H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Stanley Steamer]

The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

it ALWAYS comes back down to that!!!.....for me....

[Roy]

 

Yep, a  good topside always helps.

[Roy]

Death by Firearm statistics...



Here is an interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:


"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq
Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers."


The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .


Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington DC.

[Roy]

* * * * *


Speeding !


Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
  
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and have never
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said,

'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
And when the glass rolled down, He was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.


He told the supervisor,

'I know we are supposed to enforce the law....but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a
very important person.'


The supervisor asked,

'Is it the governor?'


The young trooper said,

'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said,

'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,

'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked,

'Well then, who is it?'

 The young trooper said,


~




'I think it's Jesus or God, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'







`

[Roy]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing there with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked .

"Hunting Flies" He responded .

"Killing any?" She asked .

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied .




~

Intrigued, she inquired. "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

 

[Roy]

Seat...


The train was quite crowded, so a Navy SEAL just home from Special Ops in Central Asia  walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.  The war-weary sailor  asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."


The sailor walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"


This time the sailor didn't say a word.  He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b!t*h out of the window!"

[Jess from VA]

You think YOU had a bad day?

Lightning-Strikes-Man TWICE	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

How close can you build next to an active Train Track?

I knew China was crowded, visited the Mainland and Hong Kong, but this is really crowded beyond belief.


http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket/

[Roy]

Presidents Day...





I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.


She replied, "President's Day is when the President  steps out of the White
House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...






`

[Roy]

Pen that will work in Space, upside down, at any angle, etc...


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would

not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million to

develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including

glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 100°C.
 

The Russians used a grease pencil and a regular pencil for less than one rubel.





``

[Roy]

Two blondes are better than one...


A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really
bad hail storm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she
ends up with her car covered with large dents.

The next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have
a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the
tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down
on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail
pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and
still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home
and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all
the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says,
"Hell-OOOO!

Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?






...

[Roy]

`




Our Military after the impending deep budget cuts...








`

[tank_post142]

no insurance? head to the airport. free x-rays and breast exams for all! mention Al-Qaeda during your visit and get an additional free colonoscopy!!

[Roy]

LOL . . . .         

[Roy]

 
CAJUN BAPTIST.....

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
 
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Slow down
Afore It Be Too Late!'
 
 
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
 
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

 
Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'






`

 
     

[GreenLantern57]

My wife bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, I grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, she stared up at me and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

I replied, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

[Roy]

Two Hamas mothers...


mother of all jokes!


Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

 
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'




~

[Roy]

Summer could be delayed a bit. . .










INSTALLING SUMMER.....
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Summer" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again...









~

[Roy]

Pic from Alaska ...
















~

[Super Santa]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

[Roy]

My wife is addicted to those high tech ATM machines no matter where they are located..  $








-

[Roy]

                       
Boobs vs. Willies


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a  woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still  nice but hanging a bit.

After50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.



 

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,

'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well  dear, a man goes through three phases also. 

In his 20s, his willy is  like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
                         
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

A Christmas tree?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes --- dead from the roots up and the shiney balls are just for decoration.







~

[GreenLantern57]

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.

[tank_post142]

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are urrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, thus forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium... an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Roy]

A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.








`

[Roy]

Marriage in Heaven

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their way to get married, a young Catholic
couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The
couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into
Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could
they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the
first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,"
and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer
for a couple of months. While they waited, they
discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, should they get married,what
with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled, `Yes', he informed
the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
what if things don't work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his
clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea
how long it'll take to find a lawyer....








~

[Roy]

Who enjoys it more? ...



A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.


The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"


"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"








~

[Roy]

TEACHER ARRESTED BY TSA...

 

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.  At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
 

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'  They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'.
 

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'  White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.









~

[Roy]

Two mischievious boys...



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.


The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he  would speak with her boys.

 
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

 
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"


The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.

 
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"



"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"







~

[Roy]

Where the White Man went wrong...














~

[Super Santa]

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Roy]

Good one.     

[Roy]

Two Harley Riders...



The other day I had two Harley Riders ride up to go fishing in the lake.  I rented them a boat and sent them on their way.  About three hours later they came back in with a pile of fish.  I really wanted to know where the fish were caught so I could catch me a mess but didn't want them to know my plans.  HR #1 came in the bait house and informed me they would be back tomorrow.  "How are you going to find the same spot again", I asked.  " HR #2 marked the spot," he replied.  HR#2 came into the bait house and HR#1 asked him how he marked the spot.  "Simple, I took a red magic marker and put a big X on the side of the boat," he replied.  HR#1 exploded, "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.



~







  What if we can't get the same boat tomorrow?









~

[Jess Tolbirt]

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He ret'd from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I'll check again Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there are no Mexican Jews."

Al asked once again, "Are you certain? I can't believe there are NO Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews!"

[Roy]

 

[Don07tncav]

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Had trouble finding neutral on the way home, why?

[Roy]

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party? ?



A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.








~

[Jess from VA]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate examination
with the National Health Service (U.K.), a guy decided to have his next
test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

He lay naked on his side on the bed, and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get
an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse

[Roy]

Geriateric Humor...


Old Men Are Nicer.....

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old,

tall, with long blonde hair,


green eyes,

long legs,

bigg boobs,


she's wearing tight white short shorts,


a halter top and no bra,

with pokey nipples.


What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that....











~.

[Roy]

Good jokes are gettin harder to round up these days!



The good news is: Finally, I lost twenty pounds.








~





The bad news: I was in the UK at the time.