Tuesday Teasers...... early edition

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener
to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an
anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove
that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,
notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.