H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[bigguy]

Read the entire subject line at the top...title of the thread.  Just jokes! !  Not one blonde has complained about the blonde jokes here.  Sure I am offended at the jokes about ugly jack asses, But I'm not bitchin about it here! 

That is at best disingenuous. That post was a cheap political shot. I would hope the line, "Just jokes," is an admonition, not a meaningless excuse.

[Roy]

I count 3 donkeys, and 6 elephants, close to the order in which they served.  I must admitt the humor I saw in it was the expression on the President's face in the lower right hand corner.

[RoadKill]

Read the entire subject line at the top...title of the thread.  Just jokes! !  Not one blonde has complained about the blonde jokes here.  Sure I am offended at the jokes about ugly jack asses, But I'm not bitchin about it here! 

That is at best disingenuous. That post was a cheap political shot. I would hope the line, "Just jokes," is an admonition, not a meaningless excuse.

What part of "H U M O R " do you not......Oh,never mind !  Tell another Bush joke,Roy...befor I start feeding the trolls. I know that this is not the place for it.   Keep the jokes coming!

[Roy]

Avoiding a large object...


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what?



*





 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[donaldcc]

Avoiding a large object...


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what?



*





 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

 

[Roy]

Armed Dog walks into an Ole Western Bar...


A rough looking dog walks into an old western saloon with one of his front legs in a sling. He slowly

looks around at all of the scared faces and says  "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw".

[bigguy]

Armed Dog walks into an Ole Western Bar...


A rough looking dog walks into an old western saloon with one of his front legs in a sling. He slowly

looks around at all of the scared faces and says  "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw".

Now that there is funny, I don't care what breed you are. 

[Roy]

LOL

            

[Roy]

MESSAGE FOR SANTA CLAUS





.





.

[Roy]

YOU BETTER BE GOOD YOU LITTLE #$@!T. . . . .








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[donaldcc]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

 

when a little girl on her new shiny bike pulled up beside him.


'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

"Next year tell Santa;
The 'dick' goes underneath the horse, not on top"!!!

[Jess from VA]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[Don07tncav]

Armed Dog walks into an Ole Western Bar...


A rough looking dog walks into an old western saloon with one of his front legs in a sling. He slowly

looks around at all of the scared faces and says  "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw".

followed by .........
....then this mushroom walked into the bar behind him and asked for a drink. "we don't serve your type in here" said the bartender. "why not" the mushroom replied, "I'm a fun guy".....

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

[YoungPUP]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer, and before he can finish it the monkey is running around eating everything he can grab. Peanuts, pretzels, fruit out of drinks, and finally a pool ball. That causes the bar keep to lose it  :tickedoff:and throw them out.   A few months later the guy comes back and promises that the monkey will behave. A few minutes into his visit, the monkey grabs a peanut, sticks it in his butt, pulls it back out and eats it, grabs a pretzel, sticks it in his butt pulls it out and eats it. Before the monkey can do it again the barkeep asks what the hell is going on.
The monkeys owner says that after the monkey had to crap out the pool ball, now he checks to make sure everything fits before he eats it......

[Jess from VA]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer, and before he can finish it the monkey is running around eating everything he can grab. Peanuts, pretzels, fruit out of drinks, and finally a pool ball. That causes the bar keep to lose it  :tickedoff:and throw them out.   A few months later the guy comes back and promises that the monkey will behave. A few minutes into his visit, the monkey grabs a peanut, sticks it in his butt, pulls it back out and eats it, grabs a pretzel, sticks it in his butt pulls it out and eats it. Before the monkey can do it again the barkeep asks what the hell is going on.
The monkeys owner says that after the monkey had to crap out the pool ball, now he checks to make sure everything fits before he eats it......

 

[Roy]

[Roy]

 Ole and Sven...


Ole and Sven were fishing in the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a
cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks... Flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin'
Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[HayHauler]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a beer, and before he can finish it the monkey is running around eating everything he can grab. Peanuts, pretzels, fruit out of drinks, and finally a pool ball. That causes the bar keep to lose it  :tickedoff:and throw them out.   A few months later the guy comes back and promises that the monkey will behave. A few minutes into his visit, the monkey grabs a peanut, sticks it in his butt, pulls it back out and eats it, grabs a pretzel, sticks it in his butt pulls it out and eats it. Before the monkey can do it again the barkeep asks what the hell is going on.
The monkeys owner says that after the monkey had to crap out the pool ball, now he checks to make sure everything fits before he eats it......

Old one but never too old there YP!
Thanks,
Hay 
Jimmyt

[Roy]

WEDDING NIGHT IN SHANGHI...


A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
 Truth be told, he's a waiter and is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
 

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
 
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
 
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
 
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
 




Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
 'You want: "garlic chicken wif snow peas"?

[Roy]

Another Blonde Joke. . .


A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a very hard jigsaw puzzle,and I can't work out how to get started."

 "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" asks her boyfriend.

 "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster" she replies.
 
When the boyfriend arrives, the blonde shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the kitchen table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Secondly, I want you to relax."

 "Lets have a cup of tea," he says with a deep sigh, "and then lets put all the corn flakes back in the box"
 

[Roy]

LAWYERS LEXUS...


A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.



*






*




"My Rolex !!!!”

[Roy]

Two for the price of one...


Sven calls his good friend Ole "Ole you gotta come down and see my new huntin rifle, it's got vun of the most powerful scopes you can buy".

"I'll be right down" says Ole.  Sven says "Come on up to my den and I'll show you".

Ole is so excited to see Sven's new rifle he runs the 1/4 mile down the road to Sven's farm and right up the stairs.

"Ole this here scope is so powerful I bet I can see all the way to your house".

Sven opens the window and sticks the gun in the direction of Ole's house and looks through the scope.

"Ole not only can I she your house but I can see right into your bedroom window".  "And Ole I can see your wife Lena and the milkman naked on the bed".

"Gosh darn it Sven then I want you to shot the milkman in the balls and Lena in the head". says Ole.


"Well Ole" Sven says "I think I can get them both with vun shot then".

[Roy]

Success.....



At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

[Roy]

What it takes to ad 2 + 2



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

[donaldcc]

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

 

[Roy]

Math and the effects of ageing...



Found on the Refrigerator One Morning

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
 
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college and as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:
 



Are you ready?



*


 


18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

[Roy]

Mad Cow disease...



A young female reporter from New York gets her first job in a small Wisconsin farming town. Her editor assigns her to do an article on Mad Cow disease and sends her out to the local dairy farm.

Not knowing much at all about farming or cows she decides to get as much information from the farmer as she can.

"What do you think causes mad cow disease?" She asks the farmer.

"You do know that this a dairy farm right?" asks the farmer.

"Yes I do" says the young reporter.

"Then you must know that we milk all of our cows twice a day". says the farmer.

A liitle embarassed the young reporter admits she doesn't know much about cows or dairy farming.

"Well" says the farmer "Then I don't suppose you know that we'll let the cows only breed once a year then".

Even a little more embarrased but trying to keep her composure she says "Sir, thank you for the information but what does this have to do with Mad Cow Disease?"

"Well missy, let me ask you this" says the farmer. "If I played with your boobs twice a day but only gave you sex once a year wouldn't you be mad too?"

[bigguy]

ITALIAN   BUSINESS

Luigi (the father... says to his son): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son says:  'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi says:  'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter...'
Son answers:  'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says.
'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luig says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case. . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi says: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President answers: 'Ah, in that case. . . ok'
And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

[Roy]

       

[wiggydotcom]

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her

husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewlery store we went into

5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we

could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.



He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

[Roy]

Harley-Davidson Facts...


 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
 At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
 Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
 
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
 
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
 God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
 Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
 God said, 'Ah, yes.'
 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
 

1 There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
 
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
 
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
 
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Roy]

Vasectomys...



A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross Premium and they have National Health Care Low Option."

[Roy]

Mark fell at Walmart yesterday.....



While at WalMart the other day when looking at ammo, I slipped and fell flat on my back. An employee saw me fall, and went over the PA and announced

"Attention WalMart Shoppers! We have a "MARK" down in Sportiing Goods", then I was
trampled by a rush of shoppers.

[Roy]

PLACES I'VE BEEN . . .



I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!



And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!


I have been in Deeps*** many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[grandpaweaver]

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and
wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words.

He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I
am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe
in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas
Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

[Roy]

Little Johnny late for school...



"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny
and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see,
Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few
nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in
the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is
back again... I'm a gonna git him!"

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. He was staring into that darkness, with that low down fox on his mind, when our old hound dog, Rip, who had done gone and woke up, comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's hind-end!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin!"

[Roy]

Questions . . .



Subject: I have a question?
 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
 
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells. . .




 

'THEIRS'?

[Jess from VA]

Democratic Dream Ticket – What A Team!

My name is Barney Frank and I endorse this advertisement