• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
