Saturday Sillies.....( Late edition )

[kiwi#9582]

Jim Stevenson was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant....Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashes to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"
"I hope you're proud of yourself !"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"
"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed... The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just f---ing with you."
She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

[Fritz The Cat]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner runt,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

[kiwi#9582]