[Roy]

The Horth Whiptherer.  . . . . (Aussie joke)



A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him

the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her *tw@t

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'





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[Roy]

Computer Screensaver...




http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf




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[Roy]

Age is wisdom...



A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"








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[Super Santa]

An Ocean of Wheat

A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spotted a blonde rowing a boat in a in a wheat field. She pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.

She yells at the blonde in the field. “It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, “If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt.”

[Roy]

A story as told by Abe Lincoln...


I'm reading a book about Lincoln and as he was famous for his down home stories I thought I'd share one here.

Ethan Allen had occasion to visit England on Govt business after the Revolutionary War. His English hosts teased him without mercy regarding "General" Washington whom they still considered nothing more than a farmer.

Thinking they were going to get under Ethan's skin, they hung a picture of George Washington on the inside of the outhouse door so he couldn't miss it.

When he came back into the house they waited for him to say something but he acted as if he'd seen nothing! The English couldnt stand it and asked him if he had seen the picture and what he thought?

Ethan replied, "Of course I saw General Washington's picture and I cant think of a better place for it! After all, nothing makes an Englishman empty his bowels quicker than the sight of General Washington." 




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[Roy]

A few little known facts, some humorous...



1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
 have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 (Hardly seems worth it.)

 2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
 gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
 (Now that's more like it!)

 3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
 out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
 (O.M.G.!)

 4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
 (O.M.G.!!!)

 5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
 starves to death.(Creepy)
 (I'm still not over the pig.)

 6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
 (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

 7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
 attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
 male's head off.
 (Honey, I'm home......What the...?)

 8. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
 human jumping the length of a football field.
 (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 9. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
 (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
 (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

 11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
 (Something I always wanted to do.)

 12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
 (Hmmmmmm.......)

 13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
 than left-handed people.
 (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 14. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
 (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 15. A cat's urine glows under a black light.
 (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 (I know some people like that.)

 17. Starfish have no brains.
 (I know some people like that, too.)

 18. Polar Bears are left-handed.
 (If they switch, they'd live a lot longer.)

 19. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
 for pleasure.
 (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)





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[Roy]

Taxi Driver..



A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder
to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk and stopped inches
from a building.

Then the driver said DON'T ever do that again! You scared
the crap out of me!
The passenger apologized and said, I didn't realize that a little
tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, Sorry It's not your fault. Today is my first day
driving a cab. I drove a hearse at the funeral home for 25 years.






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Oblivious to Satan's presence...



A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

 Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
 Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

 So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
 The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

 Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

 Yep,' was the calm reply.

 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

 'Nope,' said the old man.

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.






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[Roy]

Wifey. . .


A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.

So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.


The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".






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[Roy]

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God is watching...




There was a flea market, a trash and treasures sale, at the Catholic church. At the front table, a nun had a bushel of apples with a sign that read, "Please help yourself to a lovely delicious apple, but only take one as there are only so many to go around. And remember, "GOD is watching!"

 Other foodstuffs were offered along the table and at the end, a little girl was sitting in front of a peck of wonderfully tasty chocolate chip cookies and her sign read, "Please help yourself to a delicious chocolate chip cookie. And if you take more than one, it's ok; GOD's watching the apples."





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[Roy]

Thanksgiving joke...



It was Thanksgiving and little Johnny was visiting his Grandparent's farm

 Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

 A little later on, they saw horses. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

 That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

 Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm getting a hamburger!"





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[Hooter]

Roy,
   
  You have too much time on your hands!   

[Roy]

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Two Dogs take on Jedi Cat..






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[Roy]

Top Ten Indicators that your Employer has changed to the Affordable Care Act...



10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

 9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

 7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

 5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

 3) The only expense covered 100% is .... Embalming.

 2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.



 AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:



 1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.








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[Roy]

Alabama Preacher . . .



A Blonde in Church


An Alabama pastor said to his congregation:


"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short.

Smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!







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[Roy]

A real three dollar Machine Gun that shoots real wooden bullets...










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[Roy]

Born a Lutheran...



Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the

shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's

neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from

eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville

all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic

faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After

several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest

sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and

raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful

aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into

Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and

watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully

sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz

raised a deer, but now you is a walleye."






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[bigguy]

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Doggie left-overs from Thanksgiving?

 

[Roy]

A good sign for Burglars...



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[Roy]

What's your name Biker !




An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
“Fred,” he replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, “It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”





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[bigguy]

Ya can't make up stuff this funny.

[Roy]

If she's Jack sparrow I'm Huck Finn..

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Van Gogh Family Tree...



FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH...


for our Art Scholars...



And here we Gogh!



His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Fla-ming Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh







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[Roy]

The difference between Beer Nuts and Deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99.

Deer nuts are under a Buck.





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[Roy]

Dressed in White...



Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl was mesmerized by the whole spectacle.

 Finally, she leaned over and whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

 "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, trying to keep it simple.

 The youngster thought about this for a while.

 "So then, why," she finally asked her mother after putting the pieces together, "is the groom wearing black?"






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[Jess from VA]

Out of the mouth of babes..... 

[Roy]

Dogs Dinner is served at his private table...




http://www.guywheatley.com/photos/dinner-time.gif







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[Roy]

Old Timer...


It was a cold and windy night, the local roadhouse was doing a lively business.

 A group of college boys and their dates were throwing back a few brews when the door opened and an elderly man entered. He push the door shut behind him not quite hard enough, and it blew open again as he walked away. "Hey Grandpa! Shut the door! Was you born in a barn?" one of the boys yelled.

 The old man turned slowly, shuffled back to the door and closed it, then walked to a table and sat down. The young people were laughing about it when one of the girls noticed that the old man was quietly crying. "Bob, look there! You made the poor old guy cry!" she said. "Now you go and apologize to him." So the boy walked over to the old man's table and said, "Hey old timer, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean nothing." "Oh, that's ok," said the old timer, "You see, the truth is, I was born in a barn, and every time I hear a jackass bray, I get so homesick I cry."





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[Roy]

For the Youngins...



What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.
Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he
made a Boo-Boo.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.
What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen!
Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.
Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"
Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.
What did the dog say to the tree? bark.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh
What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ".

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
 
Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.
Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
 
How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.
How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction.
How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises.
What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!
Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!
 
What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing.
 
If a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.
Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"
What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."
How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.







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[Super Santa]

Have you ever seen an elephant in an M & M dish?

Painting the toenails must work.

[Super Santa]

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, now wait a minute! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for a position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[RainMaker]

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest ta-tas.

[Roy]

Church Humor...


It was just a poor country church. The members of the church were poor dirt farmers with very little income.
On Sunday the Pastor pleaded with them for whatever extra they could donate. The church was in disrepair and badly needed a coat of paint. The poor folks gave what they could , but it wasn't enough. George offered to do the painting as his donation .
The pastor gave George the money for the paint. When George returned, he said that it wasn't enough paint .
The pastor said, "It's all we have, add some water to thin it down". So he did.
A short while later George returned and said, "It's still not going to be enough".
The pastor told him to add more water - thin it down.
About an hour later George finished - Oh my, here comes a rain cloud. The rain washed the paint off the church.
The pastor stood out, eyes toward heaven, and said, "Oh God, what am I to do?"
A deep voice came out of heaven and said, "Repaint and thin no more".










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[Roy]

Slap Fish. . .



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