Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[NCGhostrider]

I am calling mine too!   And I thought I was being smart when I spotted it, er...her shoulder...

[fuzzy2bucks]

Guns


A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.


"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."


"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."


"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"


"Not a freakin thing..."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Amish



*





*








*


Gone Bad to the Bone













`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Suing


Bubba calls an attorney and asks, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"


"Yes, Bubba, that is true."


"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them
fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries
... is that true, mister lawyer?"


"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"


"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them
bar flies I've been wakin' up with ? ".


"Well, if those Bar Flies were diseased and they infected you then you might have a good
case!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

5 Minute Management Course



Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson  3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S__t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Two Cajuns talking.


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first.
 
Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

 
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

 
Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Hillbilly Motorcycle









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

R  rated


Tree joke




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

 It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in"

[HayHauler]

"piece of ash"  hehe

Hay 
Jimmyt

[Westernbiker]

Ooops

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.

To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[Westernbiker]

Art Gallery

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" Asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Westernbiker]

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you.... your dad was glad he borrowed my costume, he seemed to have had a whale of a time!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Lost Credit Card


A man's credit card was stolen.

About a month later,after he recieved his statement, and he also recieved a call from the police. 'Sir, we have found the thief who stoled your credit card'.


Without missing a beat, he told the police to tet him keep it. The police, puzzled, asked him why, and the man replied . . .

'He spends less than my wife!'

[fuzzy2bucks]

The Talk



The headmistress of a girls' school asked a male friend who
was an author to give a talk to the pupils about sex.


After much persuasion, the man agreed but was too embarrassed to
tell his wife. So he told her that he was addressing the
school on sailing and wrote an appropriate entry in his
diary for that day.


The day after the talk, the headmistress
met the wife in the street. "Your husband was wonderful
yesterday, so illuminating. I know my girls learned a lot
from him."


"I can't think how," said the wife. "He's only tried it
twice. The first time he was sick and the second time he
lost his hat."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Dangerous situation



you are on a horse,galloping at a constant speed,
   

 on your right is a sharp drop,


 on your left is a elephant,traveling at the same speed as you,


 in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse wont go past it,


 behind is a lion, traveling at the same speed as you and the kangaroo,


 what do you do to get out of this very dangerous situation ?



Get off the Merry-go-round !   

[fuzzy2bucks]

Hardware Store



Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.


At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.


When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and
Carl went to the back room to find it.


From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"


Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Hillbilly wives




Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.


1st Hillbilly:   "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."


2nd   Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"


1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no   'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'!  My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"


1st Hillbilly: "Why   is that so stupid?"


2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no   plummin'!"


3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!  I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."


1st and 2nd   Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"


3rd Hillbilly: Cause she ain't go no tool.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Honeymoon



Please excuse the rough and frank language in the following story.
 
(We are all married, or have been married, or will be married, so I'm
assuming you can handle it)
 
 
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

 
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
 
 
"Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"
 
 
"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
 
 
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language --
things I'd never heard before!

 
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home...,PLEASE  MAMA!"
 
 
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your
husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?"

 
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

 
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

 
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
dust, wash, iron, cook, work..."

[Westernbiker]

PG13

Buying A Horse

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says 'there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a white horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?'

'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf,'can I thee her eyth?"

The owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

'Nith eyth', say the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'

With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses v@gina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'Pperhaps I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

[Westernbiker]

Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

[Westernbiker]

Amazing Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

[Westernbiker]

Old Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says

"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Do your ears pop at altitude?



John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine


Corps ace. As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought


F4U Corsair. As a major, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre during a


Korean War exchange tour.


Jack Bolt was a hoot! During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a

 
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the


mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible. Jack pretended not to notice and, upon


debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.


When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking


baby.... and he sure was hungry!"


Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her


pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. Jack snaps his fingers,


shook his head, and in true Marine Corps fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years


I've been chewing gum!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

New Invention



A British company is developing a computer chip that stores music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem:


Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bonde Logic



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the

other, "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida or the moon?"


The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Virgin Girl



A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On

 
their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm

 
still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if


you've been married ten times?"


"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how

great it was going to be.


Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
 
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


 
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


 
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

 
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

 
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss
him!, . . .   But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"


"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Jess from VA]

This was an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners it won 1st prize!

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.

[Westernbiker]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want . . . God is watching the apples."

[Westernbiker]

Kids' Advice

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9"

Never tell your mum her diet's not working." Michael, 14

"When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9

"Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8

[Westernbiker]

Kids On Relationships

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want any more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 6

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

[Westernbiker]

Prayers Before Bed

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Union gone insane. . .  Report form


http://i1203.photobucket.com/albums/bb390/dpen2/img002.jpg

[fuzzy2bucks]

LuLu and Grandma


Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.


As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed.



Grandma didn't know her occupation and stopped to say hi. She asked what the line was for. Lulu,



saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said


wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.


When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
 

He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"


She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"     The policeman fainted.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Daisy



A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.


Man: "What was that for?"


Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it?"


Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."


The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.
 

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he
is bonked on the head.
 

Man: "What's that for this time?"
 

Wife:  "Your Horse called".

[fuzzy2bucks]

Frog joke



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack.


"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his
name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan
with some collateral.
 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a
tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright
pink and perfectly formed.
 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to
consult with the bank manager and disappears into a
back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral."
 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"
 


*





*



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[fuzzy2bucks]

ONESTONE



Indian With One Testicle.   There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So


named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him


Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me


Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more Then one

 day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up,


 grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He


 made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that


 Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his


 given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many


 years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged


 him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


 then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made


 love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!   What is the moral of this


 story?????............................   OH, come on..take a guess!   Think about it.

 
(You're going to love this!)   And the moral is....You can't kill two birds with one stone.











`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Here little pussy cat . . .




*







*





*

[fuzzy2bucks]

Strange Young Couple




A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.


He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

 
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.


He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.


Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.


The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?

 
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

 
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.


Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?

 
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

 
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

 
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?


The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...







`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Men strike back




How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.



--------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand Closer to the kitchen sink.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


-------------------------------------------------------------------


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the stove.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required Pressure.


-------------------------------------------------------------------



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling At the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex Drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the Street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



-------------------------------------------------------------------



In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

.......................the end..........................

[Westernbiker]

Funny Football Quotes

Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo."

Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?"

Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: "Twenty years from now, today's football players will be saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell phones."

Deacon Jones: "I'm the best defensive end around. I'd hate to have to play against me."

Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: "Why didn't his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn't have had to run as many laps."

Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

Will Allen, then at Syracuse University, upon being introduced to Hall of Famer Lynn Swann and being told that Swann was one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history said: "And what team did you play for?"

Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commissioner: "I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling."

John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: "Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn...I mean Leon."

Deion Sanders, on why he doesn't like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: "Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves."

Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like "He Hate Me" during training camp, he suggested the following examples: "He Doesn't Listen,"; "He Jumps Offsides"; and "He Can't See."

Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson's halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: "so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn't do it first."

Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: "The pads don't keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed."

Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: "The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people."

Tom Arnold, of Fox Sports Net's Best Damn Sports Show Period, during the "Things you wouldn't say to.... segment, said this about Warren Sapp: "Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right --- they are the dumbest team in America."

Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, suggesting that Terry Bradshaw wasn't very smart: "He's so dumb, he couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the 'c' and the 'a'."

Ricky Williams: "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football."

William "The Refrigerator" Perry: "I've been big ever since I was little."

Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: "It would've been worth it if I hadn't gotten caught."