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DIGGER
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« Reply #1320 on: November 15, 2025, 11:45:15 AM » |
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At the grocery store a little old lady in front of me
Bought $249.72 worth of groceries but her credit card declined.
I know that God will bless me for this. It was a lot of groceries,
But I helped her put it all back.
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15360
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #1321 on: November 18, 2025, 11:20:22 AM » |
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Ran across this on Youtube. Needless to say it cracked me up and brought back some memories.  https://www.youtube.com/shorts/bQbjutgprmA |
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1322 on: November 18, 2025, 05:23:05 PM » |
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I'm at that awkward age......I still remember I forgot something.
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1323 on: November 21, 2025, 10:43:33 PM » |
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My housekeeping style can best be described as "There appears to have been a struggle."
I don't get near enough credit for things I manage NOT to say.
I got a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a Life I'll know right away.
A Police Officer came by my house today and asked me where I was between 5 and 6....he seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten".
Mother to daughter: "Honey, your job as a woman is to notice when a man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsence!"
My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tire. So I called my parents and said, "Sorry Mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture!" "Oh!" she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time!"
I want to go on a diet but I feel like I have too much on my plate right now.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Question.....is Trump Derangement Syndrome covered under Obamacare?
I had a thought, but unfortunately, I had a second thought. They richocheted off each other and I can't fine either one!
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1324 on: November 28, 2025, 07:43:57 AM » |
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My life is an open book...
Its poorly written ....
And I die in the end...
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1325 on: November 28, 2025, 09:25:58 AM » |
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This one is bad.......... I will show myself out............... A patient asks his doctor, "Doctor, is there sex after death?" The doctor replies, "That really depends on your pathologist." Hay  Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1326 on: November 28, 2025, 09:26:29 AM » |
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I saw a crime being committed at an Apple store. I was an iwitness. Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1327 on: November 28, 2025, 09:26:55 AM » |
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Before being domesticated by humans, horses made multiple attempts at governing themselves. Unfortunately, they all failed. In every vote the neighs won. Hay Jimmyt |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15360
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #1328 on: November 29, 2025, 11:08:46 AM » |
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It's snowing out, both cars are in the garage and we're nice and cozy. So Nancy asked what I planned to do today, I told her nothing. She teased..."that's all you did yesterday." Told her "it's a big job and I didn't get done."  |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1329 on: December 01, 2025, 07:07:42 AM » |
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It's snowing out, both cars are in the garage and we're nice and cozy. So Nancy asked what I planned to do today, I told her nothing. She teased..."that's all you did yesterday." Told her "it's a big job and I didn't get done." haha, I ain't done with that task yet!! Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1330 on: December 02, 2025, 07:10:45 AM » |
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At my age...to see the Northern Lights...
All I have to do is stand up too fast....
Sometimes I even get a total eclipse...
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da prez
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« Reply #1331 on: December 05, 2025, 05:24:31 AM » |
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A red head ,brunet and blond are on the roof of a five story building that is on fire.
Fire department arrives and brings out a catch net.
Come on , one at a time , jump.
The brunet jumps ,firemen walk away with the net ,she hits the ground and dies.
They yell up , we don't like brunets.
So the redhead jumps to the awaiting net. They walk away and she hits the ground and dies.
They yell up to the blond , we don't like redheads.
The blond yells back down , I don't trust you ,I'm smarter than I get credit for. Just lay the net on the ground and back away.
da prez
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1332 on: December 05, 2025, 08:22:17 AM » |
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I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician. We don't slam The Doors in this house. Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1333 on: December 05, 2025, 08:23:04 AM » |
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If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress. Hay Jimmyt |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15360
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #1334 on: December 09, 2025, 09:53:51 AM » |
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Got a chuckle listening to this guy, compliments of Facebook. Might need to click on it for sound but it's worth it.  https://www.facebook.com/reel/1384238483253977Have you heard about Randy, the brown nose reindeer? He can fly faster than Rudolph, just can't stop as fast. |
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« Last Edit: December 09, 2025, 06:48:29 PM by John Schmidt »
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1335 on: December 11, 2025, 05:33:46 AM » |
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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It' Christmas Eve.....
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1336 on: December 11, 2025, 06:11:53 AM » |
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What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills? Aretha Franklins. LOL Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1337 on: December 11, 2025, 06:26:49 AM » |
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Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people. Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself. Hay Jimmyt |
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GiG
Member
Posts: 2921
"That's just like, your OPINION, Man!"
NEAR the "In 'n' Out Burger"
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« Reply #1338 on: December 12, 2025, 03:42:12 PM » |
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Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people. Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself. Hay Jimmyt Told the cute nurse imma gonna put on New Balance Shoes and go mall walking It’s a date! She’s gonna meet me there- we’ll have matching headbands  |
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« Last Edit: December 12, 2025, 04:13:36 PM by GiG »
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Everything is - Nothing is .
When you come to a fork in the road - TAKE IT!
(send it to OSS)
This isn’t Rocket Surgery
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1339 on: December 15, 2025, 10:00:43 AM » |
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A clown walks into a bar looking tired. The bartender says, “Is it hard work being a clown?” The clown says, “It’s no small feet.” Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1340 on: December 17, 2025, 11:24:54 AM » |
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I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a farmer He said he chose the wrong field. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1341 on: December 18, 2025, 01:19:04 PM » |
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I've had it with gummies....
I have been sitting here
the last 3 hours wondering
what a millipeed would sound
like running with flip flops on......
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Flyingfree
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« Reply #1342 on: December 19, 2025, 03:40:25 AM » |
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A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.
“Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?”
“Me son,” the Newfie said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Deez lobsters are me pets.”
“Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.”
“Well, I’s had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em meself, I did. I can lets ’em go play, and when I calls ’em they comes right back to me.”
The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, me b’ys”.
The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.
“That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.”
The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”
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Flyingfree
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« Reply #1343 on: December 19, 2025, 03:45:44 AM » |
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An angel asked God what he was doing. "Making Canadians," the Lord said. "Awww they're so nice," said the angel "Oh yeah? Watch this," said God as he dropped a hockey puck.
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1344 on: December 19, 2025, 12:31:47 PM » |
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Why is hunting better than dating? If you get a big one, you can tell all of your friends. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1345 on: December 19, 2025, 08:00:55 PM » |
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I was recently asked to run a marathon....
At first I said "Naaaah"...Then they said to me
"Come on..its for handicapped and blind kids.
Then I thought...."what to heck...I could win this!!"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1346 on: December 22, 2025, 04:44:57 AM » |
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Cops: "How did your husband die?"
Wife: "He drank some poison"
Cops: "Why does he have bruises all over his body?"
Wife: "He didnt want to take it"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1347 on: December 23, 2025, 12:29:37 PM » |
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My son is a military "Bomb Squad Technician".
Last year it took him 9 hours to open his Christmas present!!
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1348 on: December 23, 2025, 12:37:43 PM » |
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I fired my fruit truck delivery driver today I had to let the mango. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1349 on: December 24, 2025, 08:59:10 AM » |
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Do you know why reindeer have bells on their harness?
To let people know they are coming cause their horns dont work!....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1350 on: December 29, 2025, 06:35:36 AM » |
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I know that you guys yearn for that woman with the coke bottle figure but that busted open can of biscuits you got is all you ever gonna get.
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1351 on: December 29, 2025, 08:56:14 AM » |
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What do you call karate for people with one arm? Partial arts. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1352 on: January 01, 2026, 04:40:17 PM » |
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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge....
"Its not working...I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place."
I opened the fridge....
The light came on....
The beer was cold....
What to heck is she talking about?....
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1353 on: January 02, 2026, 10:12:27 AM » |
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Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year’s toast. Hay Jimmyt |
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Serk
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« Reply #1354 on: January 11, 2026, 09:22:14 AM » |
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So there's this crusty old Sergeant Major and he's really tense and uptight.
One night he's at a military ball and this beautiful young woman comes up to him and says "Sergeant Major, you look so tense. When was the last time you got laid?"
He replied, "I haven't had sex since 1950."
The woman was shocked. "1950?" She said, "That's so long ago! Why don't you come back here and I'll help you loosen up?"
So she takes him into this dark back room. He knows all the angles, all the moves, he rocks her world. Afterward she's laying on her back panting and she says "Wow, you haven't forgotten anything since 1950, huh?"
He replies, "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now!"
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away...  IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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da prez
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« Reply #1355 on: January 12, 2026, 09:05:32 AM » |
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So I had a day off. Sat in the recliner ,naked eating Doritos , ice cream watching big screen TV. Then Walmart called in security  da prez |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1356 on: January 13, 2026, 05:22:59 AM » |
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Did you hear about the Storm Troopers who ate a small Wookie? They said it was a little chewy. Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1357 on: January 13, 2026, 05:23:36 AM » |
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What did the spy say when someone stole his glasses? I’ll find who did it. I have contacts. Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1358 on: January 13, 2026, 05:24:27 AM » |
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How do you paddle an ambiguous boat? Either oar........ Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1359 on: January 13, 2026, 05:26:18 AM » |
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President Lincoln’s steakhouse was a huge success until he declared seasoning unconstitutional. Customers were stunned to learn he’d abolished savory. Hay Jimmyt |
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