Suggestions on how to get out of shopping with the wife FOREVER!!!

[BamaDrifter64]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'  One of the
clerks passed out.

[Dogg]

I must tell you....when i go visit my wife's cousin in NJ, Helen, his wife, always wanted me to go because she thought she could embarrass me to a point where I wouldnt go anywhere with her....well, it back fired.

 We went into the radioshack to get one of those wires from a mini plug to rca so I could plug the laptop into the computer. at the counter I noticed they had "D" cells on sale and asked her if she needed new batteries or if the "cattleprod" was still functional......she kinda went along and bought 4 packs of "D" cells, the clerk was red and speechless....
 We went to the grocery store next. We walked up to the doors together but, once there, I stepped out in front, walking into the store before them. (oh her daughter was with us). In a VERY loud voice, I holered,"Good morning everyone!!!I am here!!!" to that, I got alot of good mornings right back, 27 handshakes and some of the best conversation I could have asked for. needless to say, it was a bit over whelming for poor helen to have THAT much attention brought to her. As we were leaving, everyone that heard me enter hollered back at me,"have a nice day!!!! see you soon!!!"  which was almost icing on the cake for poor helen.
 We left and stopped at the beer store. Helen and her daughter, Sarah, went into the store and left me in the car. She figured she was safe from me now. while they were in there, looking out the windows as they were aobut to leave, 3 police cruisers in the driveway, and a bunch of comotion going on in front of the store. I had hung my head out the window, drooling down the side of the truck asking my mommy to stop making me drink that stuff......

....as we left the parking lot, I was screaming that I was kidnapped. she stopped the truck, I got out, ran laps around the truck screaming that my underwear was on fire. Sarah, got out grabbed me and directed me to the passenger door where I got back in the truck. I made it clear(at 70mph) hanging out the window of the truck that All of this was against my will and that kidnapping is a jailable offense and a reward was offered for anyone willing to stop this crazy woman.  sad part is,  sarahs teacher, best friends mom and dad, helen minister and a few other close friends were witness to al of this at the beer store.

I do not go anywhere with any of them anymore. they cater to me like I was a king. now, thats how you get outa going shopping....   

[mikeb]

i hope you know this works well with kids too my youngest  kids still being at home i often have a ball with them.. at stores i yelll security and say i seen them shop lifting or tell them not to leave until their pockets are full at full volume...

i took my 16 year to the hospital and then the old gray haired lady asked can i help you i said my daughter wanted to see were babys came from i thought she was going to stroke out on the spot .. my older daughter had just gave birth  and we just wanted to see the baby..
 
i went to the store with my wife and my kids with a few extra kids at the check out lane i told the clerk if my wife just learned how to swallow  we would not have had all these kids.. my wife loved that one you try it!! let me know how it worked for ya ..

when my youngest boy leo was 15  he was picking on his sister about her time of the month so then i sent him to buy pads for his sister than i took him to the condoms and found a few teenagers to help him  pick some condoms out   
they both are great kids now. and warn me they are going to pick my home when i get older so i need to be nice