What to do with mother. (not valk related)

[alph]

I know this webpage is filled with a lot of older guys that have most likely gone threw what I’m starting to go threw. 

My mother is 78 years old, in excellent health physically, but she is slowly loosing her mind to Alzheimer’s. 

My father died last December of lung cancer.  His brain was 100% perfect so he was taking great care of our mother.  They were married for 55 years, celebrated it on November 20th, just before he died.

Mom doesn’t want to leave the house they’ve built together.  She’s got several fruit trees in the back yard that she loves taking care of, albeit they were my father’s favorite hobby.

She’s already started the stove on fire, and many of her cooking habits are questionable.  Such as, dipping a cookie into salsa, sorta thing. 

Anyone that has ever dealt with alzheimers knows what it’s like.  It is a death far worse then any cancer could possibly be.  Watching a person that once took care of you, cooked for you, encouraged you, and now needs you in a way that you can not possibly be of any assistance to.   

I find it hard to call her every weekend like I use to.  She doesn’t recognize my voice, and when she does relearn who I am, she quickly forgets.

Her father had the same thing.  I remember as a child watching this man slowly going crazy.  Arguing with us that we were stealing his shoes, or taking his money.  He was an incredibly strong man physically, but mentally, he could not even remember what country he was in.  He lived to be 93, the disease started when he was 75.  Eighteen years of hell for the old man and his family.  Bouncing him around from brother to sister for a month stay at each of their homes.  I don’t know if that was more insanity for the old man then the disease itself. 

I watch myself now.  Forty three years old.  Doing the same things my mother did when she was my age.  Constantly forgetting my own kids names, were did I put the car keys?  Oh yeah, they’re here in my hand.  Wondering, will I be a burden on my children when I’m old.  One thing seems to be for certain, there will be no cure for the disease.  There will be not magic pill.

What to do with myself?

Will my children be okay?

[Rowdy]

  Not a good situation

I have 93 year mom - fortunetly she is alert and strong - taking her out to breakfeast shortly

They do have places for  Alzheimer’s patients - visted one last week visited an 88yr old USMC Veteran,  not to bad of a place - still sad trying to communicate   
It did make his day   

[Smokinjoe-VRCCDS#0005]

I have no suggestions about what you need to do with your Mother thats something only you can make the call on 

Is it a proven fact that Alzheimer’s is hereditary ?
My great,great Grand-Mother had it and as far as as I know she is the only one in my family to do so.

[R J]

Just make sure you have a LONG TERM care insurance policy on her....

My mom had the disease as I call it and I have taken out a policy to save some of my $$$$ for the wife and kids future, if we have one with Obama Care..

[Jabba]

All you can do man is take care of yourself.  They think aluminum might contribute to alzheimers onset.  In another 25 years... they might have it figured out.  Or... by then, they might have figured out that allowing a person to choose euthanasia is a dignified solution for some people.

Both of my parents died young.  58 and 61.  My wife's grandma had alzheimers and it was not fun, but her dad jst died of cancer, and I can't say one was worse thant he other.

Take care of yourself brother.  Hope for the best, that's all ANY of us can do.

Jabba

[Jabba]

You might ask RJ what having alzheimers is like...

Just kidding RJ.  you da man!

Jabba

[Quicksilver]

The thing that hurts the most seems to be when they forget you. It's frustrating. I recall my grandfathers final years. I'd experience the same thing when visiting. Speaking with a friend last week, his method is to say Hi, I'm Greg Dunn Your son and I love You. Then he'd give him a hug.

[RTaz]

Hi alph...unfortunately my wife Devon and I are facing very similar circumstances with Devon's mom...we had to move her into an apartment where care can be provided...we took her to several doctors, she has had a evaluation on the extent of her disease and we are waiting for those results...they do have several types of medicine that can help her...they won't stop the disease but can slow it down...one doctor told us its like a leaky faucet dripping into a glass...the glass only holds so much then it overflow's, the faucet continues to drip and the glass will continue to overflow there is no stopping it....you need to do what is best for her, but you also need to live your life, that's the hard part.  We have also learned that we cannot do this alone, we need the help of professional's... 

[bamalancedriver]

i am going through this with my mom right now. she is also very healthy but her mind is gone. you need to look into all the nursing homes in your area and find one that you and your family is comfortable with. they are very expensive but sometimes this is the best for them cause it is a slower pace and there are others there that are her age. i now that it breaks your heart each time you talk/see her. i cry each time i visit my mom. please don't bounce her around your siblings homes it upsets them alot because we tried to do this. it is a hard decision but talk with others it helps

[Jess from VA]

Alph, there is quite a bit of useful information on Alzheimer's on-line.  It would be worth your time doing research into all aspects of the disease.  There are drugs and homeopathic remedies discussed which do not cure it, but can slow the process.  My 81yo father was a phi beta kappa certified professional civil engineer for 35 years, and one of the smartest, quickest thinking men I ever knew.  He is beginning to be affected by Alzheimer's and knows it and is fighting it the best he can with diet, exercise, and homeopathic treatment.  Best of luck my friend.

[alph]

I do greatly appreciate all the responses.

The hardest part is that she lives in Phoenix AZ, and we’re up here in Wisconsin!  I have a brother that lives 7 miles away, but he’s too busy with his one daughter, the other just moved to Chicago.

It is an insane thought, but it could work, if I use the FMLA (family medical leave act) I could ride the cycle down there for the summer, (better thought would be for winter) take care of her for 12 weeks, then come back to my job. 

My father did get an insurance policy that pays out $130 grand for in home assistance, but the person can not live in the same house! (of course I could lie and say I’m staying at my brothers and checking on her everyday)

Other experiences, idea’s and inputs are greatly welcome!!

Al.

[sheets]

 If she lives alone . . . and starting fires in the kitchen . . ., not a good recipe.  Sounds like a candidate for "assisted living".  My mother-in-law has Alzheimer's.  In her home with her 60 year wedded husband, her daily routine was questionably livable for about the last six months before she took a turn for the worse.  There are some measurable standards of living (4 or 5) a doctor uses to determine if one can live alone, or the elderly spouse can continue to take of the other.  If they don't meet the criteria the person needs to have assistance, in home or otherwise.  Got to the point where dad-in-law could not care for her any longer.  She went in a skilled nursing facility back in October.  Month by month a measurable decline in state of mind.  Currently she has a few lucid moments during the day. They come and go like a wire short circuiting.  Once in awhile the wires will touch and the lights come on for thirty seconds or so, then the lights go out again.  For the most part nothing sensible is communicated.  She just turned 77 yrs.  She has been a prim and proper lady her entire life.  With the onset of Alzheimer's her vocabulary and form of expressing herself is as bad as the worst salty sailor you can imagine.  Weird.  Skilled nursing provides 24/7 care, but is expensive.  Is very painful for the family to go visit and witness her decline.  After being diagnosed about eighteen months ago, she is now in the advanced stage.  No easy answers.  I can't imagine her living alone much longer.                     

[R J]

You might ask RJ what having alzheimers is like...

Just kidding RJ.  you da man!

Jabba

Thanks for the laugh Jabba.   I needed that right about now.....

O2 24/7 is gettin to me.....   I'd like to shove it up someone's, well we won't go there just now.

Anyway, tanx again Brother.

[sugerbear]

went through this with my mother a few years ago.

do not leave her alone

pick a nursing home close to you, inform the administrator of the home you'll be coming by at  odd hours
to check on her. if they know you live close, can and will come by unexpected, they will take better care of her. (thats what i had to do), the vast majority of nursing homes are only in it for the money.
i'll see if i can get a list of phone numbers for you for wisconsin (reporting agencies). that will give you recourse to keep the nursing home on it's toes.
sad but thats the way most of them work.

pm me if you need the numbers and i'll get to work on it.

[Momz]

My brother and I had to put my Mother into an assisted living environmemt after our Dad died.

Mom had early onset Alzhiemers as well as brain cancer.

The one drug that did seem to slow the progresstion was "Airicept". Please ask her doctor to consider this drug for at least a short term trial. At this point, any help is a Godsend to your Mother and your family.

My sincerest condolences and prayers for Mom and your family.

[ArmyValker]

I'm not an old guy, but I have had some experience recently with this...

If it where ME, I'd be thinking... "I really don't want to make her move somewhere she's not comfortable, but how will I feel if she accidentally kills herself?"

I don't know buddy. I'll pray for you and her.

I'm sure if I where in that situation, I'd rather be left alone and what happens happens... that's just me personally.

[Jabba]

You might ask RJ what having alzheimers is like...

Just kidding RJ.  you da man!

Jabba

Thanks for the laugh Jabba.   I needed that right about now.....

O2 24/7 is gettin to me.....   I'd like to shove it up someone's, well we won't go there just now.

Anyway, tanx again Brother.

Sorry you're down RJ.  I know it sucks.  My brother is currently bed bound, a amputee, on O2 and suffering congestive heart failure.  He's so swolen he's like a sausage.  He hates the O2 as well.

Hang in there man.


Jabba

[Fathertime]

  Alph,
  My condolences on your mothers illness and the stress you must be suffering.  Strange enough, My father passed three years ago tomorrow. One of the things I promised Dad was that I'd take care of Mom for her.  Something we'd all do. 
  Care for your mom is beyond suggestions I'd know about but I do have one suggestion:
  Get in contact with a reliable estate planner. Again, I dont know your personal financial situation but if there are any funds or property involved, you would be well advised to get in contact with someone who knows the Social Security laws and other issues that may affect your fiscal situation.
  One of the things Dad was very concerned about was that all his hard work did not go to the state to pay for taxes, his medical care or any care Mom might need.  We ended up transfering title to his house to my name to protect that asset, gifting most of his liquid assets out and setting up a non revocable trust fund for mom.
  Laws in your state will vary, and no one wants to worry about money at a time like this, something to think about.

[Mike M in ohio]

I have an elderly neighbor, who I assist with snow shoveling in Winter. His wife of many decades is going through a similar ordeal. He has signed her up for a day program five days per week. She is picked up by a mini-van, and is in a supportive, caring program from 8AM til 3:30Pm. This relieves some of the constant stress on family.
     Perhaps, disconnecting stove, incorporating such a day program, and adding an aide to prep meals in the evening, could keep her home among her plantings a bit longer.
     Hope these ideas help in some way. God Bless.        Mike in N.Y.

[Brovietnam]

I just got back from seeeing my father who is in a nursing home.  Dementia or alzheimers, it is difficult to watch a person that raised you go through this.  I am lucky as he did recognize me by name, two of the three times that I went to visit.  the third time my sister and her husband went with me and I think trying to handle the three names was a little much.  He always asks about his brothers ans sisters, all departed, and has been increasingly talking about his mother.  Interesting and frightening at the same time.