I don't think you have to be over 70 for these to apply, but,,,,

[Patrick]

-
When you are over seventy.....

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're
kind’a cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of
you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over
seventy...............who cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who
cares?

[John Schmidt]

Old guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good looking gal, then says...."hi there, do I come here often?" 

It's kind of a standard joke between my wife and I. I'll ask the same question and she answers with "I don't remember so guess we can start anew."  It's good as you get older that your memory lets you keep the important things still fresh in your mind, such as the b'day date of what'sername.   

[solo1]

 

Here's a true story.

I was working at a toy store many years ago and on Friday we would gather around the owner while he passed out the pay checks.  One Friday the owner turned to me and asked,  "Wayne, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?"

Without thinking I said, "If I did have, I wouldn't be working here!!"

Total Silence, except for a mental 'crap"

[Willow]

Old guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good looking gal, then says...."hi there, do I come here often?" 

It's kind of a standard joke between my wife and I. I'll ask the same question and she answers with "I don't remember so guess we can start anew."  It's good as you get older that your memory lets you keep the important things still fresh in your mind, such as the b'day date of what'sername.   

Now and then in the presence of my wife I'll tell people, "There are two distinct advantages to being hit in the head.  One is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.  The other is that you can tell the same joke over and over and it's just as funny every time."

Lori Beth rolls her eyes and retorts, "Not to me it's not."

 

[John Schmidt]

Yeah Carl, my wife tells me it's easy to tell I'm from Iowa.....the tall CORN state. I've never been hit in the head(except when I ran into a goalpost catching a pass), but I do have a lot of new friends it seems.