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« Reply #520 on: November 19, 2022, 02:53:07 PM » |
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Possum Plagues at the Churches
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the Possums were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the Possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the Possums drown themselves. The Possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many Possums showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their Possums and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the Possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the Possums with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk Possums can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the Possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see the possums at Christmas and Easter
At the Jewish synagogue, they took the first Possum and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a Possum since.
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Serk
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« Reply #521 on: November 20, 2022, 11:01:30 AM » |
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John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away...  IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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f6john
Member
Posts: 9312
Christ first and always
Richmond, Kentucky
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« Reply #522 on: November 24, 2022, 02:05:03 PM » |
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
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ridingron
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« Reply #523 on: November 24, 2022, 02:42:16 PM » |
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I saw a couple of blind guys fighting. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I said my money is on the guy with the knife.
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #524 on: November 24, 2022, 04:43:17 PM » |
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
Feeling pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this but, please tell me the difference. One wheel? |
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f6john
Member
Posts: 9312
Christ first and always
Richmond, Kentucky
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« Reply #525 on: November 24, 2022, 06:31:47 PM » |
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
Feeling pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this but, please tell me the difference. Rams What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
Feeling pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this but, please tell me the difference. One wheel? Attire! |
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #526 on: November 24, 2022, 07:37:00 PM » |
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
Feeling pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this but, please tell me the difference. Rams What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?
Feeling pretty sure I'm going to regret asking this but, please tell me the difference. One wheel? Attire! And a wheel.  It was a play on words which works best spoken. Attire or a tire. They sound the same.  |
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Serk
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« Reply #527 on: November 25, 2022, 07:48:41 AM » |
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(Me in the future, except the reply from my spawn would be "It's about time!".... to either possibility)
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me yet again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
“Like arguing politics on the VRCC forum and drinking Scotch is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of planes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club”.
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!”. The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as an over 60 is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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da prez
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« Reply #528 on: November 25, 2022, 08:28:28 AM » |
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And they all tell me to act my age . I am , I'm going on 76 and acting my age as I see fit. Never been this age before and will not read the instruction manual.
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #529 on: November 30, 2022, 02:09:53 PM » |
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My kids refused to eat left over tacos for dinner. My wife said to throw them out so I did. No idea what to do with the tacos.
I told my wife she needed to embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug.
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« Last Edit: November 30, 2022, 02:36:30 PM by John Schmidt »
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DIGGER
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« Reply #530 on: December 01, 2022, 10:28:18 AM » |
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If I waited till I had all my ducks in a row...I would never make it across the street.....
Sometimes you just have to gather what ya got and make a run for it!!'
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DIGGER
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« Reply #531 on: December 01, 2022, 10:30:10 AM » |
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Some days I just AMAZE myself!!!....
Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #532 on: December 03, 2022, 10:04:30 AM » |
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Did you hear about the guy that just evaporated? He'll be mist!  |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #533 on: December 05, 2022, 10:24:45 AM » |
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Going to the state fair joke reminds me of when my two cousins...brothers, and I went to the Nat'l. Cattle Congress in Waterloo, Iowa one year as preteens with their parents. One of the exhibits had a guy giving a lecture/demonstration on stage that included how static electricty was generated and used. One demo had him holding a metal safety helmet next to a Van de Graaff and watching his hair fly away from his head. He then called for a volunteer so myself and the older of the brothers all pointed to the younger one then shoved him toward the stage. He stood there kinda dumbfounded while glaring at us in the front row. The demo guy asked him his name....he said "Marvin." The guy asked his last name...Marv says "Asfahl" which was an old family name under many different spellings throughout the world. The demo guy then asked Marv a question that brought the house down; "son, is that your name or your condition?" His old brother Neil and I got in trouble with their parents, my aunt and uncle. Seems they didn't take kindly to us voluteering Marv, then rolling on the floor laughing over the "name or condition" question. Later in life, Marv changed his last name to his mother's maiden name to honor her. I still tease him the only reason he did it was because of that day at the Congress all those many years ago. |
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Robert
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« Reply #534 on: December 06, 2022, 04:48:48 AM » |
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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
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DIGGER
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« Reply #535 on: December 06, 2022, 03:41:37 PM » |
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Subject: Perspective
Steve lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:
"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses"
"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The jerk had a paper route."
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Robert
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« Reply #536 on: December 09, 2022, 03:11:20 PM » |
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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
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DIGGER
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« Reply #537 on: December 09, 2022, 08:37:45 PM » |
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>
> The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to
> keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
>
>
> When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children
> just like the bottle says.
>
> If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed.
> We’re having a meeting.l
>
> Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it
> just me?
>
> I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech
> support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
>
> Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite
> apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
>
> Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be
> ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
>
> So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
>
> I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
>
> I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the
> "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
> Old age is coming at a really bad time.
>
> If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
>
> Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
> yet.
>
> Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to
> transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
>
> Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me
> or have I only sent one copy?
>
> The Commandments for Seniors……
>
> You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you
> off.
>
> Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that
> needs work.
>
> "On time" is, when you get there.
>
> Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
>
> It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
> minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
>
> Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
>
> "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #538 on: December 11, 2022, 05:47:09 AM » |
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I got pulled over on the way back home from grabbing McDonald’s with my niece. I was going 12 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my car, I rolled all of my windows down.
My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7-year-old niece started screaming from the backseat “It’s coming out! I can’t hold it any longer! It’s almost here!!!” Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this, and he leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???”
She looks him DEAD IN THE FACE and says, “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!” He started laughing! I was shocked and embarrassed! He asked how far I had to go, which was about 3 miles home.
He told me to drive safe and get Miss Pupu Butt home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing! As soon as we pulled away I asked, “What was that about???”
My niece smirked and said, “I saw it on YouTube, but I didn’t think it would work.” I said “So, you’re not pooping?” She said nope and you're not in trouble either. This lil girl is my hero!!!
Haha...good story! |
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Robert
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« Reply #539 on: December 11, 2022, 05:20:02 PM » |
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The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub near Dublin. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passerby stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?” “Fishing, replied the old man.” Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.” In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
"You're the 8th", replied the old man.
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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #540 on: December 12, 2022, 04:54:46 PM » |
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5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid." ========================================================= A lot of young folk would do well to give this some thought.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #541 on: December 13, 2022, 11:56:29 AM » |
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When you come out of lockdown you will be either a monk...a hunk...a chunk...or a drunk.....
Make wise choices
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Serk
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« Reply #542 on: December 14, 2022, 10:05:13 AM » |
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Dogs prepare you for babies.
Cats prepare you for teenagers.
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #543 on: December 14, 2022, 10:29:35 AM » |
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Dogs prepare you for babies.
Cats prepare you for teenagers.
Ha!....good comparison |
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Serk
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« Reply #544 on: December 14, 2022, 05:37:00 PM » |
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Never make snow angels in a dog park.
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #545 on: December 16, 2022, 06:52:17 AM » |
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I asked a supermarket market worker where they kept the tinned peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another and he also said, "I'lI see," and walked away.
In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #546 on: December 16, 2022, 11:26:31 AM » |
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Brain cells...hair cells...skin cells all die constantly.....
But fat cells seem to live forever.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #547 on: December 16, 2022, 03:46:04 PM » |
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1st lady: "How did you meet your husband?"
2nd lady: "I'm a pharmacist. He came in and wanted to buy some condoms. Said he needed them XXXXXXXL. It was only after we were married that I found out he stuttered."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #548 on: December 20, 2022, 07:42:35 AM » |
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Have you noticed that "THE" and "IRS" put together spells "THEIRS".
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DIGGER
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« Reply #549 on: December 20, 2022, 03:27:22 PM » |
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Christmas day and the family all came in from out of town for a big family dinner. The Father was conversing with his grown and married son and just catching up on what each is up to these days. During the conversation the son asked the Father "How is Moms health these days?" The father said "well, she is doing ok....just her hearing is getting really bad." The son said "well....how bad is her hearing?" The Father said "Well come in the kitchen where she is washing dishes right now and I'll show you." They slip into the kitchen and the wife is at the sink washing dishes with her back to them. She is about 20 feet away and the father says in a normal voice "Honey...what is for supper tonight?" She didn't say anything he stepped 5 feet closer and again says "Honey....whats for dinner tonight?"....no response. He steps 5' closer and again says "Honey...whats for dinner tonight?" no response. He steps right up behind her....puts his arms around her waist and says "Honey....whats for dinner tonight?"................She turns around and looks him in the eye and says "Honey.....for the fourth time....we are having spagetti and meatballs.".......
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Jess from VA
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« Reply #550 on: December 21, 2022, 09:32:52 AM » |
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off
the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel sitting on top of the
Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
(Merry Christmas everyone)
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DIGGER
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« Reply #551 on: December 23, 2022, 03:10:54 PM » |
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Hope I didnt get this joke off this thread..... if so...here it is again....
The IRS has returned my Tax Return after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, ..."Do you have anyone dependent on you?" I wrote: "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians." The IRS stated that my response I gave was unacceptable. My response back to the IRS was..."Who did I leave out?" They did not reply
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DIGGER
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« Reply #552 on: December 24, 2022, 06:30:28 AM » |
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Three Kinds Of Men
There are three kinds of men in this world...
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened???
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DIGGER
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« Reply #553 on: December 24, 2022, 09:27:38 PM » |
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VERY, VERY SAD DAY.
The grandson of a very good friend of mine, after 7+ yrs. of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He had sex with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian!
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #554 on: December 30, 2022, 09:15:40 AM » |
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Wait just a minute...I'm not dirty and smelly after giving up all those things. |
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #555 on: December 30, 2022, 10:19:44 AM » |
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Wait just a minute...I'm not dirty and smelly after giving up all those things. You know, John, sometimes because one has acclimated to himself he is the last to know. |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #556 on: December 30, 2022, 03:34:39 PM » |
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up he said: " Does she still have the hiccups?"
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #557 on: December 30, 2022, 07:54:41 PM » |
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Wait just a minute...I'm not dirty and smelly after giving up all those things. You know, John, sometimes because one has acclimated to himself he is the last to know. Oh boy...no grace from this crowd. |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #558 on: January 01, 2023, 09:02:50 AM » |
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I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "Holiday Social gathering" with family or friends.
Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.
It was held at a great Italian restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.
On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me as I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Happy New Year to you and yours.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #559 on: January 05, 2023, 07:39:54 AM » |
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