H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[gordonv]

An old biker walks up to the cashier and says "I'll have a 3 pack of condoms please".

Cashier replies "Would you like a bag with that?"

The old biker thinks for a moment, and then says "Nah... She's not that ugly"

[Roy]

`


 .... ....

[path]

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.  They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.  Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.  Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

[Super Santa]

BLONDE

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Jess from VA]

I took my middle eastern wife to her first (Tiger) baseball game (she had never even seen one on TV).

Questions the fans sitting around us found amusing.

So is the guy throwing the ball trying to hit the guy with the stick?  

How many times does he get to try and hit him?

So does the guy have a stick to defend himself from the guy throwing the ball?  It looks really hard to hit a ball thrown that fast.  Do they let them use bigger sticks?

How come the two guys in back get to have padding and masks, but the guy with the stick who needs it most doesn't have any padding or mask?

That one big guy keeps scratching his private parts, that's not very polite in front of all these people.


All those guys are spitting stuff all over the place, that's not very polite either.

OK, when he gets lucky and hits the ball, he gets to run.  So are they still trying to hit him with the ball when he runs?  Isn't he allowed to carry the stick with him while he runs to protect himself?  

After three innings, OMG this is boring as hell, is it almost over?    

This place is huge; is there any shopping in here besides hot dogs, peanuts, cokes and beer?

[R J]

That sounds about right for a Baseball definition.    LOL.

[R J]

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.   
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.   
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception.
The policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.   
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.     
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,   
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

[Gryphon]

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

[Roy]

`



This test is to determine if you are a true redneck. A yes answer to more than 5 qualifies you.

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
 
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
 
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
 
9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15.. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk .

[bigguy]

I called the local library to see if they had a book on Pavlov’s Dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The lady said it rang a bell, but she didn’t know if it was there or not.



Told this joke on the layout desk - Big laughs.
Told this joke in Editorial - Big laughs.
Told this joke in the business office - Big laughs.
Told this joke on the sports desk - Crickets.

[path]

A man walks into a bar. 

On the bar is a bowl of gold nuggets with a sign that reads, "Make the horse laugh to win this bowl of gold."

The man walks over to the horse and whispers in its ear.  Suddenly the horse begins to laugh uncontrollably.  The man picks up his prize as he leaves.

A week later the same man returns to the bar and notices another bowl of gold nuggets with a sign that reads, "Make the horse cry and win this bowl of gold."

The man walks over to the horse and whispers in its ear.  Suddenly the horse begins to cry uncontrollably.  As the man goes to pick up his prize, the bartender stops him and inquires, "How'd you do that?"

The man replies, "Well the first time I told the horse that my dick was longer than his and the second time I showed him."

 

[wiggydotcom]

A man is watching TV one night when he hears a knock at the door. He answers the door and sees nobody outside. He shrugs his shoulders and is about to close the door when he notices a snail on the threshold. He bends down and picks up the snail and gives him a mighty toss out into the middle of the front yard.

Three years later, the man hears a knock at the door. He answers the door and sees no one. Just as he's about to close the door, he notices a snail on the threshold.

The snail glances up at him and says, "What was THAT all about?!!"

[signart]

 :2funny:That is a funny joke

[bigguy]

[..]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.



At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."



Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.



God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"



Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."



God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"



Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"



God said, "Yes."



"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:



1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;



3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;



5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"



"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."



God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Tato]

OK!  Here is some Boomer laughs!


After many years of marriage, a slightly senile old farmer from Oklahoma decides it's time to see a lawyer about a getting a divorce,

"Do you have grounds?" asks the lawyer

"Yes sir, about 100 acres" replies the old man

"No, no, I mean do you have a case" says the lawyer

"No sir," says the old guy.  "But I do have a John Deere!"

"What I mean is, do you have a grudge?" says the lawyer

"Yup," replies the farmer.  "That's where I park my John Deere!"

"No, no, no," says the lawyer, who is becoming frustrated.  "Do you have a suit?"

"Yessiree," says the old guy.  "I wear it to church every Sunday."

"Does your wife beat you up?" asks the lawyer, trying another approach.

"Nope," says the farmer.  "We both get up at the same time, 5:30 every morning."

"No," says the lawyer, "you don't understand.  I'm trying to find out why you want a divorce. What does you wife think the problem is?"

The farmer thinks for a moment and replies, "She says she can't talk to me anymore."

[The emperor has no clothes]

Has anybody heard from Roy ? Haven't seen him on here posting jokes for a long time.

[hukmut]

A blonde lady goes to her hairdressers wearing a set of headphones. She asks the hairdresser if she could get her hair cut. He says " sure, but you must remove your headphones.". "Oh, no, I can't do that!" she says,  as she leaves.  She then went to another hairdressers down the street. She then asked that hairdresser if she could get her haircut. "Sure, but you gotta take of those headphones."  "No! I cannot!" She left that hairdresser and quickly found another one just a block away. She then asked that hairdresser if she could get her hair cut. The hairdresser says " sure, just have a seat." He begins trimming her hair and notices that she has dosed off. He then very carefully removes her headphones and goes about the job of cutting her hair. Upon finishing cutting her hair, he tries to wake her up.
To his horror, he finds that she is dead!!!!!
He picked up the headphones and gives a listen.........














Breathe in, 

breathe out, 

breathe in, 

breathe out.

[Roy]

`



There was a news clip somewhere of a news broadcast that aired the day after a winter storm was supposed to sweep through the viewing area. However, the storm fizzled before it got there and didn't amount to much of anything.

As a segue into the weather segment, the female anchor turned to the weatherman and asked, "So, Bob where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Bob was laughing so hard he could barely stand up...






`

[The emperor has no clothes]

`



There was a news clip somewhere of a news broadcast that aired the day after a winter storm was supposed to sweep through the viewing area. However, the storm fizzled before it got there and didn't amount to much of anything.

As a segue into the weather segment, the female anchor turned to the weatherman and asked, "So, Bob where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Bob was laughing so hard he could barely stand up...






`

You are back ! 

[Roy]

Plumber. . .



A woman called a plumber and before he came to the house the woman stepped out to a neighbor’s house.
When the plumber arrived he knocked on the door.
Imitating the woman’s voice perfectly the parrot says, ” Who is it?”
Plumber,“It’s the plumber”.
Parrot “Who is it?”
Plumber louder, “It’s the plumber”.
Parrot “Who is it?”
Plumber even louder, “It’s the plumber”.
Parrot “Who is it?”
Plumber even louder with veins sticking out of his neck, “It’s the plumber”.
Parrot “Who is it?”
Plumber whispering as he has a heart attack, “It’s the plumber”.
Just then the woman comes home and says “Oh my god, who is this”



`




`




`
Parrot “It’s the plumber?”

[Roy]

Newly Wed...


A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

[Roy]

Death by Guitar...


A woman is brought in to court charged with battering her husband to death with his treasured guitars.

The judge peers at her over his glasses and asks "First offender ?"

The lady replies "No first a Gibson then a Fender !"




`

[Jess from VA]

Good one.   

And good to have you back Roy.

[Detn8er]

Blonde On Board....

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.

 'Why is that?' he said.

 'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...'stit ruoy su wohs'.

[Detn8er]

Confucius Say:


It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
 but don't let a kiss fool you.

A kiss is just shopping upstairs
 for downstairs merchandise.

It is better to lose a lover
 than love a loser.

[ridingron]

I went to the zoo today and they only had one animal, a dog!?!

It was a shih tzu.....

[gordonv]

A man comes home early from work, and catches his daughter with her boy friend making out on the couch.

The daughter looks up in shame and says "I'm sorry".

The father looks down, and says "Hi Sorry. I'm your Dad".


He then looks at the boy and says...






"Are you F$#@ing Sorry?"

[gordonv]

Senior Response

 

 

                    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

                    

                    Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

                    

                    Helloooo,.......... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

                    

                    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

                    

                    Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

                    

                    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

                    


                    He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

[gordonv]

Sex & Calories

 

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.


Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

[gordonv]

New Government Logo

The guy who thought of this was brilliant


The Government's New Symbol is that of a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance...

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[¿spoom]

Speaking of condoms...

[gordonv]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing She replied,

"I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.


On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."


"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[czuch]

A guy was hitch hiking on a long dark Nevada road.
Another guy in a car stopped and offered a ride, He got in.
After the usual pleasantries the hitch hiker thought the driver was a bit odd.
To ensure basic safety he said,
 "Thanks for picking me up without knowing anything about me. I mean, ha, how do you know I'm not a serial killer, or something"?
The driver replied, "What would be the odds of two serial killers in the same car on a dark Nevada road"?