I need a new job....

[fordmano]

I have not lost my current job BUT I would be ok if I did.
Just tired of the stress and strain.

Anyone in North East Texas area know of any I.T. type jobs open? Or even maybe central Texas or western LA.

I know this probably sounds silly to most anyone that reads it but I am almost 50 and it is time for HUGE changes in my life before I drop dead from Heart attack or a stroke.
I want to move away from Kalifornistan and all the bullshit of big city living, My wife on the other hand does NOT want to move.

We both have pretty good paying jobs with excellent benefits but both of us have horrible bosses and upper management and HR won't (or can't) fix the issues. We have just about 2 years left on mortgage  with a zillow value of about $485K we only owe less than another $80K or so all in toll house 2nd and CC's. current house probably could use $20k-25K of improvements and repairs for maximum value from a sale.
We have been married just over 30 years we have 2 boys together, both of which are supposed to be on meds for ADHD (which they don't take) both are highly intelligent older boy is almost 23 and part time student in JR college with a very "part time" job as a stage hand for a theater company. Younger boy is 17 and Senior in High school(not gonna graduate, failing badly). The 23y/o has no desire to leave momma, the 17y/o has no desire to stay in Kaliforinistan. Wife's father passed last July 4th and she is very close to her Mother and she only lives 4 streets away from our house.

I am hanging my heart out on my sleeve, don't really know why I am sharing this info just need to vent and I am so tired of working weekends and having to work alone Friday and Saturday nights every week for an undetermined amount of time.... I have been told maybe a few months and that has been a few months now and looks like it will be another 2+ months minimum. My wife and I have not been living like a typical white-bread America couple for almost 10 years now, yes we are still married and no plans or thought of changing that. That is part of my stress since she has told me go ahead move just remember where to send your checks,,,,,,, She has put my health and happiness in between her career she recently told me she would not quit her job for me and especially not to move to Texas.... where I can be near my side of our family...

The only riding I seem to get to do is riding to and from work at least I don't have to normally deal with heavy commute traffic since I work night and live in opposite commute direction anyway at night.


 I guess I am really lonely and somewhat depressed, no worries of me doing anything bad to myself or anyone else. so lets not go there with this conversation.

Thanks,
Matt

[jimmytee]

I feel ya.. Maybe you can just hang on for a little while longer and things may open up. I don't know you other than form your posts here, but sounds like you and your wife need some heart to heart talk, maybe with a third party like a pastor or counselor involved. I think we all have our moments of " I need a change" It sometimes seems like a daily occurrence.    However, I also have to keep a grip on reality, which for me is sometimes pretty hard. It helps me to make a list of all the things I am grateful for. No, it won't change your situation, but may help to put the "bad" in perspective .
Best wishes, friend and hope things get better or an answer to how to make them better comes your way.

[Oss]

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies (Outlaw Josie Wales)

is     DYIN AINT MUCH OF A LIVING

You chose your line of work hopefully because you do enjoy it

Find a headhunter and see what comes up

You just have to Make the time to do what you want as time will pass.....
and your opportunities pass with it

Get on a damn plane on friday and leave on Sunday for home if you wanna come

It really is not the money its your head

just my 2cents and its worth what you paid for it

[hubcapsc]

If you can, look at it as a temporary burden that Jesus can and will
help you get through... ride on his shoulders, look for guidance that
helps you through each day in His book, and keep on taking care
of business.

Something that might help in addition, or instead if needed... you're
on the left coast, and your mortgage is low... seek out work in
"the open source" community... work somewhere they put you to
work on open source projects and send you to Usenix and Linux
Foundation meetings... low stress, look forward to going to work,
maybe at 50, though, you might not work up to high pay, that's
why its good your mortgage is low and your wife works...

-Mike

[The emperor has no clothes]

I think the advice you've gotten from the rest of the guys is good . The only thing I would add is ; it is normal at your age to think there are better things out there. The old adage still applies "The grass isn't always greener on the other side". Best wishes.

[Hook#3287]

Man, takes a lot of guts to put this here.

Sounds like your taking the first step to getting right. Realization, admission there's a problem.

IMHO, your only real responsibility is to get your 17 yr old graduated and sent in the right direction, for him. His direction, no one else's.

Everyone else is an adult and can fend for themselves.

Before anyone, can make anyone else happy, they have to get right first.

Hang in there and best wishes.

[Strider]

Ditto to what everyone has said - Brother Mike had a great idea as well.

Perhaps meditatively check out: Philippians 4:6-9.

Click on the youtube link in my autosignature below for a great piece by Sanctus Real - whom I really dig.  Fits right in here - and how I get through the day...........

Remember that three things will last forever -  all we need is FAITH, HOPE and LOVE and the greatest of these is LOVE. (Check out 1 Corinthians 13:13 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Hang in there brother - we will not be given more burden than we can handle.......

[old2soon]

My job hate showed up about a year and a half before I retired. Wife forced the issue somewhat by wanting another guy she met online!  Are there openings in your field close to where you reside? If your bosses are making your life miserable and you can't get it resolved-squeaky wheel-then rather than continue to put your health at risk a change is needed-BUT DO NOT go from bad to bad or bad to worse. Sounds like the wife is adamant on staying in Ca. and for that I have no answer. A 3d party discussion MIGHT help but I've learned one valuable lesson from my 2 marriages-when the wife's mind is made up YOU better get used to the idea.  RIDE SAFE.

[BF]

Sounds like your wife cares more about your paycheck than you.

Sit your wife down and tell her exactly what you've told us...that if you don't make some changes in your life, that it's gonna kill you.  

If she won't listen, then it sounds like she really doesn't care what happens to you.  

Then again, it could be that she's just terrified of change.  

You need to find out which is the case....she's scared to change for you, or she just likes your paycheck better than you. 

Then, you'll know which road to take.

Perhaps you need to consult a lawyer, cut your ties now while you're still fairly young (and before your head explodes from the stress) and get the hell out.

It's not worth killing yourself over.....and trust me, stress, whether mental or physical, can wreck havoc on your body.  Stress is a killer.  It can cause cancer.  Stress is nothing to blow off.    

You can find another wife....although, I'd suggest to get a dog instead.  They're more loyal and they're always happy to see you when you come home.  

If you don't believe me, put your wife and a dog in the trunk of your car and then go for a ride.  Stop after awhile and open the trunk and see which one is happy to see you.  

[Chrome]

Hey Matt  Just Leave.
 Your job sucks ,you are not living as man and wife, kids are old enough to understand. You have enough to split up and live happy in Texas. Find someone who can value you for who you are. Sometimes its not worth the bullshit.
 Just leave.
Adrian

[kybigmac]

Maybe things will be better in your next life! Oh wait you only get one.  Hmmm

[Valkjerk]

Matt, depression is a terrible thing and easy to get mired in. I think most of us on this board have at least one or two serious problems going on in our lives but I learned the art of self imposed positive thinking. That is.....don't focus your thoughts on your misery but instead sit down and compile a list of the things in your life that you can be grateful for. Dwell on that list and keep it foremost in your thoughts as you go about your day. When you encounter the bad aspects (boss, errant sons, wife etc.) process those thoughts and grin to yourself that you refuse to let these folks dictate your mood and responses. I don't profess to be a head doctor or anything of that nature. I just want you to understand that this is how I deal with adversity and hope you can be grateful that you aren't battling cancer or some other major medical malfunction (reference BF's post). Are you? Believe me, it can always be worse, much worse.

[pago cruiser]

Dang.
I think we all get there sooner or later; members of the "Life sucks, and then you die" mindset.  
Work does indeed suck sometimes; balance is awfully hard to maintain, as it seems some situations conspire to steal your time, and your life away, one weekend at a time.  It seems to get harder as we have less weekends in front of us than behind us... And if you are in the corporate dog eat dog world, no one but you will care.

Suggest to get on some job boards.  You can do it anonymously, but there are several sites that will send you job openings from anywhere in the country you choose as an area.  IT is always in demand.  You can also set up a private email account and have hits sent to that, if you are ...unsure... of the situation on a shared computer at home.

I would not know what to do with the kids.  Some of my brothers/sisters kids are going to college, and others are deadbeats on the dole...  Wifey and I chose 30 years ago to take a different path; but the results of child rearing appears to be totally outside of anyone's intent or control.  I do not envy your position.  

Enjoy the bike - I find it helps me cope with work stress.  I commute 50 miles each way to work, and its is literally the best part of each day...  I take at least a long trip each month for work, which is a godsend when work gets too nuts... just you, the bike, and the road.  

We just watched a movie the other night - Hector and the Search for Happiness.  Some of the reviewers called it trite and simplistic, but wifey and I found it enjoyable, educational at times, and it resulted in some good conversations we would not have otherwise had; also some great one-liners in there.  I relish items that get me thinking in different directions.  

I have a friend who lived for 20 years with a selfish crap wife (including affairs), crap job, trouble- prone ingrate kids.  We would talk a couple times a year, as he and I moved to different coasts a long time ago.  One day I called him, and he was just ...gone; cell phone cancelled, email address closed.    He quit work, wrote a check to pay off the house, gave it to the wife (along with divorce papers), and walked out the door with nothing but his hands in his pockets, a 10 year old car, and a couple credit cards.  Was incommunicado for about 6 months when he finally called me.  He had been conversing in an "errant child" forum for several years, and met a gal whom he eventually married.  He's now happier than a pig in sh!t...   His biggest lament? "Why did I wait so long."  A ballsy move on his part at 55 years old, but I believe his "oddly-appearing-when-you-are-not-in-it" life-change literally saved his own life.  This remains one of the oddest stories I have had 1st hand knowledge of...

IMHO, bottom line, no one cares as much about your well being as you.  Think it through; what you have, and what you need; and either live with it, or effect change.  My departed dad had a saying: "It's your choice to go through the sh!t, or around the sh!t."  As other posters have indicated, hang in there...  

[Mr Whiskey]

Brother, you gotta get some "down time" a.s.a.p.! Sounds like you're in desperate need of some WIND!
Got any vacation time? You gotta escape! Say ya got Family in Tx?
Roll out man! It aint gotta be permanent, or life changing, you jus' gotta go somewhere & decompress!
Only way you're gonna get you head right is to air it out! Ride Brother, Ride! Doesn't matter where. Pick someplace from your "bucket list", grab a pocket full a cash, a tank full a gas, a good breakfast, & roll out!
God Bless you & keep you my Brother! I wanna see ya in the wind somewhere down the road!

[Jess from VA]

Matt, I went through about the identical thing you are going through at work (and home), except my wife hit the menopause and decided to hate my guts and wanted to fight as soon as I got home from the job I had grown to hate (and as often as possible when we were in the same location anywhere).  We had had over 20 of pretty much great marriage, and I wanted and tried to save it, but did not realize she had decided to destroy it and leave (but didn't tell me for two years while she made her plans and saved up to leave)(we both worked good paying jobs).  

The micromanagement at work got so bad, you had to spend a couple hours daily dealing with it, and then they wanted to (were required to) humiliate you when you got behind in weekly quotas that were very demanding.  I was very good at my job, made all promotions on time or ahead of time, had a drawer full of superior performance awards, and they made my life a living hell anyway.  When I started dreaming about how pleasant it would be to hurt some people at work, I knew I had to get out of there.

I prayed for death for two years (but would not pull the trigger as that is a coward's way out, and how can you do that to your mother?).  Finally she announced her intent to leave, and by then I fully agreed she should leave, and the only issue was how much of MY money do you have to have to leave (and take any STUFF) you want.  We agreed on a price that was pretty painful but probably less than if we fought it out in court, so I cashed out and paid her off and she left.  I'm a lawyer, but I hired the best female Mormon divorce lawyer in town (cause when you represent yourself, you have a fool for a client).  We had no contest in court, we worked it all out between us, and my lawyer put it in 17 pages of bulletproof writing (for more than I would have liked to pay, but less than a full fight by many thousands).  Problem #1 solved.  

After doing my homework, four months later I retired from work four years early (26) and took about a 33% cut in pension to do it.  (But part of the deal was she sign off on any survivor's pension benefit, so at least it wasn't cut even more by that).  To get her name off the house and to be able to live on an 80% pay cut, I pushed out the remaining debt on the mortgage (less than yours) out on a new 30 year mortgage, and that cut my payment in half, and was the last piece of the puzzle to live on a pauper's pension. Problem #2 solved.

I like BF's (Bruce's) advice above.  

You must (always) separate your problems into bite sized (more manageable) pieces.... even though they have to fit and work together.  If you try to solve it all at once, you can't, and go crazy.  You have a work problem, and maybe a marriage problem, and probably a finance problem intertwined with both work and marriage.  

You are too young to retire, you must keep working, and must either get things changed at your job, or get another job (but you cannot quit until you have that other job).  If your marriage will continue, you probably have to stay in CA, for now.  You don't have to move to make things better for yourself (and yes, I'd rather be in TX than CA, but this does not look like a short term solution).

You have a great big equity, so if you decide to spit, you sell and spit it in half (probably no way she can buy you out, don't even go there for any promise to pay, you either get cash in hand or you sell outright).  If you decide to split, and sell, you clean it up and fix anything absolutely necessary, but don't spend a dime you don't have to, even if you take a hit in sales price.  From the moment you decide to spit, you save every penny possible and immediately cut every possible expense (and cancel all joint bank accounts, CCs, etc to remove any possible retribution debts being created) (there's more).

Even if you don't really want to spit, you can get a pretty good idea of how the wife truly feels about your marriage simply by bringing it up as a (calm-polite) what-if topic of discussion.  It would also let her know how really unhappy you are with your job and your life.  How she answers and discusses this subject can tell you quite a bit, and help you make informed decisions.  On the other hand, if you really do want to split, it may be best to keep her in the dark while you work out your strategy and plans with your plaintiff's attorney.  All's fair buddy.  When it's time for a divorce, it's time to forget all emotional issues (which do nothing for common sense), and treat it like all business.  

Sometimes it can help greatly to simply talk these things out with a trustworthy friend.  If not, you go to pad and paper, and begin outlining out your major issues, with lists of sub-issues, pro and con, for each.  Double/triple space your outline, so as you return to it, you can make changes and corrections as you revisit it.  What must I get, what would I like to get? What are my priorities in life? This is an excellent way to organize yourself, and to try to make sense out of chaos, and it helped me to get the occasional decent night's sleep.  Obviously, this work cannot be left out for anyone else to read.

I would be happy to listen and talk about this with you; I've been through it personally, and did about 300 divorces in my time (and advised hundreds more).  If you want to talk, just send me a phone number on a forum message, or better yet on my email on my profile here (and tell me when is the best time to call).  Talking is better than typing, at least for me.

While suffering, try to (make yourself) get a little exercise, decent food, and decent sleep.  During my two years of hell, I did poorly on these things, and bad health only makes a bad head worse.

Sorry for the book.

[Valkjerk]

Wow Jess, that was lengthy but excellent. Matt, as you can see from this thread, Valkyrie brothers are here to help if we can. It takes quite a while to type a response such as Jess has done and illustrates my point. Get in touch with Jess and get a plan.

[Robert]

Sorry to hear about the troubles and its tough without someone to care next to you. Alot of great advice here. Have you talked to your wife and said that the lack of caring is getting to you? Maybe if you tell her the way you want it to go you guys could work it out. Maybe a marriage counselor could help. Sometimes there is no hope because there is no compromise. Better to find out now than later you could be having this at 65 which would really suck. There is someone for everyone and sometimes we change in life and find out what was important early is not whats important now. I have had a couple of real changes in my life and I can say while I enjoyed what I had I am enjoying life now. Different is not always bad sometimes its good. I know many in very similar situations. Sometimes we take for granted what we have, sometimes we think we want something different than what we have. Your wife probably does not want to leave her mother either so maybe a deal could be reached where she could move too. I would start to do something anything that would move to a change in circumstances. Sometimes something even temporary can change a attitude so you feel better and maybe see things a little different. How about starting your own IT company nothing helps the doldrums like starting your own company. I will pray for you and your situation also, that is the only way that me and my wife have managed to make in all this time.

[Quicksilver]

Take off for a month, go visit family, tell your employer you have no choice, quit if you must and they will rehire you when you get back or not. Sounds like you need a serious break, don't make any major decisions until you get rested. Everything else will still be there when you return, your view of it may have changed though.
Good luck.

[BF]

Taking some sort of respite before you do anything is probably pretty good advice.

Regardless, please post back and let us know how you're doing.

[Serk]

I can't address the emotional side of your query, but from the practical side -

I'm in North Texas (Dallas area). Friend of mine does Wintel sysadmin stuff, and had fallen on hard times... As in I carried him outta a drug house a few months back, cleaned him up, gave him a place to dry out, and 3 weeks later he had 3 offers for jobs making $75k+.

So yeah, the job market for IT in this area is pretty good.

As I said though, don't know if I'm being helpful by telling you this, but you asked...

(Oh, and housing costs a WHOLE lot less here too.)

[cookiedough]

Has your boss always been this horrible? 

If only for the past 3 months or so, why the difference in your boss now?

I stuck out a new job for 5 miserable months, leaving a decent, but boring job, in hopes of bettering myself.   The psycho, crazy bitch boss at the new job was a micro-manager and seeing a psychiatrist for her emotional issues - crazy lady syndrome.  I hated her guts she was so nit picky and psycho and I will never meet another boss like that in my entire life for sure. 

If it comes down to it,  you have to quit like I did even if no job lined up,  for I was loosing weight NOT eating for months and every morning going into work I was literally throwing up I hated going in it was that bad EVERY single day.  My health was failing, so as a last resort,  I had to quit or like you in the near future,  you could die of a heart attack from stress.   Even if it means NO job when you quit ya gotta do it down the road.

In the meantime,  call up some agencies (even temp agencies) and network in the area for an IT job and sign up for some websites to email you like monster and indeed and tons of other websites to send you jobs in the IT field. 

Sounds like you can get by with 1 income if need be.  If wife doesn't understand, piss on her.  She should understand if she sees how miserable you are if she even cares which she should.  I'd try to stick it out for another year if you can until your younger child is thru high school and hopefully point him in the right direction after that.   Hopefully by then,  your job changes or your boss gets better.   Then,  as a last resort,  move back home to family and friends and if you have to stay at a relatives house or friends house back home for 1 year or less,  you should hopefully find an IT job by then. 

Good luck, I know it sucks and probably a lot of us have gone thru a similar job problem as what you are going thru. 

I wish I had a crystal ball and steer you in the right direction, but if life gives you lemons,  try to make lemonade. 

Try not to drink to excess like I did as well for awhile having a few too many after that miserable job. 

Hang in there!   

[fordmano]

OK, lets get this back on track.

I apologize to any and all they may have taken what I said as any sign or possibility of me leaving my wife.
You may or may not agree but I signed up for the long haul through sickness and health for richer and poorer till death do we part. I am still completely in love (physically and spiritually) with my wife and if it has to be then I will die where I stand taking care of her and my boys to the best of my mental and physical ability.

I know some obviously don't agree with that type of attitude and this venture will probably kill me at some point but Either my wife will tend to my burial service or I will tend to hers.

OK let me back up a little bit and also try to answer a few questions that were raised in all of this.

My wife and I were both born and raised here in CA. my mother is the only parent between us that was born in CA. My Father is from, TX, her dad is from MO. her mom is from MN. only her mother is still alive.
We met around 9-10 years old through both of our families involvement in Boy Scouts and cub scouts, we didn't date until she was a senior in high-school and she is a year older than myself and one school grade older. We where married when she was 19 and I was 18

I have been at my work (unnamed University) for over 9 years now, they offer no pension but they match 403B at 1.5% up to 5% so I put in 4% and get 5% free, the pay is almost appropriate for my title according to online sources but I am tired of the work mostly the days of the week and the hours alone every week with the entire responsibility of the University and hospital and all the associated clinics (now many across the country and satellite facilities for video conferencing locations in a few other countries. I have to be able to log into 73 different systems. University owns some 45,000+ phone numbers we monitor all of them I wont spend any more time with actual duties of this job.
The new boss started last year January and we had 14 very loyal employees he being one of them he has wiggled his way up the ladder now to Manager and I really hate this part but the squeaky wheel gets the grease I apologize and please don't take offense but he has pulled the race card at least once I know of along his way up I believe the university is afraid he will pull it again is part of the problem.
For  side note anyone which is almost all of you that don't know me I am Caucasian and I was mainly raised from the age of around 2ish until early teens by a black family who I still to this day call family even though the parents of said family have long passed but their children still treat me as family and they still live in our neighborhood matter of fact directly behind my Mother-In-Laws house.  And Mr. Jones ( his real name) Always hated with a passion anyone that would use that type of tactics to get what they want. He taught me you earn respect you can't take it! End of that story.
So anyway this new boss who was one of us (HR lady admitted to me she did not understand how he got the job since he is a horrible manager and has no managerial training or skills.) He has managed to chase out from an original group of 14,,,,, 2 directly quit one moved to a different department, another one managed to get a year temp position with another group working on specific project, 3 are still currently on long term disability due to stress related health issues and one has a law suite again him personally and also the University 1 person has now planned to take retirement I was out for stress and anxiety for over a month and have managed to burn through all almost 200 hours of sick leave in just over a year.
Now with all of that he is a micro-manager that is a narcissist(spelling) and focus on only the bad and forgets the good about anyone that has stood against him in any ways he plays favorites and has not let go of the issues although calls me out on it all the time saying that is way I don't do my work properly. The annual review he gave me last year is the worst I have ever had in all of my years working he specifically said I was NOT qualified to do my job yet I have to work alone at least 2 nights a week... Hmm wonder how I ever do my job and what I have been doing for the last 8 years?
Yes all of this has been argued with HR and they still say he is within his rights and they are now having him go through manger training,,, WTF! There is no way I will ever make it another 8-9 years when I am eligible to retire with medical benefits working like this.


Now onto the wife's work, she works as an Executive administrator to the Assistant Superintendent of Education at a local school district. ( I Know big title right) She gets the same medical for retirement but she also gets a union pension but they do not mach any investments. she has been there I believe 14 years now 2 years ago her new boss started and was a female version of my boss other than she is white so no race card pulling possibility there. Anyways, I told the wife after months of her coming home crying almost every day she needed to either quit or get it fixed, well things have sort of smoothed out mostly on her job but every once in a while her boss flips out and go on a rampage and HR has to step in and get her back inline but that can take a few days and I have to deal with the fall out at home. So i have always told her she does not need to ask or let me know till she gets home if she decides to just walk away from this job just do it if that is what you need we will make due and deal with whatever we have to.

Both my sister (older than I) live with their families in TX. and I only see them if I am luck every 3-5 years except when my Father was sick after his stroke up till his death a few years back now. I spent my summers in TX every year as a child up till I was 17 and I love TEXAS and I miss my side of the family all my cousins and aunts all live there or in OK or LA. I long for my family and a slower pace of life.

My shift is almost over so I will finish up here a bit and get back at y'all later
Oh by the way I did have my own IT company for 5+ years very very small only a couple contracts but I was rolling in the $100+ to $130K a year (take home)range and wife got tired of worrying about taxes and such so when I lost my primary contract due to a "Lying FTARD" new young employee at that place they cut me. I found this current gig from the CEO of the last big contract had a friend here at the University that was starting this new department and here I am he hired before I ever interviewed since then working this shift and this job I have lost almost all of my real hands on IT support skills.


Thanks again for all your shoulders to cry on and ears to bend appreciate the brotherhood.

Thanks,
Matt

[The emperor has no clothes]

I'm glad you clarified the situation with your wife  . Just keep in mind that your wife is NOT going to move away from her elder Mom or possibly her grown kids if they stay in CA. Now you just have to fix your work situation. Not going to be easy but much simpler than the other stuff all combined. Best wishes to you. I have confidence you are going to figure a way out of the job or make it work.

[Jess from VA]

Well Matt, I am glad it is only job related. That was unclear in your OP.  I meant no offense. You sounded pretty desperate, and I was only trying to help. (In my personal situation, it was both of our long hour, high stress, decades long, terrible commute, monotonous jobs and life that was the single biggest contributor to our marriage failure.)  

You would seem to have little to lose (but time) to look elsewhere for work, in a field that should always have lots of jobs, esp where you live.  A moderate pay cut (to start) should not be out of the question to get a better life.

In your present work situation, it would seem you could take two approaches.  One, to take a course of keeping your head down, treading lightly, offering no complaint or criticism, doing your job the best you can and weathering the storm.  Or you decide to try and use your HR system the best you can to improve your situation.  But you have to become expert in how HR works, with all the minutia of detail and record keeping and formal complaints (but clearly this plan has more risk to you, and will put you under the microscope).  There is both the potential to improve your position, or make it worse than ever.

I had my share of working for persons promoted to their level of inefficiency for reasons other than their actual ability to read and write and do the job itself (not only were they not top job performers, they simply had no ability to lead a group of people toward mission goals).  These people are invariably self conscious, overly sensitive, and distrustful of others.  When their own performance as managers is inevitably questioned, they tend to put on a good offense and be (officially or unofficially) critical of those they manage, to put them on the defensive, and to put them in their place.  Since they are in reality poor and ineffective managers/leaders, at least they can be seen to be doing something right by enforcing minutia-of-detail work requirements, writing their people up, and giving them less than stellar performance appraisals.  It is an old story.

Something that can work (or at least help) in such situations, is to ask for a meeting with him.  Your goal in such meeting is to better your life at work, and better your relationship with him.  Even though you'd like to, you are not going in there to air your grievances or anything else that puts him on the defensive or makes him dislike or distrust you any more than he already does. Instead, you go into that meeting with the sole purpose of making your relationship with him better, making him trust you more, making him feel you will support him fully.

You want to put any past hard feelings behind you, and move on in an upbeat and positive way.  You tell him you want to do better at work and in your job, and can use all the help he will give you.  You recognize there are some chronic problems facing your department, and you want to work with him to solve those problems (and maybe you have an idea or two, so long as none of your ideas conflicts with his).  You want to do anything you can to make HIS job easier.  In short, you are going in there to kiss ass and make up (but that is only part of it, you really do want a better working relationship with him). But you cannot make it obviously insincere or unbelievable in any way.  And obviously if this is way out of character for you, you probably have to work up to it.  And you must follow through with anything you say or promise.

It comes under the heading of... if you can't beat them, join them.  If you cannot get him removed for cause thru official channels, then you might as well do whatever it takes to get along with him as well as possible (no matter how personally distasteful or repugnant that is for you).  If eating a little crow, assuming a subservient attitude (only in his presence), and saying whatever it is he needs to hear makes your life better in the long run, why not bend like a willow, IF you can actually get a better work environment for yourself in doing so.  If you can't, then forget this idea.  


 

[RainMaker]

With a job, you are selling the most limited thing you have - time.  You are selling part of your life to the company you work for.  If you have a job you hate, then you are cheating yourself.  If you move to Texas and get a job, you may end up with an arswhole manager again - they aren't limited to living in California.  Maybe the idea would be to find another job in California and not move.  But you should get out of the stressful situation no matter what.

As for Texas, you could get a far larger home on a lot of land and still put money in the bank by selling your home.  You would escape the state tax.  You will find a far more conservative outlook on life and politics.  The weather is not as nice - much hotter in the summer, mostly colder in the winter.  Beautiful twisty motorcycling roads - not so much.

As for job prospects, that's hard to tell.  I'm not in IT.  I'm not even in the corporate world any longer - I have my own little company that makes kid's parties happier events.  Hard to beat that in my book.

I also have a sister-in-law who moved from California to Texas 20 years ago.  After getting over the snobbery complex she had that all Californians are superior to the hicks in Texas, she started liking it.  She has discussed moving back but every time she visits California, she can't wait to get back to her home in Texas.  Go figure.

You have to decide whether it's better to stay with the status quo and hate going to work and dealing with the drama, which will stress you out and end your life earlier, or moving to a place and starting new, whether that place is in California, Texas or any other location.

[cookiedough]

Hope the new boss who played the race card gets what is coming to him, fired!

If there is ONE thing I will NEVER tolerate again is a psycho micro-managing boss in my life. 

Sounds like a new job is in order in CA or hope and pray your boss gets the ax.

I think almost everyone on here in one time or another at one job has had to deal with horrible bosses NOT qualifed or psycho/crazy/micromanaging or other co-workers who are complete idiots making your job 3x's as hard as it should be. 

My wife has to work closely with the somewhat new (about 1 year now) Accounts Payable supervisor who is NOT qualified to do his job making her job miserable.  She got offered that job herself and when asked why not taking it by the managers, she said she would have fired all but 1 A/P clerical person since they are not worth keeping. 

Best of luck finding a better job, or should I say better boss.  Negative criticism all the time, especially over petty crap not even making a hill of beans difference, with nothing good to say is NOT worth dealing with at any job.   Been there, done that! 

[BF]

Sounds like you need a hug....but not in a gay way.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.   

[fordmano]

Well thank you all for your advise and support.

Things just got a bit worse for me. I had some sort of crazy panick attack last night at the start of my shift and I basically walked off the job. Spent almost 3 hours just riding with about a half hour with cruise control set at 100mph. Didn't seem to think or care of the consequences just need some serious wind. I already called off sick for tonight and will be going to the Dr. Monday morning see if I can get some Dr. Approved time off. It will burn up my vacation but if not I am sure I won't be posting much more here since I will likely not need the bike or be able to ride it.

I had chest pains, full body trembling head ache stomach ache really bad pains in my head neck and lower back down my right leg. Couldn't focus on anything for more than a few seconds then would just like focus and panic twitch my head back and forth and lock in to something else but only for a few seconds. Hyperventilated felt like a kid lost in the deep woods after dark. This job is really gonna kill me. I need to change my families place in this world, I am sick of living here really sick of it. I know CA has the best weather blah blah blah! "F" this state. Feeling a little bit better this morning but after trying talk this all through with the wife I get the same crap from her. You can't quit we have to have two paycheck a (no crap, living here) I tell her that is a part of my stess and panick and she tells me so go find another job! Reminding her that working this job isn't allowing me to do job interviews during regular business hours. Think about this, I work tonight ok cool I stay up tomorrow exhausted from work and that stress, then try to do an interview not in my best mental or physical state. Then I can't stay up all night again working that next night can I isnt being this exhuasted just about as bad as being just plain drunk when driving to work or back from it? So I am gonna try and get some time off for stress again( did this beginning of last year when this new boss came on as manager) oh he was one of my coworkers and never had any managerial experience or training prior to this position advancement last January...

Maybe I haven't lost this job yet but it's just a matter of time since I can't mentally (now causing physical issue) work these weekend shift alone every weekend with no change in sight. We have two that quit, two moved to other departments, three off on disability one has gone permanent disability now and one is still in middle of law suit against the University and the manager. Looks like I am gonna talk to the lawyer she is using. FAWK! I did call the inc all lead last night befor I left and made sure one of the evening guys could stay till the lead showed up. So maybe I haven't lost the job yet but it's coming.

Thanks again all for your support its been appreciated greatly. I will be around when I can be. Wish I could have met so many more of you folks. Maybe someday?

Thanks,
Matt

[Jess from VA]

Sorry to hear this Matt. I don't know what to advise, but it really seems like you need to do something.  What ever it is, make rational decisions after thinking things over carefully.  Take care of yourself buddy, it seems like you are on your own out there.   

[LTD]

Come to Inzane in June it will tune you up to carry on with your life.  You need to be around a bunch of Valkoholics for a week.  Hope to see you there and good luck.

[FryeVRCCDS0067]

I left a good paying job which I hated last October. I ran the maintenance department at a medium size industrial facility. I still enjoyed the challenge of troubleshooting and repairing electrical/mechanical equipment, I liked most of my co-workers, but working with an increasingly crappy company was making me crazy. So, I took a few months to study changes in the laws and then when I was ready, I got my FFL back after a 30 plus year hiatus, built a new shop and went back to being a gunsmith. Because I was starting slowing, (I'm a very cautious guy) I still needed a day job.

To finish my escape, I needed a new day job too.

There was another company I was interested in working for but I wanted to minimize my financial risk and was worried about starting a new job at 57 years old. So, I started doing some weekend repairs at the new company so I could see what I thought of them and vice/versa. After a month or two I accepted a 3 day a week job at the new place as their sole mechanic/electrician and happily walked away from the old job.  I took a large pay cut which I could mostly recover if I was willing to go full time but I am not. I have less spending money now but plenty to cover the bills. All of the money generated by the gunsmith business goes directly back into buying equipment, tools and supplies for the business. The gunsmith business will be my retirement and I don't intend to spend a dime of the money generated by it until then.

My advice is to make a well thought out plan to escape that job. If they push you into making a move before your ready, then they win. If you make your move according to your plan and come out better because of it, then you win. You need to win.

And, remember, it's easier to get new job when you still have your old job. Then you are less likely to feel pressured to accept another job you won't like.

[cookiedough]

sounds like you need to get outta there ASAP, but with that many IT people gone in your area,  how can your new mgr. or HR expect 1 person to do it all or a lot less than the normal amount of crew it seems like?  Talk to HR and see what they are doing to get more people in there to relieve the stress some.  Are they even looking to re-hire all those people that have left?  

My best advice is to do what you can do to the best of your ability and if that is not good enough, piss on that company and piss on that new boss who is an idiot and a-hole.  Don't worry about it, you done the best you can do.  Easier said than done, but after so many months with the same crap day after day,  sometimes you just have to quit since it really does affect your health in a bad way.  That is what I had to do after 5 months on the job with a new crazy psycho micro-manager.  I quit with no job lined up, had do since my health was getting worse, just wasn't worth dealing with her insane bitching everyday.  Needless to say,  after I left, my job was posted there for 1-2 years off and on (did not surprise me one bit since NO ONE would stay there for more than a few months am sure) until I think the company got bought out by a national, much larger,  IT company thinking Cisco Systems.  

Isn't your new boss very helpful at all or doesn't he give a crap either, just whines and bitches, sounds like it!  If he isn't understanding, get it off your chest with HR mgmt. and tell them all the horrible working conditions and short staff is making working their unbearable and affecting your health badly with details like you told us.

If HR and your boss doesn't understand or care,  then maybe you need to contact a lawyer who deals with unfair working conditions, if there is such a thing since the only thing I know of that lawyers will help you out with are harrassment (or age discrimination-see below) in the workplace, not just being overworked.  If harrassing and YOU DO NEED TO DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE TIME ON A NOTEPAD AT WORK TIME AND DATES AND WHAT WAS SAID,  THEN YOU HAVE A CASE with a lawyer.

Where I currently work,  a lady being there 15+ years, a good worker, could have filed a lawsuit and easily won her case when our boss harrassed her near daily and yelled at her near daily and treated her like a 2 year old in front of us all.   She called her 'stupid' and said 'what are you, a 2 year old, you should know better' and several other harrassing statements was NOT good right in front of  us all yelling it weekly comments like that.   I would have sued my workplace if I was her since I 'personally' don't put up with harrassment at all.  Instead, she took it, affected her health badly, and was so bad she had to quit.  Exactly what our boss wanted since she was the last of that class of workers they had that got benefits/health insurance.  The other 2 that had that 'special' class of workers retired/left due to old age, plus have had enough as well.  

I also worked at American Red Cross (a non-profit organization)  and an older employee lady (was worthless for the most part) contacted a lawyer for unfair age discrimination and as hush money,  the ARC (I had to type the check in Accounting) paid her off for 10 grand and as soon as she got that check, she left right after for good.   I found it B.S. that a non profit organization would give up that much money in a very small group since the money (daily gifts of checks) coming in from daily working community  used to help support all the good the ARC does was used to buyout preventing a lawsuit to get her to leave quietly.   My CEO would not give me details, just told me to type the check is all even though I told him I was against it since I don't do anything unless it makes sense to me, especially coming from the ARC.  

Maybe a lawsuit if you documented all what was said to you (harrassing) will get HR's attention and either get your boss fired,  or you get a payout of hush money to leave which should be enough to get you outta there and enough money to support you and your family until you find another job.  It could get you fired, but would that really be such a bad thing, guessing not? 

IT jobs should be plentiful in most areas, but maybe not in your area where you live.  Good luck!

Like I said before, go to 2-3 temp agencies in your area and interview with them and see if you can land a temp to hire IT job with another employer on one of your days you leave instead of riding 100 mph not in the right frame of mind.  

Go see a Dr. as well and your results of your testing may very well get you short term disability if the testing comes back not all up to snuff.  Use that time off work to try to find another job. 

[fordmano]

Update: I have been placed off work by my Dr in regards to th chest pains I had after last Friday nights extreme panick attack at work. And she directed me to see the Kaiser Shrink Med Dr also has me setup for treadmill stress test already had full blood Workup and EKG and full chest X-rays.

So I have 1 week off from Med Dr and an additional 3 weeks to start with from the head shrinker So Gotta hit the bricks and find that new Job.

Thanks for all the advise suggestions and general Love for your fellow human being shared in this brotherhood!

[Big Al of Tennessee]

Texas is hiring, just about everybody.

Until you grow a pair, and tell the WIFE, you are doomed.

When you die of over work, and you will.

The next fellow will love all your toys.

Think about him riding your motorcycle and as you are pushing up daisies.

R U hearing me.

[Big Al of Tennessee]

Have you been talking to Stanley Steamer?

Sounds like one of his Whiney ASS Posts.

Sorry in advance.

[The emperor has no clothes]

Damn Al. Fordmano, everybody has a breaking point. You found yours. It doesn't mean you need to leave your wife and kids. I'm sure you'll work it out. Best wishes

[Big Al of Tennessee]

Damn Al. Fordmano, everybody has a breaking point. You found yours. It doesn't mean you need to leave your wife and kids. I'm sure you'll work it out. Best wishes

My point exactly, Breaking point, once your there, your choice is made for you.

Make the choice before you get there.

[Jess Tolbirt]

hey Al,, one of those for me?

[Big Al of Tennessee]

hey Al,, one of those for me?

You can keep what you kill.

No Muff too Tuff.