H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Jess from VA]

Here is a good story that is fun to insert the names of two wives in your group of friends, to make it more personal and funny.  I don't know any VRCC females well enough to use their names in the story, as it is just a bit off color.   But you get the idea. 

The two female handles in this version are members of a local SCRC crowd.

___________________________________________________________

FieryRedhead and WetSpot had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over enthusiastic on the cosmos.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  FieryRedhead had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  Wetspot however was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them.  She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and she proceeded to use that.  After the girls did what they needed to do they proceeded home.

The next day one husband called the other and said, " These girls nights out have to stop.  FieryRedhead came home with no panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband.  "Wetspot came home with a card stuck in her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station.  We will never forget you!"

[Roy]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption...

 


One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.



Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.



He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 








~

[Roy]

Dough Boy Dies
 

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.


 
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

 
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

 
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

 
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

 
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.






~

[Roy]

Need New Wipers...
 

I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.
 
My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
 
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.
 
I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.
 
I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.


 
Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.

[RoadKill]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

　

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

　

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

　

"I have 4 questions First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

　

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

　

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right question time. Who has a question?"

　

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

　

"Steve," he responds.

　

"And what is your question, Steve?"

　

Actually, I have 6 questions.

　

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?"

　

 

[Jess from VA]

An old  gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
       tomato garden,  but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
       His only son,  Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
       wrote a letter to his  son and described his predicament:
 
       Dear  Vincent,
       I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to  plant my
       tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a  garden
       plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
       be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old  days.
       Love,
       Papa
 
       A few days later he  received a letter from his son.
       
        Dear  Papa,
       Don't dig  up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
       Love,
       Vinnie
 
 
       At 4 a.m. the  next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
       the entire area  without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
       and left.   That  same day the old man received another letter from his  son.
 
 
        Dear  Papa,
       Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could  do under the  circumstances.
       Love  you,
       Vinnie

[Roy]

L O L  !!

 

[¿spoom]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?" 

[pitbull]

I was in a bar last week and got chatting to a very very attractive woman in her late 50's.

After a few drinks she asked me if I would walk her home,we strolled to her house and just before we got there she said to me "Have you ever had a mother and daughter threesome?"

For her age she was gorgeous and I couldn't help imagining what a great time I was in for.With great anticipation we hurried to her door,the house was in darkness,she put her key in the lock,opened the door and yelled up to the bedroom,,,







"Mom,,,are you still awake?"

[Roy]

       

Good one.

[Roy]

PG - 13



Rex (barks) about his success in a 12 Step Program...





~
























~

[Roy]

Saint Bernard wearing  .  .  .  .  . Doggles















~

[Roy]

P U N S......


In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact,several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.
 
We all know what happened to the Titanic,and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.

-----


A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
 
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

-----



Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
 
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."


 
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"









~

 
 

[Roy]

Rasin Bread...


The owner of the general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea, I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man is provided with a excellent view. Once she descends the ladder he decides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customers notice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down the ladder.


After many trips up and down the ladder she is very tired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,she notices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells at the elderly man.



"Is yours raisin too?"






" No," croaks the old man, "but its a quivering"










~

[Roy]

The last word...



Frank was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," Frank said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."


"What did she say?" asked the friend.



Frank replied,   "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"









~

[Roy]

A Pun on French Cusine.





The Racing Snail...


There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'






`

[Roy]

Two priests were standing next to each other at the urinals. One happens to look down and see a nicotine patch on the other's johnson.

 
The first priest says' "Pardon my intrusion but you're supposed to wear those patches on your arm."

 
The second priest replies,"Whatever works, I'm down to two butts a day!"






~

[Roy]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
 

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
 

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she Never told a lie.
 

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'


'Where's the U. S. House and Senate  clocks?' asked the man.


Those clocks are in Jesus' office. He's using them as a ceiling fan.







~

[Roy]

A Pun from the 17th Century...


Becky, a gold miner's daughter, dearly loved Clem, but was too shy to tell him.
 

One day she learned that Clem was about to marry someone else, so she got her courage up and decided to find Clem, stop the wedding if necessary, and tell him how she felt. She had saddled her horse and was about to leave, when her father appeared and wanted to know why she was in such a hurry.


 
"Oh, father," cried Becky, "I hope I can find my darling Clem in time!"






~

[Roy]

Who would wear this Men's European Pocket swimwear?
















~

[DarkMeister]

Male Fairy Tale:

 Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful princess,
"Will you marry me?"
 
The Princess said, "NO!" and the Prince lived happily ever
 after and rode motorcycles and had sex with skinny big breasted chicks and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his
 house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
 
The End

[The Anvil]

It's funny cuz they lived.

[Jess from VA]

MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged my Computer, and threw out my beer.   

[Jess from VA]

Some of us have had brushes with the law in recent months. I did something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks. Having far too much scotch and knowing I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident.

It was a real surprise since I have never driven a bus before.

[Roy]

Very Tight Mini Skirt...




In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.



Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.



So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.



Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.



About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.'








~

[Roy]

FOREST GUMP AT THE PEARLY GATES OF HEAVEN...



The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.   

 However, the gates are closed,

and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,

it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.   

I must   tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, 

and we have been administering 

an entrance examination for everyone.   

 The test is short, but you have to

pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.   

 But nobody ever told me about any entrance

exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

 Life was a big enough test

as it was.'


St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I

know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


 

First:

What two days of the week

begin with the letter T?


 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?


 

Third:

What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions over.   

 He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the

first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow..'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and

he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

for that answer.   How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.


'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds

in a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's

got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

   'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

you credit for that one, too.   

 Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'


'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated

and frustrated St Peter.


'Ok, I can understand how you

came up with your answers to my first two questions, 

 but just how in the

world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest

one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'











~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Roy]

Ferrari   VS   the Moped...




A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.


He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.


The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"


The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"


"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.



So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"


Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.



Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!


"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.



He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"


The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"








~~

[Roy]

Cinderella and the Prince...


CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her.


As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"


"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin."


Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m . The appointed hour comes
and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.


"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"


" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."


The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of
power!

Tell me his name!"







~





Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter,
something or other..."

[Roy]

Windshield Strength Test...



Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
Standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of
Airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
At maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
Incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
Of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
To test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
Engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
The chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
Shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
Console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
Embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow
Shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
Of the experiment, along with the designs of the
Windshield and begged the U.S. . Scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo --






*
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Defrost the chicken."










~

[Roy]

Stranded for 10 years!


A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"


She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"


Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"



And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

 

[Roy]

Scientific evidence of why you feel smarter after a few beers...




Buffalo theroy of Beer


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular killing of it's weakest members!

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But we know the alcohol attacks the weakest and slowest brain cells first....which means that regular and excessive alcohol consumption eliminates the weaker cells and leaves the brain to be a faster and more efficient machine!  That is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!









~

[tank_post142]

i'm headed out in an hour or so to become a genius!

[Roy]

Three hot Blonde Police Recruits...



Three blondes were all applying for the last available position with Hampshire Police Constabulary.
 
The officer conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
 "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The officer got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be in the police, you have to be able to detect. 

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
 "Now,"
 He said,
"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said,
"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The officer shook his head and said,
 "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!   
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The  officer then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, 

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The  officer put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!   
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The  officer turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
 "This is probably a waste of time, but...." 
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
 "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said,
 "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The  officer frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
 He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"



The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
 "Well,  Hellooooooooooooo!



 With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."








~

[Roy]

Ed Zackery disease...


Chinese Sex Therapist visit_


After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.

He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
 
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
 
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"

 
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse.







~

[Roy]

Medical Update...

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name..

 
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.


Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen..


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.



 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

 
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 


 Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra
will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

 
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. 

 

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


 

 

 

 






~

[Roy]

M S D S. . . . FOR WOMEN


MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.

2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.










~

[Roy]

The proctologist and the psychiatrist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

 Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

 "Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

 Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

 Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

 Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !

 So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

 "Nuts and Butts".....no way.

 "Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

 "Loons and Moons".....forget it.

 Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:











 "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"

 Everyone loved it.










~

[Roy]

Old West Pun for the young...



In the Old West.

The saloon doors swing open and dust and sunlight roll in together.

A three legged dog slowly steps into the saloon and stops.

He looks around the room slowly with a scowl on his face.

 

 

 

 
~
 

 

 

He says very seriously,

 

 

 

 

 
~
 

 

 

I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw.




`````````````````````````````

[DarkMeister]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
 
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
 
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.
 
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
 
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
 

[Roy]

Attorney sues for Fire damage to his Cigars...



A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
 
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
 
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
 
The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)
 
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
 
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
 
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
 
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
 
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
Took place in Charlotte, NC.









~~~