H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

 :cooldude      

Wow!  That was new and refreshing!  Keepem  coming.

[Roy]

God, golfing and Lightning



One day a priest and a nun were out golfing. The nun was doing well and being calm and collected even when she missed par for a hole. The priest however was not doing well and was swearing up a storm.

After the fifth hole the priest again went over par and shouted "god damn it I missed!" The nun quickly hushed him and said "Father if you continue to speak like that god will strike you dead"

So the two continue golfing and the priest continues to swear and shout "God damn it I missed".

Finally on the final hole the priest again goes over par and again shouts "God damn it I...." and

before he could finish a huge thunder clap follows a lightning bolt that strikes the nun dead and a

deep rumbling voice comes from the clouds and says "Damn it I missed...."

[Roy]

Sex And Good Grammar



For all my grammatically correct friends.

 
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

 The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

 to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

 The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

 When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

 The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,

 "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
 took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

 When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

 His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we

 
could end up with a dangling participle.

[Roy]

I thought we were taking the Caddy to Arizona?

[Roy]

Four by Twos



Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..

[Roy]

For the Flowers



Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
 


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
 


'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!

[Roy]

Golf shot . . .


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[Roy]

[Roy]

What makes 100% ?




What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
 
How about achieving 103%?
 
But what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
 
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
 Are represented as:
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
 
Then:
 H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

[Roy]

MALE / FEMALE CONTROL ISSUE


Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
 
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

 
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[Roy]

[Super Santa]

Now that is very cold, and SCARY.

[Roy]

About as cold and scary as the current MEDICARE program which I just started..

[Jess from VA]

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

[Roy]

A   real   TREE HOUSE





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[Roy]

[Roy]

Two women talking in Heaven...



SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

[Roy]

Very Powerful Words



A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[Roy]

Doctors Visit



Doctor, to a lady, during her examination, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
 
Lady started taking off her clothes . . .
 
Doctor, stopping her, "No! No! Please put your clothes back on. JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!"

[GreenLantern57]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Why some men prefer Dogs over Women...



Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...




1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.







2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another Dog's name.







3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.







4.. A Dog's Parents never visit.








5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.







6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.








7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.








8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.








9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask... "If I died, would you get another Dog?"










10. If a Dog has babies, you can legally put an ad in the paper and give them away.








11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.








12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.








13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.




And last, but not least:




14. If a Dog leaves, it won't take over half of your stuff.



To test this theory:

Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[Roy]

B A L L S



1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
 
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And.....
 
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles

[Roy]

CONVERSION . .



 Each Friday night after work ole Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak right out of the meat supply in his freezer.
 
Most all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And when Lent occurred every spring, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. Well, during Lent the delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks caused such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
 
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and after a few minutes he suggested that Bubba become a Catholic. Bubba thought that was a wonderful idea. And after many classes and much study, Bubba attended his first Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

 Bubba's neighbors were greatly impressed and relieved by Bubba's conversion......... until the first Friday night of Lent arrived. The wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the entire neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the disgruntled neighbors, and as the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, the Priest stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Roy]

COWBOY  JOKE

[Roy]

They say drinking milk makes you stronger.

So I drank 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall...didn't work.

So, I got mad and drank 5 glasses of vodka and guess what happened...the wall moved all by itself! AMAZING!

[Roy]

IRISH MIRROR






After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
 
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
 
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
 
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
 
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
 
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly wench
he's running around with.'
 

[Roy]

What Doctor's really think of our new National Health Program. . .




 Doctors reveal their true feelings about National Health Care at the latest AMA meeting:


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT(Eye, Ear, Nose & Throat) specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it. The

Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the *******s in Washington!

[Roy]

70 year young Biker...



The banker saw his old friend Tom, a seventy year old biker, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, thought that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an seventy year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on his property, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a great idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker saw Tom in town and said 'How's the new wife?'

Tom proudly said, 'Excellent - she's pregnant!'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too!'

Never underestimate old guys! They will surprise you every time!

[Desert Valk]

I need a compliment



Walked by the neighbors house last night and realized my 72 yr old neighbor was upset. I asked "George, what is wrong?"

George said that he was in real trouble with his wife Mabel.

He proceeded to explain that today was Mabel's 71st birthday and he met her this morning as she was coming out of the shower. He said she was standing bare naked in front of the mirror crying and sobbing.

He asked her, "what is wrong dear?"

She said "I'm ugly, I'm fat and I'm wrinkly all over and I need a compliment from you right now!

George said he did not hesitate.

"Dear, your eyesight is darn near perfect!

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.




Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!



The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'


Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Roy]

WALMART's own brand of Wine. . .



WalMart announced that sometime in 2012 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce wines at affordable prices in the $1 to $4 range.


Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a can or carton of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at The University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names, in order of popularity, were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).

[Roy]

A few Lawyer Jokes . . .



What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
Pronunciation.

What can you say about 1300 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker. The other is a fish.

Do you know what's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else thinks they're not jokes.

[Roy]

[Roy]

Family Planning..

(European joke)


Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

“Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Myrna from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

[Roy]

New Teacher . . .



A former SEAL, having served his time with the Military, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.
 
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
 
The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former SEAL, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
 
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
 
There was dead silence.
He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[Don07tncav]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at
her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Roy]

Irish Army can't be beat . . .






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[Roy]

BUMPER STICKER OF THE MONTH


Not funny, but so true.


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