We’ve all been there.....
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
me that if you eat it, the next day, both of your butt cheeks WILL fall
off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and
lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first, all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.
Well, I made it......sort of. As I bolted into the restroom while squeezing my butt checks
together with my hands, I realized there was a guy in the stall...and there was
only one stall. I heard myself scream “OH crap, OH crap”...I had no control.
I was utterly consumed with panic and horror until I noticed an open urinal in the corner.
I seriously considered the urinal knowing I only had seconds remaining....then I heard the toilet flush!
“HURRY UP, HURRY UP” I yelled. As the guy was coming out, he eyed me suspiciously.
I turned sideways and went around him slamming the stall door behind me. The door immediately
bounced back open but I didn’t care. At that moment I had no shame and did not care if the
whole world was standing there watching.
In one furious fluid motion that could never duplicated, I somehow managed to spin around,
yank down my pants and underwear at the same time (with the belt still fastened and zipper up)
and began to sit......almost. My butt was about 12 inches from the seat when the dam busted loose.
In all of my 52 years on this earth, I have never experienced such pleasure and pain in the same instant.
I screamed and sighed loudly at the same time. It was blissful. I then heard the restroom door open. As I
looked up I saw a guy walk in the restroom. He stopped and looked me square in the eyes and then
it hit him. “OH My GOD” he said as he ran out slamming the door behind him.
After the third flush, I just sat there for several minutes trying to regain my composure and what was left of my dignity.
I’m certain that everyone in Wal-Mart that day somehow shared my experience. I know the lady in the baking aisle did.
So did the people between the bakery and the restroom. So did my predecessor in the stall as well as the gentleman
that walked into the restroom in the wake of the disaster.
I picked up my butt cheeks and quietly left the restroom and the store. I didn’t even bother going back for the cart.
