H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[..]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.


Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.


The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.


The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.


Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
 

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to women crew members.


The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.


The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

[Jess from VA]

 

[Don07tncav]

A good retirement plan
Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent..

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

.............

And no one even knows his name!

[F6BANGER]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

    As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.  Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.  Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.  "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.  I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me".

 

[Roy]

PARKING PROBLEM...     (Short Pun)



What happened to the frogs car after he parked in the wrong spot?





*







*




 
It was toad.
 
knee slapper... kinda

[Roy]

The only question asked was:

"Please take part in this Survey.
What is your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

 
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

 
3. In most of Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. The rest of Africa doesn't do writing.

 
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

 
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[..]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
 
 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
 
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 
 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
 
 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
 Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
 
 The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Roy]

 

BLONDE GOES INTO A . . .


A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."


The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be
having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral
print.


The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"


The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are
for her computer monitor.


The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not
need curtains!"





*









*






The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"


 

[tank_post142]

Italian cruise ship captain starts new job!!

[Full_Throttle]

I just heard that there has been a new 100M dash world record set of 2.8 seconds!  It was set in January of 2012.

The person who now holds the title of "fastest 100M in the world" is...




.


.



.


.



.



.


.


.


.


.



.

The Costa Concordia cruise ship captain....

[Don07tncav]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

[Roy]

THE SHEIK AND THE SCOTTSMAN . . .


An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.


Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.


After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.


A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.


His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.


After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.


The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.


He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."


To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".



`

[Roy]

No milk in the house for your Mouser's kittens?    nsfw




http://videosift.com/video/Japanese-Woman-breastfeeds-her-pet-cat

[Roy]

BAR CONTEST...


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing \$1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
 
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"
 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the \$1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
 
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS !







`

[Roy]

Dating Ads for seniors:

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring
and moving north.

Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper:


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes
and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you
are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet
times.


WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare
steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get
together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.


MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.






-

[Roy]

18 year old chick . . .


An 18 year old young lady marries a 98 year old man. The old dude is filthy rich. No way can he get me in the sack and all of that wonderful money when he croaks later this year.
 
On their wedding night she goes into the bathroom to freshen up a bit. When she walks out of the bathroom she sees her new husband  sitting on the edge of the bed. On the night stand is a box of condoms, a nose plug, and a couple of cotton balls.
 
With wide eyes she exclaims "I know what the condoms are for but what's with the cotton balls and the nose plug"?
 
His reply????
 



Listen sweetheart, after 98 years if there's two things I can't stand it's the sound of screaming women and the smell of smoking rubber!




---
 

[Roy]

Lena and Ole . . .


Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole
 
and says, 'I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor

and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
 
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A

son! Ain't dat Great! Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the

doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet! ' The

doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a

daughter! ' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by
 
this, and then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done

yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust

had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he

asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
 
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and You
 
vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?' Ole said, 'Yeah,

I do... Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.


---

[Roy]

Longest Nerve in the Body. . .


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
 It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
 
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
 
My public service is done for the day!



- - -

[Roy]

THE CHAUFFEUR . . . . .


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 
'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 



- - -

[Roy]

The polite way to excuse yourself to pee . . .



During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners asked her students the following question:
 
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
 
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
 
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
 
 Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
 
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
 
Johnny said "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
to introduce you to after dinner."
 
The teacher fainted...

Ahhh, ya just gotta love lil Johnny...

[Roy]

The Pecker Poem . . .


My nookie days are over,My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,From my trousers it would spring.But now I've got a full time job,To find the fu----' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,The way it would behave.For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,It sure gives me the blues.To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!!




- - -

[Roy]

Revised 60's Hit Songs . . .


May be a repost?



Revising 60s Hits. . . . .

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:


Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least:

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again!








`

[Jess from VA]

He just wanted to play.  GERONIMO!




Sneezy.



Hey dad, lets play with the shovel.



OK, knock it off!



Cobra cat



French camel



Democrats



Defying gravity

[Roy]

Good vid's !    keepem cumming.

[Roy]

Good News and Bad News . . .


After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'". If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I'm sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we have to give up the Wonder Bread account."





`

[Roy]

Good News and Bad News . . .



After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'". If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I'm sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we have to give up the Wonder Bread account."




`

[Roy]

Only in America . . .


Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


- - -

[KSDragonRider]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD ,
or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose
that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little
girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no
GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't
know crap ?" And then she went back to reading her book.

" Now; that’s funny , right there "

[bigguy]

A Deacon at a church I attended when I was a kid had heard the joke above. He hadn't heard the version my Dad had heard where the guy asks why a bean stalk will grow counter clockwise around a pole south of the equator but clockwise north of the equator. The punch line is, "You don't know bean, but you want to talk about God."
The funny part here was the look on the Deacon's face when Dad started telling his version of the joke to our new preacher. He almost fainted with relief when Dad got to the part about bean stalks.

[Roy]

" Buffalo Theory"

 
A herd of buffalo can only  move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
 hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
 are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
 a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
 group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
 members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.


 Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
 kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
 weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption
 of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
 a faster and more efficient machine!

That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."




- - -

[Roy]

Stewardess / Flight Attendant  ?



Stewardess...or Flight Attendant???

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a Stew in my lap."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says  . . .




*






"Don't forget the coffee".

[Roy]

Blonde Replaces All Her Windows . . .


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a
call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo?   It's been a year!  I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.



- - -

[Roy]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A REDNECK H.M.O.________________________________


10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's





---

[Roy]

THEY WERE BOUND TO START POPPING UP  . . .    ________________________________


They were bound to start popping up . . .



How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?              - On the rocks


What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?          - Leeks


 What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?          - Follow the captain


 When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied . . .

"off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship
.
 
What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.



- - -

[Super Santa]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

He frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

[Roy]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.


As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say ‘hello’?”





- - -

[Roy]

Super Whoopi . . .



On his ninetieth birthday, his friends hired a hooker who advertised super sex or your money back.

She knocked on his door wearing a raincoat and nothing underneath.

When he opened the door, she opened the raincoat and said, “Would you like some super sex?”

Being a little hard of hearing and ninety years old he said, “I guess I’ll have to take the soup.”




- - -

[Roy]

MAKING A BABY...There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. . . . .

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon.

'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning,Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain,'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.''Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well,
that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?''Well that's what my husband
and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat'.After a moment she asked,
blushing, 'Well, where do we start?''Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes
the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.''Bathtub, living
room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!''Well, Ma'am, none of
us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results.''My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.''Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith
quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.'Oh, my God!' Mrs.
Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.'And these twins turned out
exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with.''She was difficult?' asked Mrs.Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to
take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four
and five deep to get a good look ''Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
wide with amazement.'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'Mrs.
Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?''It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.''Tripod ?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to
use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very
long.'   . . . .   Mrs. Smith fainted!


- - -

[Roy]

I said i wanted a rum and coke on the rocks,

not run the boat up on the rocks ! ! !

[Roy]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.


The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." 



- - -