Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. .


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck
11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and

unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.     



Still Having a Bad Day? 
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.

 Are Ya OK Now? - No?

 Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 What? STILL having a Bad Day?

 Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb.  It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[fuzzy2bucks]

The HUMOR THREAD. . .


Medicare coverage in a nutshell -



The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."

[fuzzy2bucks]

HUMOR THREAD  CONT'd


British Al Qaeda on Strike


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda Lawyers have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this June from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.

[alph]

hey, tell that one about the guy in the woods with the bear!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Your turn Alph!, I don't want to hog the thread.

[laserpat]

What is Celibacy?

 


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
 
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
 
 And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

 

 

[Chrisj CMA]

When Obama was visiting England he complimented the Queen on how expertly she ran the government.  He asked how she kept things running so smoothly.  She anwered.  "I surround myself with intelligent people"  Obama says....."I try that but it doesnt work, how do you do it?"

The Queen responds...."I give everyone an intellegence test before the start"  WATCH.......she calls Prince Charles over and asks him......"If your parents have only one child and its not your brother and its not your sister, who is it?"  Prince Charles quickly answers.........."Its me"

Obama was amazed and couldnt wait.  When He got home he called in Joe Bidon and asked him..."Joe, If your parents have only one child and its not your brother or your sister, who is it?"  Joe needed some time.

As he walked around he saw Colin Powell walk into the restroom, he followed.  Hey Colin "if your parents have only one child and its not your brother or your sister, who is it?"  Colin promptly answeres..."thats easy its ME"

So, Joe goes back to Obama with the answer.  Obama says "Joe you got the answer?"  Joe says "Yep, its Colin Powell"

Obama is very dissapointed.  He replys "No, thats wrong........its Prince Charles you dummie!"

[alph]

Your turn Alph!, I don't want to hog the thread.

i only know one joke, and my kids hate it 'cause it's the only one i can remember.

are you ready, it's really dumb, and i've posted here before, goes like this;

a horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says
"gee buddy, why the long face".....

sorry.  i know, it's pretty lame......

[Trynt]

Your turn Alph!, I don't want to hog the thread.

i only know one joke, and my kids hate it 'cause it's the only one i can remember.

are you ready, it's really dumb, and i've posted here before, goes like this;

a horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says
"gee buddy, why the long face".....

sorry.  i know, it's pretty lame......

I like it

[Jess from VA]

[fuzzy2bucks]

Like the stick art.  Was wondering what she got for a grade for this piece of art?

[alph]

no, i really think she's a stripper that works at home depot on the side.

my daughter made a picture of a bunch of squigglie lines swirling around with two stick people in the middle, her caption was "stupid people stuck in a sand storm".  that one we kept!  still makes me smile.

[Jess from VA]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
 
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and

slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make

sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still

looked confused. So she looked all around the store

to see if it was empty. It was empty.


 

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.


 

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,

unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She

asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.


 

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,

come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'


 

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.


 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you

put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.


She fainted.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Cat goes to heaven      .  G  rated


A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the
asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a
farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow
to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went
to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer
that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats,
dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little
roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, everything is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy and soft, and those little
Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are simply delicious!"

[Jess from VA]

New seasonal hi-viz helmets (cheap).

[Jess from VA]

Gimme 5	powered by Aeva

[Jess from VA]

One more.

Evian Roller Babies international version	powered by Aeva

[Jess from VA]

They always ask at the doctor's office
why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing
the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my
pecker ."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and
say things like that."
 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told
you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in
private" 

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room
full of strangers if the answer could embarrass
anyone," the man said.
Then he walked out and waited
several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear,
sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Old wise man at the Mall


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.


'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

Are you a real Cowboy?


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to t he cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[fuzzy2bucks]

FISHING DILEMMA       .     . "G"  rated


Finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while
I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his
mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

 
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in
my bait bucket.

 
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

 
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in
its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into
the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog.

 
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

 
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[fuzzy2bucks]

FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN  (been around a few years ago, but worth another trip)

'G'  rated



 The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.   

 However, the gates are closed,

and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,

it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.   

I must   tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, 

and we have been administering 

an entrance examination for everyone.   

 The test is short, but you have to

pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.   

 But nobody ever told me about any entrance

exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

 Life was a big enough test

as it was.'


St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I

know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


 

First:

What two days of the week

begin with the letter T?


 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?


 

Third:

What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions over.   

 He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the

first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow..'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and

he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

for that answer.   How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.


'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds

in a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's

got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

you credit for that one, too.   

 Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'


'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated

and frustrated St Peter.


'Ok, I can understand how you

came up with your answers to my first two questions, 

 but just how in the

world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest

one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

[vanagon40]

Cowboy Boots, PG-13

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Bert says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat."

[fuzzy2bucks]

           

[Hoser]

Your turn Alph!, I don't want to hog the thread.

i only know one joke, and my kids hate it 'cause it's the only one i can remember.

are you ready, it's really dumb, and i've posted here before, goes like this;

a horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says
"gee buddy, why the long face".....

sorry.  i know, it's pretty lame......

For those football fans who remember the Bronco's all star quarterback: A Horse and John Elway walk into a bar, the bartender looked up and said OK fellas, why the long faces? Hoser
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Poor Bob

'PG'


Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at
the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, Geez Bob, you picked up a real _bydch_ this time"

[bigguy]

OK. You guys started this, so hush up and take it.

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided To take them to the county fair and sell them. 
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. 
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split Everything 50/50.. 
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' 
The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.' 
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more Than a week. 
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass. 
'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon, honking the horn.

[bigguy]

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH 
                   He writes: 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a male driver, forcing him to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the man as he stuck his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.  'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: 
 
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. 
That's 96 miles each day. 
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. 
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.   
 
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers! 
In any  given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.   
That's 642.   
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. 
That's 449. 
According to the National Institute of Health , 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. 
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. 
That's 33. 
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. 
 That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. 
 
Give her the finger?   
I don't think so.

[fuzzy2bucks]

 You know your in TEXAS or ARIZONA when. .



- The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

- The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

- Hot water now comes out of both taps.

- You can make sun tea instantly.

- You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

- The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

- You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your motorcycle.

- You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- You actually burn your hand opening the gas cap on your motorcycle.

- You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

- Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

- The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

- The cows are giving evaporated milk.

[bigguy]

A Fairy Tale

One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, gripe or
nag.
 
  








 
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.  
 
The End  
  

[bigguy]

Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95-years-old. She's sitting in a rocking chair on her front porch, holding Bob the cat whom she got a few years before when the Prince passed away. Suddenly, POOF, the Fairy God-Mother appears.
“Oh Cinderella,” she says. “80 years ago, I changed the course of your life. I've watched to see what you would do with the gifts I gave you, and I'm so pleased. You were a good influence on the Prince and together you were generous and magnanimous rulers. So now I've come back to offer you three wishes.”
“Oh Fairy God-Mother,” Cinderella says. “Yes, the Prince was generous, but he wasn't such a good financial manager. All I have now is this little shack, and I'm living hand to mouth off Social Security. I know it seems selfish, but I would so like to be wealthy again.”
“Why child,” says the Fairy God-Mother. “There is nothing wrong with wishing for good things. You were wise and generous with your first fortune and I'm sure you'll be equally kind with your second. I'll be glad to grant your wish.”
Suddenly the rocking chair, the shack, and everything in it turned to solid gold. “Now what would you like for your second wish?” asked the Fairy God-Mother.
“Oh Fairy God-Mother,” Cinderella answered. “Seeing you again reminds me of when we first met. I was so young and vibrant. I wish for my youth again.”
“You were such a beautiful child,” gushed the Fairy God-Mother. “It will give me such joy to see you so again.”
Poof ... Suddenly Cinderella was 15 again. She felt young and strong again. She also felt stirrings she hadn't experienced in decades.
“What would you like for your third wish?” Asked the Fairy God-Mother.
“Oh Fairy God-Mother,” said Cinderella. “I've been so lonely these last few years.”
Before she could finish, the Fairy God-Mother interrupted her. “Sweetheart.” she said. “If you were going to ask for your Prince back, I'm sorry. Even my powers fall short of that. You  will see him again, but not in this world. You will have to choose another wish.”
Cinderella was dejected and at first wasn't going to take the last wish. Then her eyes fell on Bob the cat backed into a corner, back arched hissing in fright.
“Oh Fairy God-Mother,” she said. “Bob has been such a faithful companion these last years, but he isn't human and I can't speak with him. Could you turn him into a human so that I would have someone to talk to?”
“I can do so much better than that.” she said with a twinkle in her eye. She waved her magic wand at Bob, then disappeared.
Suddenly, Bob stood on his back legs and began to grow larger. As he grew, his form began to change into that of a beautiful young man. As he reached full size, he had become the most handsome man Cinderella had ever seen. She could barely breath as she stared into bottomless hazel eyes, set in a finely chiseled face. “Bob?” she gasped.
“Cinderella.” he answered. Just the sound of her name uttered in that sensuous husky voice sent chills down her spine and warmth to her loins. He stepped forward, put his arm around her waist and bent her back. She caught a scent of lavender breath as his lips brushed her hair. Just the touch of his warm breath on her ear almost sent her over the precipice of ecstasy as she heard him whisper.
“I'll bet you wish now, you hadn't had me neutered!”

[Westernbiker]

A golfer walks into the pro shop after playing 18 holes. The pro behind the counter asks 'How did you do today?' The man replies. Well I only hit two good balls today and that was when I stepped on the rake coming out of the sand trap on number 10.

[bigguy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
 
   
 
   
 
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
 
   
 
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!
 
   
 
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me.
 
   
 
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.
 
   
 
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is  your definition of chicken?
 
   
 
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
thingy



CHENEY:  Where's my gun?
 
   
 
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
 
   
 
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
 
   
 
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.
 
   
 
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life,
I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
 
   
 
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.
 
   
 
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
 
   
 
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road.
It's as plain and as simple as that.
 
   
 
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have
access to the other side of the
road.
 
   
 
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
 
   
 
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
 
   
 
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 
   
 
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
 
   
 
STEVE JOBS: I have just released iChicken2008, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.
 
   
 
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
 
 
 
   
 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
 
   
 
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
 
   
 
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

[bigguy]

Was going to add this to the atheists in the woods thread, but it was locked.


A Pentecost preacher, a Baptist preacher,  and a Rabi are talking. One of them says that there's really no challenge to preaching to the congregation. A real test would be to preach to a bear. So they all agree to go into the wilderness, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later they meet again. The Pentecost preacher had a bandage on his cheek.
"Did you find a bear?" the Baptist preacher asks.
"Oh yeah," says the Pentecost. "I started preaching to him, but he didn't like what I had to say. He reached out a clawed me across the cheek. But I just reached out and put my hand on his forehead and called down the spirit of the lord. That ol bear began to shake, he rolled over on his back, stated speaking in tongues."
The baptist preacher came forward. He had an arm in a sling and bruises all over his face.
"Did you find a bear?" asked the Pentecost preacher.
"I certainly did!" said the baptist. "I started giving him a fire and brimstone sermon and really telling him about hell fires. Well, he didn't like what I had to say one bit. He jumped on me, bit my arm and broke it. Then we started wrestling something fierce. We rolled down a hill until we landed in a creak. I saw my chance. I grabbed that ol bear by the back of the neck and gave him a good baptizing. He was singing Amazing grace last time I saw him."
Now the Rabi rolled forward, He was in a wheel chair. Both arms and both legs were in casts and he had tube coming out him and was covered in bandages.
"Looks like you sure found a bear." the preachers said.
"Oy!" said the Rabi. "I don't think I should have started with the circumcision!

[fuzzy2bucks]

World's worst first date!
 

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake.

On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Jay went into the audience to find the
most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described
her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy met
her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip ( no overnight). They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun
but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle ! of
no where. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there
came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she
let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking! All she could think
about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation. As she bent to pull
up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued
against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply
that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater.
Then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the
icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in
the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get
her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down. ...And you thought your
first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. 

[fuzzy2bucks]

U. S. Marine



The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifiis using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"


This time, the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.




The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[fuzzy2bucks]

If large chested women work at Hooters,

where do one-legged women work?..

HINT: It's another restaurant chain.

(scroll down)






















(scroll down)



















IHOP!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Novice motorcycle rider


A young lady pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic the engine died.

He works on it for a few minutes - it idles smoothly.

She says ' so whats the story '

He says ' Just crap in the carburetor '

`
`
`
She says ' so........how often do I have to do that?'

[fuzzy2bucks]

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it
was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"


The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

'Old men can still think fast'.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Not your normal Flight Attendant


Flight Attendent


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed
Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."


She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."


To which ! (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you... Tray-up,  - Bydch -."