Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

Psychiatrist and patient



Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.

 
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going  crazy!"

 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.  
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of  those fears."


 
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit,  replied the doctor."
 
 
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.
 
 
Six months later  the doctor met Jerry on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me about
those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

 
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money,
I went and bought me a new pickup!"


 
"Is that so! And How, may I ask, did  a bartender cure you?"


 
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

[Jess from VA]

Italian cork soakers	powered by Aeva

[GreenLantern57]

For the ladies!

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round!

Who says the big guy doesn't have a sense of humor!

[HayHauler]

Ok, it's 8 oclock Saturday morning and I am crying after watching the Cork Soakers...  hahahahaha

P.S.  My wife BJ also...  

Thanks Jess!

Hay  
Jimmyt

[fuzzy2bucks]

I always wondered about corks .

 

[Westernbiker]

Cop-speak Translated


While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

[Westernbiker]

Never Say To A Cop...


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Westernbiker]

Traffic Stop


Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that crap with me!"

[Westernbiker]

Circle Flies


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Westernbiker]

Asshole Stretcher


A guy speeding over a bridge, late for work, gets stopped by a cop standing on the bridge operating radar.

After being stopped the cop asks the man what his profession is and he replied "A professional asshole stretcher."

The cop, being curious, asks "Exactly what does a professional asshole stretcher do?"

The driver explains that he starts with a small asshole and continues to stretch it until its six feet tall.

The cop asks the driver "What do you do with a six foot asshole."

The driver responds "Apparently give him a radar and stand him on a bridge."

[Westernbiker]

Ouch!

How does the LAPD play poker?

Four clubs beat a king.

[fuzzy2bucks]

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:


 
  On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

  One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to   sink.

  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



 


  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.




  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.


 Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping

 he still had time to save his friend's life.




  Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


  Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. 

 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


  The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


  The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)


*





  'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Texting abbreviations for Seniors




FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

 
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair


ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

 
DWI: Driving While Incontinent

 
LOL: Living On Lipitor

 
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

 
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

 
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

 
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?

 
WTF: Wet The Furniture

 
IMHMO: In My HMO…

 
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

 
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

 
GTG: Gotta Groan


TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock – Early Bird Special)

 
FWB: Friend With Betablockers

 
FYI: For Your Indigestion…


 
TTYL: Talk To You Louder

 
MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget


LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

 
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On


MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor


SUS: Speak Up, Sonny


WIWYA: When I Was Your Age (my favorite)

 
GOML: Get Off My Lawn


DYST:    Do you sex text

[fuzzy2bucks]

RETIREMENT BONUS


 The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of  $72,000.



 The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.



 The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

   
. . . . ." From the tip of my weenie to my testicles".

 It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

 But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
 
 The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip ofthe Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,   ''Where are your testicles?''

*


 The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Where do you stick the gas filler nozzle? . . .  It's got me buffaloed!








*

[fuzzy2bucks]

There are 11 people in this picture:   11 Faces




If you find 8, you have an ordinary power of observation.

Find 9, you have above average power of observation.

Find 10, you are very observant. Congratulate yourself.

Find 11, you are extremely observant. Very intuitive and creative.

You can rival the observant power of Sherlock Holmes.


PS: The further you get from the image, the more the faces appear…

[fuzzy2bucks]

Why, Why, Why






Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?






Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?





Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?





Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?






Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?





Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?





Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?






Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?






Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?





If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?





Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?






Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?





Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?





Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?






Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?






How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?






Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?






In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?





How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?





And my FAVORITE......






The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. 

[Westernbiker]

The Rules

...from the male side - note they are all numbered 1

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1) Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you - learn to live with it.

1) Sunday equals sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1) Don't ever cut your hair. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

1) Shopping is not a sport and we will never think of it as such.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

1) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays etc. on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1) Come to us with your problems only if you want help solving them. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

1) A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1) Check your oil. Please.

1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 24 hours.

1) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us - we refuse to answer.

1) If we said something that can be interpreted two ways and one way makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

1) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1) If you already know how best to do something, just do it yourself.

1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1) You have enough clothes.

1) You have too many shoes.

1) Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are to you.

1) I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

1) Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

1) Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

1) Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

1) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1) Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

1) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

1) No, it does not matter which quiz.

1) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

1) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

1) Women wearing Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

1) More women should wear Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

1) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

1) Pumpkin is also a fruit.

1) If it itches, it will be scratched.

1) If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

1) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1) If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

1) Thank you for reading this and yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

[Westernbiker]

Men stuff

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat
Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Westernbiker]

Being A Guy Is Great Because

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you  tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything  different?" 

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet. 

One mood, ALL the damn time. 

You can open all your own jars. 

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind. 

You can go to a public toilet without a support group. 

You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 

You can kill your own food. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be  your friend. 

If you are 30 and single, nobody notices. 

Everything on your face stays its original color. 

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming. 

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for  hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." 

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just  might become lifelong friends. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 

You don't have to shave below your neck. 

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December  24th, in 45 minutes. 

The world is your urinal.

[Westernbiker]

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly)

5. I don't date women where I work.) (You're ugly)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly)

[Westernbiker]

Why dogs are better than women

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is pretty, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Debenhams or Harvey Nicols.

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Taters. . . .  Does your personality trait match your tater?

Are you a Dick Tater or a Hezzie Tater?
 



Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.

They are called “Spec Taters”.




Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.

They are called “Comment Taters”.

 



Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.

They are called “Dick Taters”.




Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called “Agie Taters”.

 


There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.

They are called “Hezzie Taters”.
 



Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called “Immy Taters”.
 


Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
 
They are called “Sweet Po Taters”.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Healing



GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.


THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON
THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.


GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER
ARTHRITIC HIP. GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV
AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.


GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD
COOT...

THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE  DEAD!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

A Genie in a lamp and was given one wish. "I wish to be absolutely irresistible to women" the guy says,,,,,, Poooffffff the Genie turned him into a . . . .




*






Visa Card !


*

...

International sign of Marriage

[fuzzy2bucks]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have a! n office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?


ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[fuzzy2bucks]

China is the new Texas.    Really Big Swimming pools.



Please don't pee in the pool.














`

[Westernbiker]

'True' Doctor Stories

"At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient."

"One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"

"I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly." Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. "

"During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. "

"While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

"I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY jelly."

[Westernbiker]

RATED PG13

Naming Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:

Tylenol is acetamophen,

Aleve is naproxen,

Amoxil is amoxicillin,

advil is abuprofen, and so on.

The FDA have been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and has announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were:

mycoxafailin,

mydixadrupin,

mydixarizin,

mydixadud,

dixafix

and of course,

ibepokin.

[Westernbiker]

Nursing Home

One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you well", they ask.

“It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

[Westernbiker]

Golfing Injury

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake....."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[fuzzy2bucks]

A fishing license expires, why shouldn't other licenses?





*







or is it a good deal to have to pay only once for a Marriage License?

[Cliff]

“Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a Great Gift for the Wife”

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc Of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . . . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note Of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by A violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he__!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits! (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Valks in Hell



There were 3 men - Dave, Jon, and Sam... They were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died...

    Now, they all stood there, at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them and said -"You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven...You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly..."


    The angel looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave,were a bad man! You cheated on your wife 4 times!!! For this, you will drive around Heaven on an oldbeat-up Jawa moped..."


    The angel next looked at Jon and said- "You, Jon, were not as evil....But you still cheated on your wife 2 times... For this, you will forever travel around heaven on an AMF Harley Davidson ..."


    The angel finally looked at our hero...Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven on a Honda Valkyrie.


     A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up on their cycles next to Sam's Valk...There Sam sat on the ground in front of his magnificent Valk, head in hands, crying...
    "What's wrong, Sam??? they asked... "You got the Valk !!! You are set forever!!! Why so down???"


    Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."

[Westernbiker]

Preventing Disease

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[Westernbiker]

Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.

Ma said "What was that for?"

Pa said "For forty years of bad sex."

Ma said "Oh," and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa.

Pa said "What was that for?"

Ma said "For knowing the difference."

[Westernbiker]

Sex And The Over 90's

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the cursed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[Westernbiker]

Problems Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[Westernbiker]

You Know You're Old...

...When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

...When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

...When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

...You and your teeth don't sleep together.

...Your back goes out, but you stay home.

...You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

...It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

...Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

...Happy hour is a nap.

...When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

...Your idea of weight lifting is standing up

...It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
...Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

...The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

...It takes twice as long to look half as good.

...The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

...You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

...You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

...You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

...You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

...You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

...You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

...You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

...You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

...Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

...Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

...You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

...Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

...If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

...Your eyes won't get much worse.

...Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

...Things you buy now won't wear out.

...No one expects you to run into a burning building.

...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

...You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

...You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

...Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

...You start video taping daytime game shows.

...You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

...At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

...Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

...Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

...It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

...You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

...You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

...You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

...You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

...You look both ways before crossing a room.

...You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

...You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

...You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

...Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

...Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

...The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

...All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

...The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

...Your back goes out more than you do.

...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

...You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

...You are proud of your lawn mower.

...Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

...Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

...You sing along with the elevator music.

...You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

...You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

...You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

...You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

...Neighbors borrow your tools.

...People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

...You have a dream about prunes.

...You send money to PBS.

...The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

...You take a metal detector to the beach.

...You wear black socks with sandals.

...You know what the word "equity" means.

...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

...Your ears are hairier than your head.

...You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

...You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

...You got cable for the weather channel.

...You can go bowling without drinking.

...You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

...Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

...You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

...Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

...Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

...Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

...You look forward to a dull evening.

...Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

...You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

...You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

...You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

...You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

...You don't remember being absent minded.

..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

...Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

...Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

[Jess from VA]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.