Observations of Steven Wright

[bassman]

Observations of Steven Wright
 
Steven Wright is the famously erudite comic who once said: 'I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.' His mind sees things differently than most of us, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
 
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
2 - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
 
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
 
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot .
.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
 
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand .
 
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend....but she left me before we met.
 
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 
18 - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
19 - I intend to live forever.....so far, so good.
 
20 - Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
 
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
23 - My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'
 
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 
28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 
29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
 
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[The emperor has no clothes]

  for me what really makes him a great comedian is his deadpan delivery.

[NautiBrit]

for me what really makes him a great comedian is his deadpan delivery.

That's not deadpan, it's restrained enthusiasm.

[RP#62]

I got  microwave fireplace.  Now I can sit in front of the fire all night in 5 minutes.

I was crossing the Canadian border and the border guard asked me if I had any firearms.  I said, what do you need?

my favorites,

 -RP

[MarkT]

I was crossing the Canadian border and the border guard asked me if I had any firearms.  I said, what do you need?

Now that's funny!  However those guards don't have any sense of humor and if you crack this joke you'll be spread-eagled on the pavement!  I really wanted to use my warped humor but I had been cautioned not to.  This dude on our Canada ride, talking with this hippie in the van down by the river, was wearing biker leathers with his vest covered with Americana biker patches, right in front of me at the border and he got SERIOUSLY grilled and almost patted down. The guard said, "if I search you and all your stuff and I find a gun, you'll get to wear my nice shiny bracelets and get free room and board!"  Which then continued with gun & alcohol questions to me.  I had checked my carry at a local pawn shop to be picked up on my return.  And was (wisely I might add) wearing a synthetic armored jacket with no patches, riding a Gold Wing.

[old2soon]

         10 dash 4 and roger that on the border guards absent sense of humor. Company I drove for at the time had forced dispatch. I was compelled to go north. Can't recollect now what I said but a 240 poind plus female Canadian border guard felt she had to toss my sleeper. I had just put fresh sheets on my bed and she got up in My Bedroom with muddy boots!  Stupid fat cow-I Thought that But did NOT say it out loud. The next time that outfit tried to send me to Canada I asked them if they were in fact and deed forcing me to go to a foreign country. They said no so I did Not go to Canada again. I'm guessin here but are the Canadian border guards Still absent a sense of humor? RIDE SAFE.

[Ken aka Oil Burner]

I used to be big into snowmobiling. We would trailer up to northern New Hampshire most of the time. Due to the location, we could ride NH, Maine, Vermont, or venture into Canada pretty easily. Pre 9/11, the border crossing was pretty lenient most of the time. I have a tendency to be a sarcastic SOB, and one-liners have been known to flow rapidly from my pie hole at times. A group of 6 of us were heading to Sherbrooke one day, and the border guard asked me my intentions for traveling into Canada that fine day. Personally, I thought it was obvious, but I come from an area where snowmobiles aren't used as normal transportation, even during the snowy months. My response of "hookers and blow" was not well received that particular morning. I've since learned to keep things a bit more professional, as not everyone has the twisted sense of humor that I do.