H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

[Roy]

Dogs Welcome ?


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Vacation.

 He wrote: "I would very much like
To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
And very well behaved. Would you be willing
To permit me to keep him in my room at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel
Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never
Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
Had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your
Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay
Here, too."
 

[Roy]

Face Lift . . .


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk
responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

Ever so gently, the old man slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. Methodically, he bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each teat. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against one another.

After enduring several minutes of this old man's inspection, the woman says,'OK, ok, I think you've had enough... Now tell me, how old I am?He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50 years of age.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was standing in line behind you at McDonalds.'
 




- - -

[donaldcc]

 
  thanks Roy!  for the humor.  always good to read a post without rancor, politics, religion etc.

[Roy]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.


I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'


'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.


The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'


Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'


'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.


'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.


Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the
Doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra
nd her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!


'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.




*


'I put drops in her eyes!!

[Roy]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not based on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: “Bubba, it’s like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; ‘I don't know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

[Jack]

Longest Nerve in the Body. . .


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
 It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
 
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
 
My public service is done for the day!



- - -

Years ago, a boss told me I had "optical assinosis" and asked if I knew of the disease.  He then said it was a crappy outlook on my job.  I told him if I had it, he must have given it to me.  He turned beet red, got up, and left.

[Don07tncav]

The little old lady's cat food!
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like #^*@." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

So........... Don't mess with old people.

[Roy]

Old Folks Revenge . . .

       

[Roy]

Discoverys . . .


Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
 

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
 

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
 

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered

[Roy]

Several ways to tell someone their fly is down . . .


The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

You've got Windows in your laptop.


Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore  leave.


Your soldier ain't so unknown now.


You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


Your pod bay door is open.


Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!



Ensign Smythe is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!


The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


Dr. Kimble has escaped!


You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."


You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

 
And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped…
 

I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.


- - -

 

[Jess from VA]

A man reports for his psychiatric counseling wearing nothing but saran wrap shorty-shorts.

The psychiatrist says........... I can clearly see you're (your) nuts.

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

Hearing . . .


A Baptist preacher said, "Anyone with 'a special need' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"



*
 

Tyrone answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[Jess from VA]

 

[Roy]

Israeli dog  VS  Iranian dog . . .



The Israelis and Iranians realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The Iranians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
 



The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its nuclear weapons for good.
 




They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Iranian camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Iranian dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Iranian dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Iranian beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Iranian killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Iranians approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top Russian and Chinese scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator from Louisiana look like a Dachshund."
 

[Roy]

" X "



Dear Algebra,

Stop asking us to find your 'X'!
She's not coming back!

[Don07tncav]

The mistress
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Roy]

Two Atoms Walk into a Bar . . .


One turns to the other and says, “I think I lost an electron!”

The other replies, “Are you sure?”






*








*

 
“Yes, I’m positive.”

[Roy]

Allleee Ooop. . .


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"





- - -

[Roy]

'UPDATED' . . . REDNECK'S MEDICAL DICTIONARY


Artery................................ The study of paintings

 Bacteria............................ Back door to the cafeteria

 Barium............................. What doctors do when patients die

 Benign............................. What you be, after you be eight

 Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome

 Cat scan......................... Searching for Kitty

 Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her

 Colic................................ A sheep dog

 Coma.............................. A punctuation mark

 Dilate................................ To live long

 Enema............................ Not a friend

 Fester............................. Quicker than someone else

 Fibula............................. A small lie

 Impotent.......................... Distinguished, well known

 Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work

 Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane

 Morbid............................ A higher offer

 Nitrates........................... Cheaper than day rates

 Node................................ I knew it

 Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted

 Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis

 Post Operative............... A letter carrier

 Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery

 Rectum........................... Dang near killed him

 Secretion........................ Hiding something

 Seizure........................... Roman emperor

 Tablet............................ A small table

 Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport

 Tumor............................. One plus one more

 Urine............................... Opposite of you're out




- - -

[Roy]

[Roy]

[Roy]

Five cannibals . . .

 
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria
for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other
employees." The cannibals promised to be good.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our
janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others,
"Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors
and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and
eat the janitor.

[Roy]

Repost . . .

World's Worst Date Ever


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake.
 

On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Jay went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
why her tale took the prize!
 

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy met
her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip ( no overnight). They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun
but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon.
 
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle ! of
no where. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there
came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
 

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she
let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking! All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued
against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.
 
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply
that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater.
Then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the
icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in
the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get
her free.
 

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down. ...And you thought your
first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.




- - -

[Roy]

[Roy]

An hour of Pleasure . . .


The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"



A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"




- - -

[Roy]

Psychiatrists VS Bartenders



EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'
'One Hundred and Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, One Hundred and Eighty Dollars a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new Car!'

'Is that so!'

With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[Roy]

Italian Wedding Test. . .


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my soon to be father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your prophylactics in your car.





- - -

[Roy]

Parish Priest is Retiring . . .


    A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

    However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

    I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

    Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

    I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

    Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!




- - -

[Moonshot_1]

Man goes to the doctor with a terrible infection in his foot after stepping on a nail.

The doctor takes a look and says "We can clear this right up. Have you ever had penicillin before?"

The man says "Yeah, last year. Had a cut on a finger get infected."

So the doc gets a syringe and injects a dose.

Almost immediately, the man has a toxic allergic reaction, gets really puffy, can't breathe, and has convulsions. He's rushed to the hospital, goes into cardiac arrest and is brought back but is in a coma.

Two days later he comes out of the coma and the doctor is there. The doctor is just beside himself and tells the man "I'm so sorry. You had one of the worst allergic reactions to penicillin I've ever seen. I could have sworn you said that you had penicillin before."

The man says "Yeah I did, and the same thing happened last time too."

[Roy]

[Roy]

How to grow larger vegtables. . .


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
 to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
 she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most
 beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
 

The woman asked the gentlemen,
 "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
 

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
 of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
 

My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
 

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
 doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
 it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
 flashed her garden hoping for the best.
 
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
 "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 No", she replied,
 .
 .
 .
 

"but my cucumbers are enormous."




- - -

[Roy]

French Citroen skinny car with side mc.

[Fathertime]

????

[Roy]

Deer Hunting


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
 
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry






- - -

[Roy]

" Life is not like a box of chocolates,
 
it's more like a jar of Jalapeno's.


What you do today can burn your ass tomorrow!"

[Roy]

I was in a pub last night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?".

One of them screamed "It's WALES you idiot !"


So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

[Jess from VA]

OMG   

[bigguy]

I was in a pub last night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?".

One of them screamed "It's WALES you idiot !"


So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Funeral services to be held Thursday.