H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

It's been so Hot that . . .



.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
 .....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
 .....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
 .....you can make sun tea instantly.
 .....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
 .....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
 .....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
 .....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 .....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
 .....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.

 .....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and     end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?


 .....you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


 .....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.


 .....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

 .....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.`
 

`

[Roy]

GOOD RAINY MORNING SEATTLE..



`












`

[Roy]

Viking style divorce . . .



http://www.youtube.com/embed/K-MmIt2ogqc








`

[bigguy]

What's the name of that movie? I've never seen it, but would like to.

[Roy]

Hey Big Guy!

That's from "The Vikings", an older movie but still good with Kirk Douglas.  Saw it in the year it came out and still like it.

 

[Roy]

`









`

[Roy]

`













`

[Roy]

Stopped in a local Truck Stop for a cup of Joe and was surprised at their popular new flavor . . .
Maple Bacon.



`










`

[bigguy]

PUBLIC SERVICE NOTICE.

Posting as a public service, this article from May 1955 Housekeeping Monthly Magazine.

[Roy]

`



Your Starship Enterprise Captain might be a redneck if....


Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
 
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
 

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
 
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
 
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
 
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
 
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
 
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
 
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
 
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
 
He paints the starship John Deere green
 
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
 
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
 
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
 
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge


He  sets phaser to "Cajun"





`
__________________

[Roy]

I miss Chicago . . .



I was in Asheville North Carolina ....and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I Miss Chicago'.



So I smashed a window, stole the radio and left a note that read, 'I hope this helps'………………………





`

[Roy]

Oh Dad!\










`

[Roy]

Drink with Moderation
















`

[Roy]

`



Don't Mix Your Over the Counter Meds . . .


Getting old is hard at times. Yesterday, I got Preparation H mixed up with Poli-grip. Now I talk like an @sshold, but my gums don't itch!


`






`

[Roy]

`
Beer Cap . . .















`

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Better than Barb Wire. . .














`

[Roy]

Education disconnect . . .



A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how to do it."

[Roy]

`











`

[Roy]

`












`

[Roy]

Top drawerBoobitrapped



*






*











`

[Roy]

French girl . . .


How does a French girl hold her liquor?


By his ears.







`
 

[Roy]

`









`

[GreenLantern57]

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,

"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says,


"Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"

He replies,









"Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[Roy]

Sam Elliot on slow Law Enforcement response...



*
















`

[Roy]

Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies...



A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.


 He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.   

 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

 

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.   

 

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.   

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?   

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

 

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.


 

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.





`

[Roy]

St. Bernard at the Vet...



Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."







`

[bigguy]

Posting on humor thread. Not sure it's funny though.

[jer0177]

Do transformers buy car insurance or life insurance?

[Roy]

OLE AN SVEN . . .




Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks,
 and go to Hell. The devil observes that they are really enjoying
 themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?'
 Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesooota, da land
 of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little
 bit, ya know.'

 The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns
 up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
 Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
 Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims,
 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
 yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much
 varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish
 fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

 The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally
 he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they
 have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the
 heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below
 zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so
 bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The
 devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there
 and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They
 are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.


 The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
 heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy.
 What is wrong with you two?'


 They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
 know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
 Bowl.'`

[Roy]

`



Viagra shipment stollen.!



*






*



Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.







`

[Roy]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:




`
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.







`

[Roy]

Old Irwin was sick and in the Hospital...



There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talkto him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
’And how are we doing this morning',

or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'

Old Irwin had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Jim took the apple juice off the
breakfast tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next time he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing,
well, you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked
up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

At this, Old Irwin snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying,
'Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted..

[Roy]

LIVING IN THE 21st CENTURY...



I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' my son said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...







`

[Roy]

Why so many Middle Easterners are Terrorists...



Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists  are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork  chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes

- Diapers for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

-More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You cook over burning camel dung

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

They tell you from your childhood that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no kidding Sherlock!....

It's not like it could get much worse .







`

[Roy]

`











`

[Roy]

IGNORANCE IS BLISS...



My wife left a note on the fridge saying,
'It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at Mum's for a while.'
I opened it, the light came on fine and the beers were ice cold.
I have no idea what she was going on about.





`

[Roy]

Universal Shampoo sometimes referred to as Catholic Shampoo...



Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. he then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house











`

[Roy]

`

Paddy again...



Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
 


'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere?









`

[Roy]

New international sign for LMAO...












`