H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Drug Problem...



 had a "drug" problem when I was a young person and teenager.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night.
I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night.
I was "drug" to Sunday School every week.
I was "drug" to Vacation Bible School.
I was "drug" to the family altar to read the bible and pray.
I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.

Those "drugs" are still in my veins; and they affect my
behavior in every thing I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine,
crack or heroin and if our children had this kind of "drug" problem,
the world would certainly be a better place.





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[Jess from VA]

Michigan Upper Peninsula humor.

Da Yooper Creation Story
In da beginning, dere weren’t nuttin nowhere.
On da first day, God created da YOOP, which is called by college folks da “upper peninsula.”
On da second day He created da partridges, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.
On da third day He said “let der be Yoopers to roam the U. P.”
On da forth day He created da udder world, down below.
On da fifth day He said “Let der be trolls to live in da world down below.”
On da sixth day He created da bridge, so da trolls would have a way to get to Heaven (cause Paradise is on Highway 123.)
God looked at his creation, and said it was very good.
So on the seventh day, He went fishin.
De end.
Please note: Nowhere in da creation story does God create mosquitos.  Dem come straight from Hell, which is down by Ann Arbor.

[Roy]

Dats funny!

[Roy]

You know it's the Holidays. . .



You know it's the holidays when,
Jack frost is nipping at your nose and

Jack Squat is in your bank account.







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[Roy]

Christmas Story...


A elementary teacher asked her class after singing "Silent Night" to draw a picture of what the Nativity Scene might have looked like.
Little Johnny did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked St. Nick into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, " Oh, that's Round John Virgin."





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[Roy]

A guy walks out of a Bar...


A guy walks OUT of a bar, completely soused. He staggers over to his car, drops his keys several times, and is trying to open the door when a cop grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around, shining a flashlight in his face.

"Your eyes are bloodshot!" exclaims the cop. "Have you been drinking?"

The drunk suddenly grabs the flashlight and shines it in the cop's face, yelling "Your eyes are glazed! Have you been eating donuts?





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[Jess from VA]

What the hell is that?


Overcome, Improvise, adapt.


Boy, those other guys are in trouble with no helmet.


Good boy!!


Down on the bayou.


Been there, done that, got the Tshirt.


New cow tipping camo from Bass Pro.




And finally, a nice little stocking stuffer for Christmas.

[Roy]

The Darwins Are Out!!!!
2013

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here Is The Glorious Winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And Now, The Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.








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[Roy]

A child's question...


A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the child asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said it developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”





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[..]

> > 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
 > >
 > > 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
 > >
 > > 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
 > > have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
 > >
 > > 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
 > > Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
 > >
 > > 5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
 > > (Billy, age
 > >
 > > 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
 > > pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
 > >
 > > 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
 > > ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
 > > to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
 > > off eating beans. (William, age 7)
 > >
 > > - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
 > > I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
 > > Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
 > >
 > > 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
 > > always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
 > > just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
 > >
 > > 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
 > > give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
 > > they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
 > >
 > > 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
 > > willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
 > >
 > > 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
 > > go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age
 > >
 > > 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
 > > going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
 > > up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
 > >
 > > 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
 > > I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
 > >
 > > 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
 > > What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
 > > (James, age 7)
 

[Roy]

Last Wish . . .


A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised him that he had only six months to live. Because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check up.

 The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order," make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life.

 What will you do for the last six months? asked the Doctor.
 His patient thought for a few minutes then replied.
 I think I will go and live with my mother-in-law!

 Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, Of all the people, why in the world would you want to live with your Mother in law??
 Because it will be the longest six months of my life!

[Roy]

Self made natural Tattoo . . .






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[Roy]

Hundreds gather to protest Global Warming...



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[Roy]

Funny Pants...







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[Roy]

BROADcast Weather girls in Mexico...





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M. Gamarra Broadcast Weather Person, USA, Telemundo.


http://media.heavy.com/media/2012/09/weather18.jpg











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[Roy]

The Rabbit man......(pun)



There was once a simple Frenchman named Hugo, who lived in Paris. He had no real home, but found shelter where he could. His only income was from the selling of rabbits, which he raised, and kept in a motley collection of cages and hutches he had built, and which were situated on a vacant lot in a poor section of the city.

 One day a city official came by and noticed Hugo tending his rabbits, and, proud of his authority, told Hugo that he must remove his cages from the lot, which was city property. Hugo was in despair, having no place t move his rabbits, and told all his customers and friends of his plight. A local parish prioest heard of his troubles and decided to help the poor man. He told Hugo that there was a blind alcove behind the cathedral where no one ever went, and which was pretty well hidden from view both from inside the building and from the street. “You could put your rabbits back there, no one would find them, and they would be sheltered from the cold wind,” he told Hugo.

So Hugo happily moved his rabbits to the new location, and was soon back on the street, selling the tasty meat to his regular customers. “Hugo, I saw that they made you clear all your cages off that city lot,” said the owner of one meat market. “We all thought you’d be out of business.” “Where are you keeping your rabbits?” “Oh,” said Hugo, “I’ve got a hutch back of Notre Dame."



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[Roy]

Food for thought...



There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What is the speed of dark?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How can there be self-help groups?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways is Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are preparations A through G?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a bunch of purples.

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?







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[98pacecar]

This,,,,, made me laugh...   

Ultimate Dog Tease	powered by Aeva

[Super Santa]

Marriage

Tim decided to tie the knot with Sue, his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was in his work room assembling some shotgun shell reloads for his planned upcoming hunt.

Sue was standing there at the bench.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, reloading ammo, and fishing. She continued, “Maybe you should sell your guns and boat too.

Tim got this horrified look on his face.

Sue then said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

Tim replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" Sue screamed, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

[Roy]

Adult exercise...




My doctor is constantly urging me to get some exercise. Wanting to be able to give him some good news on my next visit I have started walking around the block three times a day. I start in my back yard and walk around a cinder block three times each morning before coffee.









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[Roy]

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Voices from the grave. . .




It was a dark and cloudy night when a drunk, cutting through the cemetery on his way home, stumbled into a grave that had been left open in preparation for a funeral the next morning. He picked himself up and tried to climb out, but the sheer walls and lack of footing prevented him from making it, Finally, giving up, he curled up in one end and fell asleep. He had no sooner fell asleep than another fellow happened along, and also fell in, landing in the other end, fortunately.

 The second man struggled to his feet and began trying to climb out, having no more luck than had the first man. After he had made several attempts, the drunk reached out and grabbed his ankle, (in the pitch black darkness) and said, "You're never going to get out of here.".........and guess what.....the guy made it out the very next try.

[Roy]

Exercise round and round. . .







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[Jess from VA]

That absolutely needs to be a CAPTION THIS.

Gloria was doing it wrong.  One guy started to say something, but the guy next to him knocked him off the fence.  

If that is not a women's Olympic event, it should be.

[Fritz The Cat]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Roy]

Lost my glasses. . .


Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
...


Yes, the new hula hoop technique should be a  CAPTION THIS, but anyhting I write could be held against me..





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[Roy]

Hula Hoop. . .  I don't see it, I think it's a Hiney HooP..

[Roy]

No DUI for me on New Years...


Well I did something last night that I have never done! After going out with my wife for New Year's Eve, and celebrating a little, well we took a cab home! And as expected came upon two road blocks checking for drunk drivers! Well being in a cab they just waved it on through! We made it home safe and sound!


Now, there does seem to be a problem... I have no Idea where my car is!! Oh yeah, there is also a cab in my garage and I don't remember how it got there, or where I got it from, and I don't know what to do with it...




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[Roy]

Your WHAT!






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[Roy]

Don't bump into the wall...


A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the casket, they hear a moan. They open the casket and discover the woman is still alive. They take her to a hospital where she makes a miraculous recovery. The woman goes on to live another 10 years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”






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[bigguy]

How Norwegians are born

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

The Biker and the Priest...


Father Riley walks into the local biker bar in town and immediately draws attention from some of the toughest bikers in the area. He walks up to the first biker he says and asks, “Do you want to go to heaven?"

The biker groused, "Yes."

The priest directs, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then he asks the second biker, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"I sure do," snarled the biker.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

On a good streak, Father Riley looks around and finds the toughest, meanest biker he can find in the bar, Biker Bob. He walks straight up to him and forcibly asks, "How about you? Do you want to go to heaven?"

Biker Bob stands up straight, glares the priest right in the eye and states, "No, I don't Father."

The priest says, "I can’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Biker Bob replies, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."







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[Roy]

Dear Algebra;

Please stop asking us to find your X.

She's never coming back to you and don't ask Y.





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[Roy]

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[wiggydotcom]

Short and clever text message I've got to try someday!


“Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven. If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read
this message again.”

[baird4444]

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had. Johnny replied,

'This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass....

it'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

[Roy]

1911. . .


A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his 1911....

“Who in here has been screwing my wife?” he demands.

A voice from the back of the bar yells back.

“You need more ammo.”







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[Roy]

Polite way to pee...


During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

 Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.






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[Roy]

Idiot sitings . . .





Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

>From Kingman , KS .



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' T o which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS





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[bigguy]

IDIOT SIGHTING

While making a deposit at the bank, I asked for two stickup calendars. The teller look surprised and said she didn’t know what a stickup calendar was. I pointed to the tiny little calendar with the adhesive strip attached to her cubical a few inches from her right shoulder and said,. “like that.”

IDIOT SIGHTING

Friends of mine were adopting a baby girl from Columbia. A coworker asked how old the child would be. I told them it would be about 4 months old by the time the adoption was completed. They then asked me if the baby would speak english.