This last week (non-Valk, non-political) personal life

[scooperhsd]

As most of you know, late August /early September 2018 my wife and me moved in with her 82 Year old mother (and a 20 year old son of a cousin of my wife). The 20 year old had spent a good portion of his growing up years with MIL and her deceased husband, and his own parents, while not outright abusive, were ... more neglectful than they should of been.

The 20 year old (let's call him D for this post) did not finish high school, nor has he completed a GED yet. He has never (to my knowledge) been able to hold a job - he prefers to just sponge off MIL. When he is behaving correctly, he can be an engaging, articulate young man. D has one major and some minor problems. The major one is his temper/ anger management issues - following his father, he has temper tantrums more appropriate for a 2 year old, with screaming and cursing at MIL, as well as hitting the house / breaking drywall etc. Increasingly, we (wife and me) have felt these were more for show and to intimidate MIL, as when we are in the area or she leaves, they stop.

Last friday night, D had another tantrum while were upstairs watching TV (they stay in the basement, we are on the first floor). I  decided I had had enough and marched to the door at the top of the stairs , opened it and made my presence known. I think I said words to the effect that these tantrums are not appropriate and are going to cease immediately. He muttered some words about not being afraid of me (I have 3 inches height, at least 6 inches of reach ( I have longer than normal arms for my height) and a good 20-40 pounds on him ( and a temper that would  make his outbursts seem like a tempest in a teapot If I let go and stop controlling it). In any event, he decided to either move or at least stay with his mother (about .5 mile away) that night. I guess he decided to move completely out at that point, as he took his computer and his dog with him. (IMO , the dog would be better off without him, as he lets alot of the day to day care fall on MIL).

The next afternoon, I wrote him about a page long email, starting off with I didn't think he would be a good caregiver for MIL due to his temper, a fatherly type paragraph about him needing to get his GED and start working on post secondary training /education so he could support himself when there is no longer anyone around to support him. The next paragraph very clearly laid out that if he physically struck anyone on the house, he had just signed his eviction notice, and spelling out the actions I would take (call KCPD, not borrowing MIL's car, cell phone (which I had the account control of) stop working within 24 hours, house re-keyed. What wasn't stated was that if he hit me  - it was likely an ambulance would need to be called for one or both of us, if not at least one bodybag (and I didn't intend for it to be me). Nowhere, did I state that he was evicted just now - just what would happen. In the last paragraph, I spelled out that wife, me, and him should have a sit down and talk about our differences and what if anything could be done to deal with them.

Fast forward a couple days - MIL wanted to talk to me about the email sent to D. I basically told her I said what I meant, and meant what I said. She tried to bring up his growing up and I said that had nothing to do with his current behavior. On the print out, I again expressed that we could sit down with him and discuss differences.

Later that night, I got an email from him expressing .. rather negative opinions about us, the way we were treating MIL, and that he would rather never see or speak to us again (fine by us, let me tell you). The next afternoon, I went to the AT&T wireless store to clear out an installment plan on his phone, and setup a pre-paid wireless account (couldn't put his name on without his permission) for him with his current phone and number. Then I wrote him an email explaining what I had done and what he could do to claim the account.

Got another nasty email from D about he was going to take care of his own cell account and he didn't need anyone telling him what to do (I'm not sure he really understood my email on the cell phone). I answered this one with a carefully written, non-attacking explanation of what and sort of implied why I did (his big thing has been "we were always in his business" - my email specifically stated that this was for me to "get out of his business"). He had another couple emails on how he was going to make enough to buy MIL another house and move her out, etc. but most all of them I just kind of ignored as not too likely with his history to date.

My take on this is that he realized we were through with the bullying , and weren't afraid to deal with him any more . He did what bullys do when someone stands up to them / threatens to be a bigger, badder bully than them - he folded.

Is there any other takes on this I'm missing ? Any other comments you fine people would like to make ?

I'm sorry this is so long and may seem out of topic, but it has been building for a long time (18 months now), and I was fed up with his behavior. I'm working on repairing my relations  with MIL, as there were things we had to do that irritated her. But mostly I want to be the best caregiver I can be and keep her safe . comfortable, and as independent as she is capable of. I know I probably won't be perfect, but I will do the best I can.

Thank you for letting me vent.
Scott

[f6john]

Tough situation. Hope you and the wife are on the same page. On the surface it appears it was time for him to go and certainly was not an appropriate care giver for your MIL. Change is always difficult, especially for the elderly, hopefully she will see an improvement in her wellness in the coming weeks and months.

Sharing a home with different generations of the same family can be very difficult. My wife and I lived in my sons home for almost 3 years acting as full time caregivers to our new grandsons, basically setting aside our lives to make sure the babies were well taken care of. You might think that kind of sacrifice would be appreciated beyond words but for reasons I still don’t understand we were treated more like intruders than loving grandparents. We sold our home of 40 years and moved 200 miles and bought a home 20 miles away and we still take care of the twins at least 3 days a week. I’m not bitter, more like sadness, as my 92 year old mother is still living in her home and I would never think of treating her as I and my wife have been treated. My DIL has issues and could be bi-polar though never diagnosed. My son walks a tightrope so we really just sucked it all up and enjoy our time with the grandsons.

Now they have a baby girl on the way and this time there won’t be live in infant care for all those nighttime feedings and sickness. It’s going to be interesting to see how this plays out starting in July. Praying your situation improves dramatically as time moves forward.

[Jess from VA]

Scooper, it sounds to me like you were fair and reasonable and firm, just like you should be.  You lay out the rules of minimum acceptable behavior, and consequences, and that is that.  

You're a better man than I.  I never wanted kids (mine or anyone else's) and I made sure I never did.  I always did extremely well with other people's kids (good ones and rowdy ones, but never disturbed ones), and the parents (my friends) always wondered why I didn't have any.  It's easy, when it's only hours, and not forever.  My best friend's kids were always asking when I was coming over again (I ran all over creation with them, while their dad was a (loving) couch potato).  

You do your best, and that's all you can do.  That guy does not want to modify his behavior (or submit to any authority), and so you didn't succeed, so you're not entirely happy with the outcome.  But that's not YOUR fault.

He sounds like one of those guys... you give him an inch and he'll take a mile.  Don't forget it. (passive aggressive)

He may end up in the hands of law enforcement before he grows up.  Being a tough guy in jail is a whole other world than a tough guy in grandma's basement.

A hitch in the military would do him a world of good.  (But do your Navy a favor and steer him to the Army  )    (though no GED is likely a problem)

  

[scooperhsd]

Jess, I've had the same idea how  military service would make a man out of him - if he could get past basic training. I can just imagine the first time his DI gave him an order that he didn't like, or told him to re-do something because it wasn't acceptable. I know for a fact that temper tantrums onboard ship would be dealt with in short order by his shipmates, not even involving the chiefs / wardroom. During my time onboard a frigate, I got to see just how good our people (NCOs) really are. I also got to see good strikers and dirtbags who pissed positive. But you're right about the no GED - I know the Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and Air Force wouldn't consider him, but I don't know how desperate the Army is. He is pretty bright, and would probably do pretty well on the ASVAB.

[old2soon]

          At 20 he should have been out that basement 3  4  year ago. In 1964 i was able to get my G E D while conducting flight ops off Nam. Guessin her you could have tuned him up a bit and Not left a mark.  Kinda like those old Chiefs did in The Navy. You know-chew around the hole and let the hole drop out!  While not personally involved myself Maybe you Weren't harsh enough? At 20 he also be fergittin a Very Valuable lesson he may learn in the school of hard knocks. Old men don't like too git hurt and we danged sure don't fight fair-whatever that is.  Or put another way-age and treachery Will over come youth and enthusiasm.  RIDE SAFE.

[9Ball]

A restraining order might not be a bad thing to get.  Punching holes in the walls of a fragile senior citizen is asking for trouble...might not be a wall in the future.

Good luck...

[scooperhsd]

April 16 -
For the last 3 weeks D has been in inpatient treatment for (I suspect) drug detox and general counseling. He sent copies of my emails to him to MIL for her talk to me - on the second , I told her that those were between D and me, and I would not discuss them with her, She did opinion that she thought I was a bit harsh and owed D an apology - I didn't say so but my feeling is that I didn't do anything to warrant one.

Anyway he got out of the 2nd one this morning, came by here to get more of his stuff and his dog. I noticed he made sure to not come within sight / sound of me. He is supposed to start daily outpatient counseling (so I've been told) - which he probably needs. I'm hoping that means he doesn't want to admit he was wrong and won't be back anytime soon. And I really want him to apologize to us.

I'm also pretty convinced that he has never had anyone standup to him before, and for all his bravado, he is really a coward as well as a bully. We'll see if he ever mans up and come talk to me for himself about what happened and why. Today I've thought about getting a gun (I never had before because I KNOW I have a temper (usually well controlled, but not so much with him any more) - but I don't want my temper to take me to a place that I shouldn't go).

MIL for the most part seems to be happier and not as afraid any more, although she may not be entirely pleased with me. On some level, I suspect that she knew what was going on from D, but refused to acknowledge it.

[Jess from VA]

Scooper, stick to your principles.  

I'm going to lay off discussing firearms.  You know what's best for you (and there are other defensive weapons).  Do not forget Red Flag laws in your state, and how they can be used against you.  

I am wondering if locks and keys to your home (and vehicles) might be an issue.

Was that voluntary or involuntary inpatient treatment?  And I am wondering if any communication by you with his counseling authorities might be in order.  By that, I am thinking about getting out ahead of any trouble that could be coming your way (defensive minded, not offensive trouble-making minded).

He would seem to need quarantine from people after such inpatient treatment.


(Levity) If my (ex) mother in law was living in my basement, all the firearms would have to go, since they make suicide far too easy. 

[Jersey mike]

You’re in a difficult spot and I don’t envy any part of it. That being said you’re doing the right thing, stand your ground, you don’t sound like an unreasonable person should D have a change of heart and attitude in the future, I can picture you even helping him in some way shape or form if he gets his act together and can “man up”.

Fight the good fight and protect the women and set a good example, that’s all you can do.

Stay strong and good luck

[Gavin_Sons]

A buddy of mine has a cousin exactly like D. His dad took him and signed him up for the Marines and 3 years later his is a very respectable young man. Made the world of difference. He has been in for going on 4 years and just resigned for another 4 years. He is stationed in Hawaii.

[scooperhsd]

Jess - wise words of advice. It was voluntary mental health care, but I do not think his counselors would even talk to his mother, much less us. My vehicles are safe, MIL is missing a car key / house key, but I'm not sure he has them either. If it would have come down to actually having him evicted - I would have changed the house keys that afternoon, but he left to his mother's on his own.

Mike - thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm hoping he can someday come to see I was trying to get him aimed for success (as well as stopping the elder abuse), but right now - I'm the pariah for upsetting his arraingement with MIL (him sponging off her for support).

Gavin - up earlier I had expressed the same thoughts - a hitch in the service would do wonders for him - if he could pass boot camp. No GED is probably going to be a problem, even if he is open to the idea. He also needs to get his issues taken care of first to have a chance.

[cookiedough]

At first I was thinking drugs and other abuse to his body/mind maybe drinking as well?  sounds like I am right on the drugs part. 

not so sure an email was the best thing to do seeing as how, if he was smart enough probably NOT,  take it and report harrassment on you getting you in trouble with the law.    I would put nothing in writing on this but word to word face to face speaking is all. 

My Aunt Mickey just died a month or two ago and I was the last one to see her alive for that early morning hours 5 a.m. she passed bad lungs/bad heart age 72 me leaving her in hospital around 630 p.m..  She thanked me for stopping letting her talk and laugh about the good old days my mom being oldest and her were very close visited her often when lived at home still growing up.  What she said to me and we all knew but was odd her saying this:  I wish Dale (her adopted son at birth) would never have adopted him from the get go he ruined my life, marriage, etc.    What he did to her was beyond belief me being about 12 years older he needed a good ass kicking at age 12 or so.  I wanted to get involved kicking the crap out of him growing up knocking some sense into him but my Dad said to stay out of it, wish I did something more.  He did drugs, in and out of jail dozens of times for abuse and selling drugs, thinking he could beat up anyone mostly women to the point of deep bruises broken bones, etc. to my Aunt  and even girlfriends and putting holes in her house walls with his fists violent temper.  He had mental issues and what made it worse was my aunts husband was an over the road trucker drank to being drunk often and smoked badly,   not home much and never seen much of this and always took Dale's side of things him being ignorant as well always bailing him out of jail and giving him money so he can just buy more drugs basically.  Aunt finally divorced her husband because of Dale injuring her body seen the bruises all over her face, etc.  and she parted ways with both of them moving out for good NEVER EVER to speak to EITHER one the rest of her adult life some 20-30 years ago.  Sad story actually and to hear my Aunt's final words being basically that was sad indeed that night when I left the hospital only to find out 11 hours later she passed.

back on topic,  hold your ground and do what is right but not sure written words from you in an email is a good thing to do.   Do what YOU feel is best for the older 82 year old in  your family and I know it is tough, but gotta try to be calm about the situation and rational,  something I am lacking sometimes dealing with my own mom issues currently/last few years.  It is tough and we can only do what we feel is best and hope and pray it all works out for the best, or the lesser of 2 evils sometimes.  My older brother and his butt in where she does not belong wife has had a few HEATED shouting pissing matches on the welfare of my mom and where she needed to be.  I lost it once after hearing what my brother's wife said on the phone and trust me,  I blew up telling her off big time my brother knew I was smoking HOT he just sat there never said a word or GAME ON!  I have a temper and if I loose it taking a lot to do that,  look out. It would have not ended up well if my older brother said much at that particular time.  He somehow got the calmer more laid back portion of my parents while I got the common sense and CAN DO with temper attitude, him laid back and does not do much.   

[scooperhsd]

Let him take those emails from me to the police - they will laugh in his face about them being harassment (I do know how how to write and I was especially careful with anything I have sent him (I think I could have made a good lawyer as long as I didn't have to go to court)). I hope he showed them to his counselors  - they would tell him the same thing.

My wife is 100% behind me, and everyone that I have shown them to have agreed I had written them appropriately (state the issue and how to fix it, no threatening language, etc.). I have to have her keep bucking  me up, as when I start thinking about him too much, I want to let my temper take control (not a good idea, I know).

[MAD6Gun]

 My wife's youngest son was living with us for awhile. A few years ago a couple of days before Christmas my wife and I came home from dinner and he's walking out of the house with a bottle of jack saying "get that b!@#$h out of my house". Your house I thought. He walks off and we go in the house. She is balling and says she has no place to go. Wife and I decided she could stay here for a couple of days until she could find a place to go. The whole time my stepson is blowing up her phone telling her "to get the f@#k out of my house" I took the phone from her and yelled into phone "listen you little f#$k this is MY house,you don't dictate what happens in my house. If you don't like it you can keep walking".  He eventually apologized and came back but moved out not long after that. Bottom line he has always been my wife's trouble child. Even now he won't take anyone's advice. His father,my wife or me. It's his way or the highway. He told his mother not long ago that he can't understand why that crap keeps happening to him. I told her it's because he keeps doing stupid stuff. Like driving a car with no plate, running out of gas on the side of the road and wondering why it got impounded.

 Bottom line Scooper stick to your guns. Don't let him try to bully you or your MIL.

[da prez]

  My wife is an attorney. Years ago she had a client that received $975 a month in social security. Her 47 year old unemployed son was living off of her. Short version , how will my son survive on his own. Wife asked her , how will he survive after you die. Are you going to leave him a fortune. I have nothing , she replied.  Wife said , divorce your son.  Bonnie helped her get out of her home and into a over 55 community.  The son was given a week to get out ,we helped her move.
  Amazing thing , the son found a job. Last we heard , she was doing well with her sudden increase in income.

                                                       da prez