The definition of too drunk.....Funny.

[klb]

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

[The emperor has no clothes]

  thankfully I haven’t got that drunk yet.

[Serk]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.

He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".

Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.

He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the 'ATR' button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[Jess from VA]

You guys are killing me.   

[NewValker]

Yup, that’s why I quit drinking...
Craig

[The emperor has no clothes]

Yup, that’s why I quit drinking...
Craig

You took a dump in a mop bucket ? Uh....never mind, don't answer that Craig. 

[Skinhead]

You took a dump in a mop bucket ?

Who here hasn't?

[The emperor has no clothes]

You took a dump in a mop bucket ?

Who here hasn't?

[Hook#3287]

Yup, that’s why I quit drinking...
Craig

You took a dump in a mop bucket ? Uh....never mind, don't answer that Craig. 

Got a story in that statement Craig?

[Serk]

You took a dump in a mop bucket ?

Who here hasn't?

Here's a friendly reminder from our friends at UNICEF (I mean, we paid for it, we might as well get some enjoyment outta the fruits of those labors, right?) that some seem to need, evidently...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll0GCPFpNQs

[NewValker]

 

[JimBob]

This reminds me of something that happened to my buddy Mike (last name omitted to protect the guilty) many years ago.

It was New Year’s eve at the end of 1974.
The northern Virginia night was clear and cold, perhaps just a few degrees above freezing, with the stars shining brightly in the dark sky.
My buddy Mike was at a New Year’s Eve party, and the refreshments were flowing freely.
At some point late in the evening, Mike got into his trusty 1965 Triumph TR-4 (one of the old classic British sports cars of the day, the convertible top of which was considered somewhat of an accessory item), and started home.  
Now it was much more fun to drive a TR with the top down than with the top up, and Mike always drove with the top down unless it was raining.  True to form on this clear cold night, Mike had the top down, and was wearing a heavy coat, a knit ‘watch cap’, and heavy gloves.
As he drove west along I-66 (which in those days and at that time of night, was pretty much deserted) from the party, a few miles to his turn-off at US route 50, Mike realized that he was going TOO FAST for the condition he was in. He slowed down and just eased along. After a while he decided that he was still going too fast, and shifted down from 4th to 3rd gear, and drove along. Pretty soon he realized that he was still going too fast, and shifted down again, to 2nd gear. By this time he was on the very long and winding exit ramp from I-66 to US route 50. Presently he decided that he was STILL going too fast. He shifted down to 1st gear, eased over to the right and put-putted along on the shoulder of the road.
He was putting along when a VA State Trooper pulled up behind him and turned on his beacon.
Mike stopped. The Trooper got out of his cruiser, walked up to Mike’s car, looked down at him and asked him “Sir, why are you driving down the shoulder of the road at EIGHT miles an hour?
Mike looked up at him and replied “Because I’m Too Drunk to Stand Up.”
The trooper asked him where he lived, and Mike said that his home was about 3 miles away… up the ramp, up US 50 to West Ox road, along West Ox road to Vale road, then down Vale road to his house.
 The Trooper told him “continue on, and I’ll follow you to make sure you get home all right.”
So Mike started off along the shoulder again, still putting along in first gear, with the Trooper following him, with his beacon going.  Up the long ramp to US 50, up US 50 to West Ox road, along West Ox road to Vale road, then down Vale road to his house.
Once Mike was stopped in his driveway, the Trooper got out of his cruiser, helped Mike get to his front door, then said “Go in and get some sleep…… and Don’t EVER Do That Again!”

Now, I was not there, but Mike was my best friend for many years, he told it to me as a true story, and I took him at his word. It was somewhat easier times than today, and some of the VA state troopers were pretty good guys and would cut you some slack if you were doing something stupid, but TRYING to do the right thing.