H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

SMART WOMEN ARE DANGEROUS...


Never Argue with a Woman..


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
 
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
 She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
 The peace and solitude are magnificent.
 
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
 He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?'
 
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
 
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
 
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
 
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
 
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.












---

[Roy]

Sipping Vodka...


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
 
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
 11) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

 12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.







---
 

[Roy]

A Very Special Birthday Celebration..


This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turns 43. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, Putting everything in her mouth................They grow up so fast - don't they?











---

 

[Jess from VA]

[Roy]

LOL

[Roy]

40th Anniversary...


Wife's Worth...


After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a
large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me
that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a
10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems.











---

[Super Santa]

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[Don07tncav]

Sweetness of Married Life

The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the
wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right
back."

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a
beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they
have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know . There's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... LISTEN UP, YOU CHICKEN ! SIT
YOUR SORRY  DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR  DAMN BEER IN YOUR
FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR  HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE  MARRIED AND
YOUR SORRY AIN'T GOING TO NO BAR! THAT IS  OVER, GOT
IT, ?'

And... they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

[Big IV]

A naked man walked into a bar and announced,  "I'm a card carrying nudist." No one asked where he carried the card.

[Roy]

Having Babies...


‎3 men were waiting outside the labor ward of the hospital. A nurse came out to tell the 1st man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!" he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co.!"

5 mins later, a nurse came out to tell the 2nd man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!"



The 3rd man stood up & muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7-Up!" ;-)











---

[Jess from VA]

A FARMER DECIDED

HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN

AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED HIM ABOUT THE BIRD.

THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.

WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT 
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER

AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO

TWO OLD WIDOWS

THE MOVIE STARTED

AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .

THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO

CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT

AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME

IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND

HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..

"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S

EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[bigguy]

Three nurses were gossiping about the cute new doctor. They eventually decided that they would all three play a practical joke on him. They agreed to meet back the next day and see who had come up with the best gag.
Meeting the next day, the first nurse said, "Well my joke wasn't as funny as I hoped. I just switched around some of his files."
The second nurse said, "Well, my joke was of a very personal nature. I found a box of his condoms and put a pin hole in each one of them.
The third nurse fainted.

[Thulsa Doom]

Bud Light Drunk


A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue

Edit:  Text removed.  Jokes implying abused women are responsible for their own beatings are not funny.   

[Don07tncav]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.



I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in

front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It

was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat

eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady’s says, "Flucyouwhitepeople too”

[Roy]

A senior couple walks into the Dr's office and asks if the Dr can watch them have sex.

Senior sex...


When they are done he states there is nothing wrong with the way you have sex and charged them $65

This went on for weeks ... finally the Dr. says if you folks could explain the problem perhaps I could help.

The old boy says heck there is not problem ...

She's married and we can't use her house
I'm married and we can't use mine
The Grand Hotel gets $95 for a room.

The Strand gets $75 ... we can do it here for $65 and get $55 back from Medicare..








---

[Roy]

Ten rules to live by...



Ten rules to go by...


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


*



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*





*

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.












---

[Roy]

LONE RANGER and TONTO IN A SALOON...



The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

"I do", the Lone Ranger replied. "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "You better take care of him. He¹s almost dead from the heat."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.

The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.

Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.

A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

"I do," the Lone Ranger said, "What's wrong with him this time?"



*





*





*
"Nothin'," the cowboy said, "But you left your Injun runnin'."














---

[bigvalkriefan]

Fear in California!
.
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.
.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
.
We will keep you posted on future developments.

[Roy]

L O L  !

[Roy]

Golf Joke . . .



A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. 

 

 

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. 



Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" 

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. 



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." 



The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" 



 

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

 

 

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says:

 

 

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, then he makes the eagle and wins the match. 



As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. 

 

 

I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."





*

 



"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, You dumb devil. . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I'm Father O'Malley."











---

[Roy]

Internet Intercourse .  .   .    .     .  of course.


*****  joke.



Daddy, how was I born? "Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: . . . . . . .  You got Male!!











---

[Roy]

John B. O'Reilly's best Toast...




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
 life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
 the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
 spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
 corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
 the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
 only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
 other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."










---

[Roy]

- G - Rated


Lighten your day with a little grammar lesson!!.....







No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED,


 

 

In a way that's easy to understand.

 

 Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.


I beg to differ because, there is.
 





When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".


And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!




And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
You are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED"!!!











---

[Roy]

Coming home under the influence...

Patten staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patten woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patten said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's

*





*




*

all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.












---

[Roy]

Why do Sharks Circle ?



Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the crap out of them."

So now you know











---

[Don07tncav]

What Confucius Did Not Say‏
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Finally Confucius did say. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[Roy]

LOL !

[Roy]

The Coma...



Scootergirl gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Darn came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not Darn -- he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Scootergirl thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about Darn. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"


*






*




*



*

The doctor replies, DeNephew











---

[Don07tncav]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER!!!!

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. ; "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her tw@t"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's f anny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, spluttering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[Roy]

Canadian Humor...

A Catholic Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Newfie said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night?'











---

[Roy]

Judges at a BEST CHILI CONTEST...


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
! Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


************************************************** ***

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


************************************************** ***



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from
all of the beer.


************************************************** ***



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


************************************************** ***



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.


************************************************** ***



&! nbsp; CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rearend with a snow cone.


************************************************** ***



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


************************************************** ***



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report










---

[Roy]

Farts make a HONDA sound ?


This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".





"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.





The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".





After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.





Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it.





The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."





The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....





The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."





The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"





The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"







---

[Roy]

Motoring News


RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE...

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . .
 
*The Clitaurus.*

The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.

Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.




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[Roy]

Surrounded...



You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







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*
Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.











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[musclehead]

Secret footage take at last Inzane

CENTRUM Silver - feel young again

my eyes!!!! 

[Jess from VA]

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, ''Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?''

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ''Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.''

Little Tony said, ''OK,'' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ''Grandma, Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.... she said it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.''

[Roy]

75 cents...



A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

*


*



*




*


 

The guy says, "75 cents."

[Big IV]

What is a zombie's favorite weather?





Brain Storms

[Roy]

MANURE.....


Manure An interesting fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and as it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.


As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.


After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.


You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I!









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[tank_post142]

stier scheisse !