Habenero's Revenge - DO NOT read this if you have to pee.... May be Valk related

[Skinhead]

I got this from my sister, she swears this is about her husband...




I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
  of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
  consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
    yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
 painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the
               next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
 
 
 
   Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
   coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear
wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come,
  yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being
                    paint and supplies to refinish the den.
 
 
 
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
 pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
 opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't
 look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that
 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
  The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the
                      night before were staging a revolt.
 
 
 
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
 forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
                       The peppers fired a warning shot.
 
 
 
 There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
 noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
  to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to
move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner
and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped
 to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
  dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into
an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all
    he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there
blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
    bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh..
                            .......BIG mistake!!!!!
 
 
 
 Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from
  my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few
 folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store
   and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was
coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a
 cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
 took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john ,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass
is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
 of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then
                                 quickly left.
 
 
 
  Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and
 said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some
 prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the
vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
 My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
 and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
 returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from
  the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my
  supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
  consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say
       anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
 
          Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
 

[Joe Hummer]

A++  I am laughing so hard I have tears.  Great tale!!!

Joe

[robin]

I'm in TEARS great story 

[andym]

OMG my sdie hurts from laughing

[X Ring]

     Skinhead, you've just earned my FIRST 5 roflmao smile award.

Marty

[bigdog99]

i was going to suggest ice cream until i read about Lowe's, perhaps i can share what i did. the fine wasnt that much

[Skinhead]

i was going to suggest ice cream until i read about Lowe's, perhaps i can share what i did. the fine wasnt that much

Spill....  Let's hear it.

[bigdog99]

wouldnt have the words, besides laughed so hard at the other one i had to step away for a little.   

[SgtBunny]

That was truely funny.  Nearly happened to me at the Depot yesterday but managed to only destroy my truck instead.

[Doc Moose]

Oh Lawdy, pass the kleenex!  Tears runnin down my face laughing so hard!!!!

[FryeVRCCDS0067]

Dang, that's funny. I think I hurt my neck laughing.

[RoadKill]

Glad I'm not the only one the stink police are hunting for!  ROFLMAO

[ptgb]

I truly never thought in my lifetime that I would ever see "grand mal assplosion" used in a narrative of any sort...

Thanks for the best laugh I have had in a long time...

[Jeff K]

Wow, If you Google "grand mal assplosion" it appears this story is more wide spread than Daniel's squirrel!

[Mickey Runie]

Tears are running from my eyes after reading this too.

It brings back funny memories of what can happen after a week long vacation, usually a mere 5 or 6 miles short of being back home, when the "not to be ignored" call comes from within.  Then pulling in the driveway so fast the RV nearly overturns, and running for the door of the house, entering so quickly, only to get a phone call three minutes later from the alarm company asking if everything is OK because the alarm was forgotten in the mad dash.  I sometimes wonder how the bowels know when home is so close, yet so far away.  You'd have to ask my other half about the chain reaction vomiting.  I don't like to recall that part of the story.

Thanks for posting this story.   Good laughter seems to start a day out better.

[Westernbiker]

OH MAN!!!!! Finally able to catch my breath and post. Darn that was funny! I have done this with my daughters in the truck and I put the window locks on so the couldn't roll down the windows, I like to share. LMAO!!!!! First thing they do now when the get in the truck is test that the windows roll down.

[fstsix]

I cant even type!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha out of breath ahahahahahah. That there is funny i don't care who ya are.

[bassin]

HAHAHAH Whats bad is some of us can relate to this story. LMAO

[Serk]

LOL! Good one, I can SO relate to that!!!

Reminds me of this (Admittedly really old!) classic:

-----------------------------------------------------

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

[JerryB]

Too much.......... ......Fart ....JerryB.

[Big Rig]

That's the funniest crap I have ever heard...

Thanks for the laugh at the end of a very long Friday afternoon...

[Huey]

OH OH OH OH SERK I THOUGHT THE FRIST POST WAS FUNNY. THAN I READ YOURS. I THINK MY WIFE CALLED IN THE EMT'S. I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD.