H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

 One of my favorite jokes . . . . probably a repost.


Vinnie and the FBI. . . . . .



An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would Vinnibe happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
 Love,
 Papa
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
 Love,
 Vinnie
 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
 Love you,
 Vinnie
 

[Roy]

 Sipping Vodka

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

[F6BANGER]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?  You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!  Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Roy]

Bikers climbing ladder...



911, can I help you?

Hello! Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[Roy]

Biker Baby.....



A Biker is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar
when he gets a call on his cellphone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical biker baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the biker just shrugs, "That's about average
folks...like I said - my boy's a typical BIKER baby boy."

Two weeks later the biker returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical biker baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.
"What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The biker father takes a slow swig from his LaBatts beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender and proudly says,




*





*




*





"Had him circumcised".

[Roy]

Wife's new underwear...



A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead love life.

She putsthem on under a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her hubby.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times till her husband says. " Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"YES" she answers with a seductive smile!

Husband says "Thank god for that, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.

[Roy]

NEW BRA.....




Dr. Andy McNeel, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. McNeel outside and kicked the S--T out of him.




 

[Roy]

Free sex with fill up . . .



A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck, Billy Ray, pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,"You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

 A week later, Billy Ray, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

 The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Billy Ray guessed 2 this time The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."

 As they were driving away, Billy Ray said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[Roy]

Not really political, just a good laugh at all.



WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD. . .



FAMOUS PEOPLES ANSWERS TO ONE OF LIFES MOST PUZZLING QUESTIONS.
Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

[Jess from VA]

POTUS recently visited the troops.  It didn't go so well.

[NCGhostrider]

Thats not right....funny as he77   Sure to offend someone I bet!!!


Craig
99 I/S
NcGhostrider

[bigguy]

Need chicken crossed the road update for this cycle. Even 4 years old, it's still funny. 

[Roy]

What happens when Engineers go to Hell . . .



An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his
dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.


It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with
the level of comfort  in Hell.  He soon begins to design and build
improvements.  Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets
and escalators.  Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.

One day, God calls Satan and asks:  So, how are things in Hell?

Satan replies:  Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators.  And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims:  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake, he should
never have been sent to Hell.  Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies:  I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him!


God insists:  Send him back or I'll sue!




*




Satan laughs uproariously and answers:  Yeah, right.  And where are you
going to get a lawyer?
 
 
 

[Roy]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
 
So I went to a shrink and told him:

                 
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."

"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
 
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup."

"Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 
FORGET THE SHRINKS - HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[alph]

NITRO sent me this one!! 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC . 
Nothing was moving.
 
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
 
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
 
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
 
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. 
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
 
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 
The man replies, "Roughly, a gallon…"

[..]

Obama goes on  a State visit to Israel.  While he is on a tour of         
Jerusalem,  he has a fatal heart attack.                                 
                                                                           
 The  undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home   
 for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for  $100."     
                                                                           
 The US  diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and   
 tell  him they still want Obama flown  home.                             
                                                                           
 The  undertaker is puzzled and asks:  "Why would you spend $1  million to
 get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here  in this       
 religious country and you would only spend  $100?"                       
                                                                           
 One diplomat  replied:  "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was   
 buried  here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.  We simply     
 can't take that risk".   

[Roy]

Lawyers take on Charity . . .


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.
 
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you ?

 

[Don07tncav]

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

[grandpaweaver]

Welfare Office

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your childrens names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'

An they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names..'

[Roy]

Why Men die earlier than Women...



If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework…you're a pansy.

If you work too hard…there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough…you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…you should get off your lazy butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her…that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you…it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks…it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet…it's male indifference.

If you cry…you're a wimp.
If you don't…you're an insensitive b*****d.

If you make a decision without consulting her…you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you…she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy… that's domination.
If SHE asks you…it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear…you're a pervert.
If you don't…you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape…you're sexist.
If you don't…you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape…you're vain.
If you don't…you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers…you're after something.
If you don't… you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements…you're full of yourself.
If you aren't…you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache…she's tired.
If you have a headache…you don't love her anymore.

If you want sex too often…you're over-sexed.
If you don't…there must be someone else.
 
Men die first because they want to.

[Roy]

GOLFING IN THE GOLDEN YEARS...


Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Well, where did it go?" asks Arthur.





*






*




 

"Can't remember..."

[Roy]

Settling a Cow Case. . .



A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

[Roy]

Adam & Eve



God made man......and man became lonely.......So God told man "If you will give me your heart and soul and be in church every Wed night and every Sunday morning for the rest of your life I'll make you a mate called woman.

She will love you, cook for you, make you a home, have your children, adore you, jump at your every bidding, and she will make marvelous love to you every night for the rest of your life.

Man thought this over.......and asked God "What can I get for just one rib?"

The rest is history...





.

[Roy]

Is this your wife ?  . . .


The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”


Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids.

[donaldcc]

 
  Join the Navy??

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Yv7TI/www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZsERX844Tg

[Roy]

I guess someone forgot that the Army or the Marines didn't catch Osama ?

Don't let the video fool you.  I can remember 20 second showers, water rationing, rolling out of the rack in heavy seas, trying to sleep in high seas.  

A thick smell of gunpower so overpowering that it gave me a 24 hour headache.

Climbing up a flimsy rope later to a Helo overhead in choppy seas with high winds.

Moving from one ship to another in a War zone in total darkness in high seas in a 20 whale boat with a motor that went out half way between the ships, being tossed every which way with enemy Patol Boats in the area.

Working 10 hours on, 2 off, 10 hours on 2 off for 15 days in a War Zone, and once staying out to sea
for 67 days working 13 hours on and 11 hours off with no days off.

Jet crashed landed on flight deck on to Plane loaded with bombs, put a hole in the flight deck and
ripped a downward hole 7 decks down killing 200 plus sailors.

But that was just my short 7 months in the Gulf of Tonkin off the shore of North Vietnam, lots more to tell potential recruits,  but if they want it easy go AIR FORCE!

[donaldcc]

 
  Sounds like Navy not so great for you Roy, thumbs up for your service  .  i was 4 1/2 years with a year at naval hospital in pensacola then NAS moffett field with submarine hunters for 3 1/2 y.  Did get to ride around in the Bering Sea for several months as well.  wouldn't want to miss that. only good thing about it was in and out of pearl harbor  

[Roy]

Don't try this at home . . .


 A young wife whispers in her husbands ear, "I want you to whisper dirty things to me."

He leans over & hugs her & whispers,








*







*







*
 "kitchen, bathroom, bedroom...."

[Roy]

B e e r . . .


A husband and a wife were shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.... and so they continue shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful" replies the wife.
 

The husband replies: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's 1/2 price!"




.

[Roy]

Top 45 Oxymorons. . .


45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Jumbo Shrimp
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer Security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[Super Santa]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her,That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'"What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her,'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her..

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[RainMaker]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.The bartender asks him "Where did you get that ugly thing"?
and the frog says "Would you believe it started as a wart on my a$$"

[Roy]

how short the fuze was . . .  

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

JOB INTERVIEW____


Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory  the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"  "Yes!" Paddy replies.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy replies  "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.........

[Roy]

How to stay married . . . .  R+ rated


A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
 
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
 
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
 
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
 
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, accidently letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
 
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
 
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
 
He replied, "crap woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[Roy]

You know your'e addicted to coffee if :



You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

 You sleep with your eyes open.

 You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

 The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

 You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

 You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

 Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

 You chew on other people's fingernails.

 The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

 You can jump-start your car without cables.

 You don't sweat, you percolate.

 You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

 You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

 People get dizzy just watching you.

 Instant coffee takes too long.

 You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

 You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

 You short out motion detectors.

 You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

 You help your dog chase its tail.

 You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

 Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

 You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 

[Jess from VA]

What are you lookin at?

[Roy]

Going Fishing...    A pun.



Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came
upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the
fishing, which was super.
 
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
 
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
 The other replied, "No, it's not!".
 
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
 
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
 

[Roy]

Wifes new cosmetics...


Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
 
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
 
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
 
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
 
"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.


 
"I haven't added them up yet."







`

[Roy]

What two things make PORN?




*






*





*

[Roy]

Doctor's Office . . .


A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the heck is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. Mrs.Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"



.