H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Mixed messages . . .


I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said :
“Hi, how are you ?”

Embarrassed, I said : “I’m doing fine.”

The voice said : “So what are you up to ?”

I said : “Just doing the same as you, sitting here !”

He said : “Can I come over ?”

Annoyed, I said : “ rather busy right now.”

The voice said : “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions.”





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[Roy]

Best 'come back' line ever...



For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!"
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.






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[Roy]

Redneck Campers Porta Potty.








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[Roy]

Man in his death bed...


An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."


"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."


The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."







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[Roy]

Knocking on my door at 2:30 AM !!






Would you believe it, my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30 am this morning......luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.










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[Roy]

Dog Stuff . . .






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[Roy]

A few good ideas...





I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

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[Roy]

New word for lowering or raising car windows?







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[cookiedough]

Roy,  an even better one yet beside crank down windows is ask pretty much anyone under 25 (or even 30 years old) what that round silver push-in knob on the top left side on the floor is for you tap with your left foot at night?  Am sure 95% of people that age and younger don't know that is the dim/bright switch for headlights at night.

[R J]

Back up a few more years and they do not know what the little button beside the throttle on the floor was for.

STARTER.

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

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Gym workout.





Ken was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"


The trainer looked Ken over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."






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[Roy]

Praying before the meal...



Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."






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[Roy]

Nice set of Fishing Waders...




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[bigguy]

Signature line on one of the gun forums:

"When they knocked on the door and said, ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS... I naturally thought it was a delivery..."

[bigguy]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[Willow]

Quote Modify Remove
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.

...

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, ...

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million.

He must have been really, really active or she had more customers.     Averaging once per day for forty years is still a little less than $300,000.  A million bucks would take an average of three and a half times every day.   

[R J]

Quote Modify Remove
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.

...

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, ...

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million.

He must have been really, really active or she had more customers.     Averaging once per day for forty years is still a little less than $300,000.  A million bucks would take an average of three and a half times every day.   

Gunny, did your figure include interest?

40 years at the interest rate back then could add a fair sized amount.

You would make a good penny pincher.   LOL.

[Willow]

Gunny, did your figure include interest?

40 years at the interest rate back then could add a fair sized amount.

You would make a good penny pincher.   LOL.

R J, I'm pretty sure the story stated deposits totaling a million,  I think the growth to two million was supposed to account for interest.  Seems like the author of the story missed on both counts, doesn't it?

Actually, R J, I've tended to be loose with my money.  At this stage in life I seriously wish I had been a penny pincher.  Twenty dollars a shot may have cut down on my activity as well.   

[R J]

Gunny, you know if you had of wandered & if Lori would of caught you doing something, she would have fixed you permanetly on that kind of activity.

It not worth the gamble Bro.   Don't ask me how I know, cause I don't know, just assuming that she is like a good share of the ladies who want revenge.

When I worked CHP in Orange County, a lady got charged with murder and sentenced to 15 years I think it was.    Been too many years ago to remember the sentence. 

She whacked his willie off while he slept and then let him bleed to death before she called for an ambulance.

[bigguy]

OK then, While were on the subject of wronged women ...
The LawDog files from the Firing Line Forum

[Jess from VA]

Bringing this to the top.   



It's not a joke, pun or riddle.

Who cares? 

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Funny Puddy Cat . . .







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[Roy]

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[R J]

I showed this picture to the other 1/2.

Her response was and I quote.

"Don't go getting any smart assed comments or you will be doing your own cooking."

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Darth Vader and his new wife.






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[R J]

Darth Vader and his new wife.






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Roy, dat is one of da gooder ones.      I just about sprayed coffee all over the keyboard.

[Roy]

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The silent treatment...





A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 7 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5 a.m. Wake up!"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[..]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



 
 
 "OK, OK, I can't parallel park!  You do it, you smug bastard."

[Roy]

         

[Roy]

[Roy]

Bear Joke...






Bare walks in to a bar. orders a whiskey and..................coke

Bartender says why the large pause



Bear says I don't know I was born with them.






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[Roy]

Ferguson Looters...


I just read that the reason they are not arresting any LOOTERS in Ferguson is because Eric Holder's Justice Department has reclassified them.


They are not LOOTERS anymore

They are now UNDOCUMENTED SHOPPERS..






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[henry 008]

I heard that after all that looting, not one pair of work boots were stolen....       

[salty1]

Funny Puddy Cat . . .


Funny? Nice kitty!





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[Roy]

Times are changing...

(woman's joke)



For all men who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you.   Nowdays 80% of women are against marriage.  why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig. . . . just to get a little

sausage.






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[Moonshot_1]

Speaking of pigs...

Farmer and his wife are sound asleep when their prize pig knocks down the door and drags them out of a burning house.

The story of the pig's heroics gets out fast and soon the local TV news gal is out there to cover the story.

With the camera rolling she asks the farmer about the night of the fire and he tells her how the pig came into the house and dragged them both out. At that time the pig goes by and the reporter realizes that the pig has lost one of it's rear legs.

The reporter asks the farmer "How did your pig lose his leg in the fire?"
The farmer said "Oh, he didn't lose his leg in the fire. With a great pig like that you can't eat him all at once."

[OzarkRider]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.