H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Bob and the Blonde...


Bob walked into a sports bar  around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And  stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. 
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a  large building
Preparing to jump.  The blonde looked at  Bob and said,
"Do you think  he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet  he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I  bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar  and said,
"You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her  money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the  building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, 
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your  money."



Bob replied,
"I can't take  your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he  would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did,  too,
But I didn't think he'd do it  again." Bob took the  money.



---

[Roy]

The Agony of Dislexia this time of year...



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot!  You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

[Roy]

Affection...


For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"



---

[Roy]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET....

 
 
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

 

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.

 

 BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."



BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

 MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"



 *
 
 
 
 
 
 
 *
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*



 
 
 
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

[Roy]

Judge asks:

WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE...



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"



She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."



He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."



"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."



"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."



Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"



"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me..




---

[Roy]

MICKEY MOUSE DIVORCE.....



"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied:

"I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's #$%*ing goofy!"






---

[Roy]

JOKE OF THE SEASON . . . . . HALLOWEEN



A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your rear and go as a fudgesicle."

[Grumpy]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Grumpy]

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[Roy]

This joke has been around before in one form or another, but always enjoy the story..

HIGH NOONER.....


A young farm couple got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.
When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.
And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home
and another half hour to return to the field and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you
and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you.
Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.
Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc.. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot and Darlene'd come runnin'.
We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
 <'((((><

[Roy]

Chess at the Hotel..... . . . . (Pun)


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
 
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."







---

[Roy]

The Barber.....


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left. 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,  'How long before I can get a haircut ?'

The barber looked around at the  shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the  same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a  haircut ?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and  a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,  'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The  barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves ?'

Bob looked up,  wiped the tears from his eyes and said,



'Your house !'




---

[Roy]

Funny election comment by Bette Midler



O.K. - I'm no real Bette Midler fan other than her singing of the The Rose.
 
However, she has come up with a really great election year comment.
 

I haven't left my house in days.
 I watch the news channels incessantly.
 All the news stories are about the election.
 All the commercials are for Viagra or Cialis.
 election - erection - election - erection
 Either way we're getting screwed !
 
-Bette Midler-





---

[Roy]

Proof They are Dead . . .


There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.





---

[Roy]

WHy ATHETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS.....



1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan'
All the kids to copulate me."
 

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins:  "He treat us like mens.  He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
Like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in
Groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
Prison for three years, ....not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
Color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes." ?

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
Heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
What time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
Uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
January) ?

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what
he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one
Subject.."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
Responded:  "Because
she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."





---

[Jess from VA]

Those are great!

'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

[Jess from VA]

Boy walks by farmer with bag over shoulder.

'What's in da bag, boy?'

'I gots chickens in dis bag'

'How many chickens you got?'

'If you kin guess how many chickens I got in dis bag, you kin have bouf of em'

'Five?'

'Nope, missed it by one"

[Roy]

Blonde's Last Ride.....


The Blonde's Last Ride....
 



This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

 
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."





---

[¿spoom]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard."

[Roy]

Good one!

    

[Roy]

********************************************************************************

M O T E L . . . 6

********************************************************************************


Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in
agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He
Said, “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiancé, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him, “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint
to let it heal & keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it on there as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided
splint & taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went
on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, “Olaf... you're the
first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”



*





Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied, “Look at dis Lena
...still in DA CRATE!”

[Roy]

The Doctor's Drink. . .    - Pun -


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
 
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
 
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."
 
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

[Don07tncav]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day her Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of her.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Gramma came home.

Her Grampa made Gramma wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Roy]

AN OLD INDIAN STORY.....


There was an indian with one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
 
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone!' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
 
Why you ask???
 
OH, come on.... take a guess !!!
 Think about it !!!
 You're going to love this !!! As everyone knows...
 
You can't kill Two Birds with One Stone!!!

[Don07tncav]

Adult truths
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Roy]

A few Jokes.....


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; But, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam; and, we're stoning her in the morning.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.
So I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, and Sensible; Or, in other words: B.I.G.T.I.T.S.


I've just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our tenth anniversary.



The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.




---

[Roy]

Want to become an Illegal Alien.....



FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY! Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator) The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC , 20510
 
Dear Senator Harkin ,
 
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums .. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
 
 Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

[Roy]

An Italian MaMa...


An Italian MaMa. . .

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
 
Your Loving Son
- Anthony -


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

 -Your Loving MaMa-

 
Moral:
        Never Bulla Shita you MaMa !




---
 

[Roy]

OlD HUNGRY LION. . .



A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book
 
the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[Roy]

HORSE RACING AND THE CHURCH....





A priest wanted to raise money for his church. He was being told there is a fortune in horse racing. So he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he bought a donkey instead. After serious thought, he figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
 
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS:
 The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
 
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
 The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
 
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave it to a Nun in a nearby Convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day:
 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
 The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
 
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
 Upon reading that headline, the Bishop dropped dead and was buried the next day.



 



 


   

[Don07tncav]

Uppppssss
I walked out of the UPS store after dropping off a package and there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. I said, "Come on man, I was in there less than five minutes." He didn't even look up, just kept writing. I got a little chapped - "Jerk."

He walked around the back and started writing a ticket for the license plate holder not being vertical. "Seriously? You doughnut eating goon." He finished writing that ticket, stuck it on top of the first one and found something else. "Are you KIDDING ME!?" I wore him out for the next 20 minutes and he never even made eye contact, just kept writing tickets.

Finally, after he had a whole pile stacked up on the dash he looked at me and said "One more word out of you and I'm gonna have this Hog towed right now."

I looked at him and said "I don't care." I walked across the street, got on my Valkyrie and rode off.

[Roy]

Little Johnny in trouble again...


In school one day the teacher ask the class to make a sentence using the word fascinate. Mary raised her hand and said, we went to the zoo and I saw all the animals and it was fascinating.

The teacher said that was good but she wanted a sentence with fascinate. Little johnny was jumping up and down so the teacher called on him. Johnny said, My Aunt Judy has a blouse that has 10 buttons on it, but her t@ts are so big she can only fasten eight!!!

[Don07tncav]

My wife and I went to the Yorkshire Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL  MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully  nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He  mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a  week.'

We walked to the second pen  which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS  BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

My wife gave me a  healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than  twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot  from him.'

We walked to the third  pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in  capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES  LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and  said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY  learn something from this one.'

I looked  at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

FOURSOME OF MEN AND WOMEN GOLFERS...


A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.  The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.  He was only 43....... 

[Roy]

GOLF HAZARD...


Speaking of golf, out at the country club a woman comes running into proshop
 
 screaming AAAAHHH I GOT STUNG BY A BEE! the guy behind the counter says

 "where?" and the women cries, "BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND HOLE!"

 and the guy says"...um, I think your stance is too wide."

[Smokinjoe-VRCCDS#0005]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
 
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

 
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 
The man replies, "About a gallon." 
 
 
 

[CajunRider]

My dad is a darn good farmer. 

The agricultural community has found him out standing in his field.   

[Roy]

THE PRINCESS



Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly ..

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?


M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
 
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!

[bigguy]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now  dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world  go by from her front porch, with a cat named Ralph for companionship.  One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared Cinderella's fairy  godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here  after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still  yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful  consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but  not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability  checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".  Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said,  "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant  for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish;  what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I  wish for you to transform Ralph, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Ralph suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so handsome that the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Ralph and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Ralph walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered.........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."