Story of the taser

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweetheart, Beverly. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my girl, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Bev what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two itsy bitsy trippel A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my bird Cookie, he's a Cockatoo,,looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Cookie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a sweet
bird, and smart too. But, if I was going to give this thing to my girl to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Cookie looking on, with his head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
MOLEY, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and a tingling in my legs. The bird
was making laffing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body f lopping all over the living
room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?????

SON-OF-A-B****!!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape.

WASN'T PRETTY!!!!!

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm fairly certain I'll be able
to piss a steady stream of sparks now, I'm still looking for my nuts
and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

I doubt like hell the bird will ever trust me either....

P. S. Beverly loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Well thats my story and I still aint found them little furry things I used to have.....