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Author Topic: A little Tech Humor !!!  (Read 1811 times)
LadyDraco
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Posts: 1861


TISE

Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East


« on: November 28, 2009, 06:10:43 AM »

As we approach the colder time of year and folks start thinking of those long over due projects I think it is important to familiarize yourself with the tools and their true uses.....STOLEN FROM ANOTHER SITE I PLAY ON..

Tool Definitions


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, crap!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a bitch TOOL
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 2funny 2funny 2funny Grin Cheesy
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
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MAD6Gun
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Posts: 2636


New Haven IN


« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2009, 12:01:17 PM »

  I got one to add to that Tracy. You know those little C and E clips that are used to hold some components together that are usually very small. . Those are also referred to as "Jesus Clips" because when they come loose and fly across the floor never to be seen again you yell "Jesus Christ." .....
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R J
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Posts: 13380


DS-0009 ...... # 173

Des Moines, IA


« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2009, 03:07:01 PM »

Amen on Mark's fastner, but it is not a tool.
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Lyn-Del
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Posts: 1480


Houston area


WWW
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2009, 05:21:28 PM »

I used to have a valuable dog I took to work with me. He invariably pointed out where the dad gum Jesus clips went.  Saved me a fortune in time and parts .... that was a long time ago.  Now, I have no idea where the darned things go.
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If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. ― Benjamin Franklin
R J
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*****
Posts: 13380


DS-0009 ...... # 173

Des Moines, IA


« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2009, 06:08:17 PM »

I used to have a valuable dog I took to work with me. He invariably pointed out where the dad gum Jesus clips went.  Saved me a fortune in time and parts .... that was a long time ago.  Now, I have no idea where the darned things go.

We don't bother looking for them anymore.

We carry an assortment of them.

So far, only found 1 we had to hunt for.

Mucho cheaper to do it that way than to have a tech look for it.

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Karen
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Posts: 2786


Boston MA


« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2009, 06:21:57 PM »

Sounds like I have been using all those tools properly!
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