Friday funnies...early edition

THE LOST BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LETTER FROM A FARM KID

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't
walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me,
but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Darlene