mom altzheimers not sure what to do

[cookiedough]

was over there for 4 hours today, not good.

She remembers our names, etc. but has no clue pretty much all else like where she puts her clothes, her other belongings, forget to flush poddy,   does not shower nor cook nor change clothes, states she eats but does not much besides bananas or cereal.

Have meals on wheels 3 days per week and care provider come in 4 days per week for 30 minutes morning, 30 minutes at night, but today she forgot in one week to take her pills for 2 whole days and 2 nights, the days the daycare provider ladies do not show up.

Had a heart to heart talk with mom and told her if she continues to forget to do stuff which is ongoing like taking her pills being main thing,   she can no longer live alone in her house.  She got pissy with me and said going to live her next 20 years and no one can make me leave. 

She is in no real danger since she does not use the stove, etc. but not changing clothes nor showering and refusing to let the daycare providers help much at all paying them 320 bucks per month for not much they really do.  Told them today to FORCE mom to do stuff and also told mom as well LET THEM do stuff since she says she does all this herself but she NEVER does in reality making stuff up. 

I made her change her clothes asking her where her socks and underwear are and other clothes and she had NO clue.   She at first refused but her clothes wearing all week is disgusting smelling.   Next step next time is to try to find some clothes and toss all the OLD clothes she has laying around all over that are 25-30+ years old or more.

If we take her out of her house permanently,  she will not make it long since she wants to live alone am sure of it not a social person at all, no friends around anymore and she is not at all a social person never has been.  She actually freaks out a little over strangers and gets nervous or figidity on meds to mellow her out has in past hallucinated and lost her mind for awhile there forcing her out of her house since she was seeing people not really there - pretty scary calling cops over no one around.  Meds are controlling that at least now and back in her home past 4-5 years. 

Had a chat with daycare lady in charge and told them they need to do more for mom while over there making her change clothes and making her wash up regardless if mom says NO, I CAN DO IT which we all know she is not.  MOM was told that today as well by me being very forceful telling her if she keeps refusing help she will no longer be living at her house much longer.  IN her mind she still thinks she either can do it or thinks she has done it, but guessing her mind is so gone she is not in her right mind.

[3fan4life]

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease.

My first thought is the possibility of hiring someone to take care of your mom full time.

Most live in caretakers don't have to be medically trained and room and board is part of their salary.

Think about placing an ad on craigslist or the local paper.

It may be a case of an older person that is functioning well but needs somewhere to live or is looking for companionship. 

[Valker]

I HATE that this is happening, and feel free to disregard anything I say. This is not good for YOU. Most of my family who have had this or dementia, weren't 'with it' enough to be really unhappy in whatever conditions they lived. As a caring family member, you need to understand that a long term care facility is NOT failing your mother. Someplace where there are caretakers 24/7 who work in shifts and get paid to do this stuff is where most of the folks afflicted with this Hellish disease find some happiness. Your Mom doesn't have the quality of life in her home which she would have wanted before the deterioration set in. Many family members 'promise' other family members "not to put me in a nursing home (or other facility)". I think this is wrong. It usually ruins the health of the caretaker and ruins the loving relationship the family had. When a family member finally passes on, there shouldn't be a big relief that they are 'free' of the burden at last. I told my wife, kids, and other family-when something like this happens to me and you quit looking forward to being around me, slap me in a care facility. I'm NOT giving advice, just telling you my thoughts. No parent wants to use up all of their kids' money, patience, and time just to survive a bit longer. The ONLY winners in this type of situation are the ones getting paid (drug industry).

[Firefighter]

I had to retire and move in with my mom the last three years of her life. I am an only child so it was all on me and up to me, every single decision. Things will get worse, you need to step in and find ways to get her help. Yes they get mad, but her current situation will be changing faster than you are adapting, been there. That is my opinion based on my experience. I promised my mom I would never place her in a nursing home so I didn't. I had help from Area of Aging and later Hospice. I hired my daughter in law to help when I was too tired or too beat up. I was her nurse and learned to do everything required, didn't think I could do it but I learned.

It is a terrible thing, and I am very sorry you are dealing with this.

[cookiedough]

Yah,  good advice so far.  I think I handled it sort of wrong today with my mom since I need to realize it is NOT her fault and she cannot help her disease.  Asking my mom to remember to take her pills, etc. the few days caregiving ladies not there weekly is not going to happen and I need to realize that. It has been pretty good as far as pill taking except the last few months missing 1-2 days here and there in say a 3 weeks timeframe which I go over every week or two on weekends to fill up her 3 weeks of pill boxes,  pay bills, get her food, etc..  She knows enough in her mind I think that she does NOT want to leave her house and I really think that would sort of destroy her more so (at least in my eyes).   She really does not like to socialize and just wants to be left alone that I know.   My wife says the time will come one day she can no longer function at home and I think that time is sort of near or for sure has gotten worse in the past 5-6 months or so.  Before, she would easily remember taking her pills daily and at least changing her clothes every few days and shower at least 1-2 times weekly, but not at all much lately...  

My brother and me asked a few years ago to have her younger sister move in with her rent free just to have her around for companionship and maybe cook/clean/watch out for mom, but her sister said she did not want to give up her reduced fee living in a retirement sort of complex in the next town bigger nearby that has groceries, etc. being more convenient for her and I can see that.  It was worth an offer though.  I think that would have been really good for my mom since she is one of only a few sisters/brothers that my mom being the oldest can tolerate daily.

My brother sort of ticked me off today as well he said he was going on over but found out he was there all of 20 minutes not doing jack _hit much at all when he said he was going to find some clothes to lay out for her and maybe clean out the old food in her fridge of which he did zippo for those 20 minutes there.  Here I spend 4 hours there afterwards doing all kinds of stuff paying bills, putting away groceries, refilling and re-ordering pills over phone, doing laundry,  cleaning out her fridge of spoiled food,  and the list kept growing.    Sort of irks me as well that the daycare providers are not doing not much in those 30 minutes there either besides pretty much socializing and interacting with mom for 30 minutes 2x's daily about 4 days per week and watching her take her pills. 

I guess I can call the local altzheimers/dementia place in bigger nearby town and see what can be done since am sort of sure they will say time for mom to leave the house which I know will not sound good to mom since even mentioning it today to mom brought tears to her eyes.  Maybe they have alternatives, but being such a small town meals on wheels is only 3 days per week and daily daycare might be needed even if it costs big bucks, something of which mom was in shock when we had to take her out of her house about 5 years ago for 4 months in a 4K per month assisted living facility when she was seeing people in her mind was not safe at all in her house went crazy (meds now have that in control I think).  MOm being EXTREMELY conservative spending more than 99.9999% of the U.S. am sure said that is CRAZY 4K per month.

[saddlesore]

First let me say that there is proof that this situation is very rough on caregivers so you have to think of yourself too.
  When my dad died my mother was alone for the first time in her life.  She had many episodes where I had to go there at 2 or 3 in the morning.  Lucky for me she made the decision to go an assisted living apartment.   I'm thinking that maybe your mother would benefit from something like that.  She'd have her own apartment and outside help could be brought in as needed. Dementia  might have been setting in but when she had a stroke the was the nursing home connected to the apartments.   
  There may be some organizations in your area that specialize in this.  A lot of things change the path you should go.  Insurance, personal wealth, medicare or medicaid change things like where can go.
  Bottom line is, assisted living might be a good transition that she'd find acceptable'

[cookiedough]

  Bottom line is, assisted living might be a good transition that she'd find acceptable'

I wish it was acceptable to my mom...

I also wish medicare or her secondary insurance could help pay for some of that cost as well.  Even if ONLY 1/2 of 4K per month would go a long way.  I think 4K per month is INSANELY high for any assisted living home basically for my moms needs to cook, clean, shower, and have a warm bed to sleep in.  She does not even watch TV anymore nor do word searches and am 110% sure she would never socialize or do special events in any assisted living home ever, it is just the way she has always been and will be.  What to do soon is coming unfortunately I think in 2017??

If mom would ONLY say YES and WILLING to ALLOW the daycare providers to help her bath or wash up and change clothes it would be o.k. I think for now, but mom being mom says to us all SHE CAN DO IT NEVER MIND..    I was forceful with her today stating this to her just say YES when they offer to wash her up, etc. but mom refuses still just saying she does it but we all know she does not.  Even 1-2 times per week in the shower would be nice and allowing her to change her clothes which she can do herself would be much better.

I might go over tomorrow again and toss all her way old clothing out and layout 7-8 clothes she can wear readily in eyesight and tell daycare place to MAKE her change clothes every few days.  I think if they say they are staying until she does it,  I think she will give in eventually and just do it???  She did it for me today after informing her I am staying until midnight if it takes to get her to change her smelly clothes.  She was not happy and got worked up some, but it worked.

If you all only saw how much old crap (hoarder for 40+ years) she has all in her house, it would be shocking.  When the time comes, I will just get 4-5 HUGE dumpsters and toss it all or give it away or maybe just have one HECK of a HUGE bonfire..... ???

Interestingly enough, my mother in law is the complete opposite age 75 also and in good shape overall.  Her house is spotless and has no real personal belongings not being used regularly, enough so she gives it all away if not using it in say 2-3 years.   We ourselves are somewhere in the middle and having such 2 sides of the extreme is not good , for my mother in law comes down to our house having that 'lived in look' and thinks we are slobs or something??   

[gregk]

  I  sorry for you, its  difficult to go through. Been there with a sister nearby and  mom would only listen to a brother that lived in Milw. a who was as dumb as a box of rocks. Maybe she has friends or relative's that can stop by. Is there a nursing home near where she grew up where there might be some of her friends where you could take her to visit then it might help her to stay, this worked for my sweet mother in-law.     Help is not cheep. Had a day care woman chosen from a Hosp. That introduced us to a short time friend who mom  grew to adorn and she began to be the greatest thing on this planet after mom had run off all her friends. Something about that woman that I hated her right from the start say 5 minutes so I paid attention to detail about everything yes everything she said. This day care gal vanished with $16,000. I got hot on her trail  and you know people don't like it when you steal lots of money from  old people so they spilled their guts out to me. I talked to a bunch of people in 2 days and had all the info I needed to go after her and turned all the info over to a detective that was working on the case. It took the cops a month to get their paper work all lined up an I had given the detective the 3 different ways she was spelling her name. Where she and her husband dropped off the U haul truck they used and anybody with the spelling of those names within a 24 mile radius of the drop of point in think it was St Petersburg Fl. A huge Metro.  When they went to pic her up they had her in 2 hrs. Shitty court system judge got mom her money back at think it was 425 a month while the gal an husband were allowed to keep both their cars an nothing would be mentioned to the place where she was working so she could continue to work an pay mom off. Yeah, dumb ass was working at a place cleaning condos. Stay sharp on who you hire,  Some places for care will charge you 18-24 an hour.  Maybe get some nursing students? Those girls need money for school an won't brake the bank in a day.    We did get itill friggin brother  got mom to get rid of them was 2 gals in their 20s that where fantastic was a gal from Africa, an a Mexican gal. Those girls had a lot of love an took to much crap.  If your mom let's somebody write out cks then get your hands on that ck book to see where that money is going.   
  Go to the department of ageing in town an talk to them. If money is low the State may help pay to keep your mom in the house rather than the state have to pay to keep mom in a nursing home.    Good luck with your mom !

[Patrick]

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease. My father had it. And, yes, it takes it toll on the caregivers.

There will probably come a time when she needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. Thats tough to do.

Whatever you do, do not sign anything ! They will hold you responsible. And here nursing homes are now over $11K/month.

[bassman]

I won't go into long paragraphs on our personal experiences with Alzheimer's and Dementia but I would encourage you to search for support groups or seminars
relative to these terrible diseases.  It will only get worse and the sooner you understand or are somewhat familiar with what you will be facing the better for all concerned.  Seek and accept any and all help available.  This is not a one man show and it takes skilled professionals to deal with this in most cases.  You will see and hear things you will not understand but please remember it is NOT the individual but rather the DISEASE you will be dealing with.  Our family are so thankful for the information provided by our local support group to help prepare us for what would occur and help explain why a person had done things.

The very best to you and your family as you take this journey......and PLEASE, PLEASE find a support group and visit at least once to see if they can provide support and recommendations for your individual case.  As they say, "You don't know what you don't know" and they could possible provide a path - NOT all the answers but a way to get some answers.

[phideux]

Instead of moving her out, can you move in???? Does she see docs on a regular basis???? Is she on the right meds???? My Aunt had Alzheimers, my Mom had Parkinsonians dementia, plus I work in healthcare. I know whats up. Has she been diagnosed with Alzheimers or some kind of Dementia??? While going through treatments docs will throw meds at it seeing which one will stick, some work some don't. Some of the meds work wonders. Look around at different docs, different treatments, you might be able to tweak her meds and see a world of change. Both my Mom and my Aunt had good days, bad days and great days. Stick with it, good luck.

[scooperhsd]

Having lost my mother to "dementia", and having watched my sister try to deal with it -

You WILL be putting her in a nursing home at some point. Unless your mother kills herself - you can count on it. 

If you are having to have that much homecare for her already - I'd say you are past that point already. Don't wait until you are totally burned out to start finding out what services are available to you and her. When she goes to the nursing home - the house is gone. it is a very real point that this is as hard (or harder) on the caregiver as the patient.

But starting tomorrow  - start  finding out what is available, and start making plans. Fortunatley my sister had my old scoutmaster to help her move her into the place where Mom lived out her days. My last couple trips out to see her (they're out in Hutchinson KS, I'm clear in NC) - I'm not sure Mom even knew me and my wife was in the room. This might sound morbid, but shortly after she's in the home, you need to make provisions / plans for when she joins her maker.  I'm talking about a term life insurance policy to pay for the arraingements that YOU and your sibilings are paying for, as well as the funeral  and the burial plans - find out what has already been done and still needs decided. At least once this was done, it was as easy as falling off a log. start working with your siblings on family stories and memories that you might want at her memorial service.


I wish you good luck, and do the best you can for your mom.

[gordonv]

Can't make much more suggestions than what has already been given. My first thoughts was also along the line of bring in help. But you need to get any Power of Attorney away from her, no access to her $, or it could be all gone. Might not be able to do it now without going through the courts.

My mom gave all that to my sister, she can pull the plug when ever she/we feel this is needed.

My mother already has an old "renter", who is living rent free, and she "supports", while he free loads off her. My families concern is if she passes and he tries to claim "companion" to her, for the property ($2M). He is her "Christian Charity". I can live with that, she is in no hard ship, dad left her well taken care of.

I have offered to move to her home, and she can live in the ex-granny suite. That is what it was there for, her mother who passed back in 9/11, and was to be for my parents if needed. Now she is looking at an assisted living home. Her sister has even applied to live there too. Health is good for both of them, just up in their 80's.

[Karen]

Sign up with the Alzheimer's Reading Room, they have a lot of information that can help you cope. The things that you think she is capable of now will evaporate with time. Please do whatever is the kindest way of caring for her that is available; your conscience will thank you for it later. Best of luck, it is difficult at best. Get yourself a local support group, if available. Prayers for you and her.

[Alien]

I've been right where you are.  You need to accept that you are going to have to take charge of her life.  Finances, bills, medications, doc visits etc.  As far as the not changing clothes, eating, showering etc. goes, this means that she is already past the point of living alone.  It is just not an option. 

Try not to be angry with her, even though folks going through what she is go through a really mean phase.  Remember she's not being difficult on purpose.  If you ever need to talk, PM me for my number.

Ride Safe,

Alien

[big d]

I feel your pain my friend as my siblings and I are going through the same thing. My mom is 90 and is slowly headed down that road. The hardest part is that she knows and remembers enough that she fights leaving the house even to visit her children. We the children know to put her in a home would definitely crush her spirit and would be the end of desire to live. Unfortunately there is no one answer for all, just what each family can do to support that parent. It truly is heartbreaking for the children going through this. Keep your head up and do what you can to be supportive.

[cookiedough]

I feel your pain my friend as my siblings and I are going through the same thing. My mom is 90 and is slowly headed down that road. The hardest part is that she knows and remembers enough that she fights leaving the house even to visit her children. We the children know to put her in a home would definitely crush her spirit and would be the end of desire to live. Unfortunately there is no one answer for all, just what each family can do to support that parent. It truly is heartbreaking for the children going through this. Keep your head up and do what you can to be supportive.

I'm trying, but is hard to do. thanks.

Yah, I am P.O.A. thank god mom picked me over my older brother to handle the bills, etc..  He was over there before me this past Saturday telling me he would at least put some clothes out for her to wear, etc. and maybe clean the fridge out.  NONE was done, and he was only there mom said like 20 minutes is all doing ZIPPO.  Why even bother showing up??  Was pissed, I stayed there over 4 hours doing several things.  We have gotten into it a few times, but mostly remain civil until his WIFE steps in...    The time we had to take mom out of her house due to hallucinating and calling the cops on invisible people, I blew my stack overhearing his wife ragging about me when I was the one who was doing all the calling trying to get her into a psych ward at a hospital that her insurance would take nearby.   I basically told my brother that his wife needs to shut the _ell up or else I will shut it for her,  have not been that pissed in a LONG while and I do have a temper trust me on that.   

If my mom would ONLY allow the caregivers showing up 4 days per week for 1 hour per day to help her shower, change clothes, that would go a long way for now instead of mom saying, NO I can do it but rarely does.   I think I will have to get a spreadsheet of days they show up demanding and telling mom that they will be doing this and that on certain days and NO IFs, ANDS, or BUTTS about it they WILL be doing it and mom will have to allow them.   If not,  then gotta get her outta the house sooner rather than later something that I think will for sure destroy her internally.