Humor

[gordonv]

Carol was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept
through class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in
class. 'Tell me Carol, who created the universe?'
When Carol didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Carol.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class....

A little later the Nun asked Carol, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Carol didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Carol.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Carol fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question....'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Carol jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

 

[Big Rig]

a suspected Covid-19 male patient is laying in a bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen marks over his mouth and nose.  A young nursing female nursing student  appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are-my-test-results-back?"

[t-man403]

 

[John Schmidt]

Loved that Carol & Johnny joke. Seems there is some truth re. the mischievious Little Johnny. When I was in 4th grade, my dad was School Superintendent with an office on the 3rd floor of the same building. The seating in the room put me directly behind Anita Steen, a snooty little blonde that hardly anybody liked, including me. One day I found a large thumb tack, the type used in holding up large posters, etc., and an evil thought crossed my mind. Problem is....it turned around and came back, this time it stayed. I taped that thumb tack to the end of my ruler and when Miss Snooty came back to her desk I shoved that ruler in through the crack of the seat & back of her desk. Good Lord....I didn't know she could scream that loud. I'll never forget Miss Kenyon coming over to my desk without even pausing at Snooty's desk and asked what I had done. Well, Snooty piped up and explained so Miss Kenyon(using Miss instead of Ms....Ms didn't exist in the common vernacular back then) demanded I lay my hands palms down on the desk so she could slap them real hard. I assumed at the time this was to teach me to keep my hands to myself. I did as told and when she came down with the slap intended to bring my adventures to a halt, I merely opened my hands sideways....exposing the tack. Good Lord....I didn't know Miss Kenyon could also scream that loud. With the tack stuck to the hilt in her palm, she, in a rather quiet but firm tone pointed to the door and said "go...now"....so I headed for that office on the 3rd floor. I knew the way rather well by now, and also knew whatever I got now was nothing compared to what waited for me when dad got home from school. 

[RP#62]

One for Baldo:

What's the difference between COVID-19 and the Boeing Max 8?











COVID-19 is airborne


-RP

[gordonv]

The Married Man and the Secretary

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to ‘work late’ and she said, ‘no problem.’

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?

He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"

[gordonv]

The Union Worker

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has seniority."

[gordonv]

The Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian

An Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian were telling tall tales.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big," and he stretched his hands as wide as they'd go.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch," said the Canadian

[gordonv]

Inner peace can be found, eventually


Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas shar to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[h13man]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

[gordonv]

Family Lockdown Boggie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-ugfNXYcDg&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR3sqsH0Yfba4ulQD0MpJXfmu_LkbAvZKV4achJIFtQngEmbryclyn7s_24

 

[f6gal]

The Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian

An Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian were telling tall tales.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big," and he stretched his hands as wide as they'd go.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch," said the Canadian

Don't let the Texans catch you callin' them Yank!

[DIGGER]

The wife and I are in a quandry.......with all this coronovirus stuff going on we don't know where to attend Easter Services this year......in the living room or the bedroom.

[scooperhsd]

The wife and I are in a quandry.......with all this coronovirus stuff going on we don't know where to attend Easter Services this year......in the living room or the bedroom.

Answer - Yes .

[gordonv]

The wife and I are in a quandry.......with all this coronovirus stuff going on we don't know where to attend Easter Services this year......in the living room or the bedroom.

Answer - Yes .

I think it will depend on what you are having to eat? 

[DIGGER]

                            Not too far fetched!

 

CALLER:

 Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:   
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

 

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month

 

CALLER:
OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

 

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

 

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

 

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

 

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

 

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

 

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

 

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

 

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

 

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

 

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

 

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased   only a   box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

 

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

 

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

 

I paid in cash.

 

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

 

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

 

GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

 

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

 

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

 

CALLER:

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

 

GOOGLE:   
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

 

 

IN GOD WE TRUST

 

[DIGGER]

I thought I might need to be tested because of shortness of breath......
But then I remembered that I was tying my shoe

[DIGGER]

A guy went to an estate auction where he saw a large parrot for sale.    He always wanted one so he bid on it.  Another bidder put in a higher bid     He bid even higher.    The other bidder bid higher.    It turned into a bidding war and the guy finally won the bid at a very high price.     When he went to pick up the bird he told the auctioneer "I surely hope this bird can talk after the bid it took to get him".     The auctioneer said "He can talk....who do you think you bidding against"?