H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

That's Nutrition...


Nutrition For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.







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[Roy]

Ausse Wedding night...


An Aussie stockman  and his wife had just got married and stopped at an outback hotel on their wedding night.

When they get to the suite,he starts throwing all of the furniture in the hallway to only leave a vacant room.She asks him what he's doing and he replies

"Well mate ,I've never had a woman before,but if you're anything like a kangaroo,we'll need all the room we can get."






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[Roy]

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Marriage



A woman tells her husband, "if I die before you, I want you to know that I have no problem with you remarrying. I want you to be happy."

 "Yes, dear," he replies, barely looking up from the newspaper.

 After a while, she thinks some more though, and asks, "If you remarry, do you think you'll bring your wife to live in our house?"

 "Certainly, dear, it's a fine house in a great neighborhood, and with the market this way I'd hate to lose all this equity"

 A little while longer, and "If you remarry, will you take your new wife into our bed?"

 "Darling, that's a $2000 bed, the best money can buy! There's no sense in replacing it!"

 Quiet some more, and finally "Would your new wife use my golf clubs?"

 "Of course not! She's left-handed!"






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[OzarkRider]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Engineer Friday...



Two engineering students meet on campus. One is riding a nice new mountain bike.

His buddy asks, "Hey where did you get the bike?"

The first engineer student said, "You wouldn't believe it. This pretty blonde rode up on this bike. Jumped off. Tore off all her clothes and laid on the ground. Then she said, 'take what ever you want!'"

His buddy says, "Good choice!"






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[Roy]

Jewish Quarterback...


THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell *you!*" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........****

 ****

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"I will never forgive you for making us move to ****Chicago**** !!!!****







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[Roy]

11:48



We have many jokes like this, mostly to the idea that cops are dumb: (but not really)!


Chief of the team says:  The raid will start exactly at 11:48, for guys with digital watch I repeat nightstick, nightstick, chair and snowman.






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[Roy]

How to make men want to wash their hands. . .




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[Roy]

Going to the Dentist on Friday...


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A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, “ That new upper plate that I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replied, “ All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything...meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”

“Well,” said the dentist. “That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eating away at your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asked the patient.

The dentist replied, “It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”







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[Roy]

School Sick Day excuses ..



Actual text of notes sent to school to excuse their offspring from classes. These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Are you getting the idea the gene pool needs a little chlorine!

7. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

8. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

9. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

10. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

11. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

12. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the craps.

13. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

14. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

15. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

16. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

17. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Hold on... it gets worse...

18. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

19. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

20. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

21. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

22. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

23. Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.







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[Roy]

Lewinski's Dress...


Monica Lewinski took a dress into the cleaners today. The owner of the shop had a

hard time understanding English. Lewinski said she had a stain on her dress

needing to be removed. The shop owner said, “Come again?” Lewinski said, “No, it’s mayonnaise.”





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[Roy]

Pearly Gates...



Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

 St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

 St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

 God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here.

 This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

 St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

 "No. The Pearly Gates."






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[Roy]

Smart Kid . . .


One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.

"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"

"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."






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[Jess from VA]

So I  stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.  Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful"options.  The seats were of particular interest.  He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and  directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with  him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.  Damn guy had no sense of  humor.

[Roy]

In what year and where and by who were Women Officially declared Human ?





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The Council of Macon: In the year 584, in Lyons, France, 43 bishops held a debate: “Are Women Human?” After much debate, a vote was taken. The results were 32: yea, 31: nay. Women were declared human by one vote...only!






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[bigguy]

[Roy]

Beiber Who ?

[Roy]

3 Italian Nuns...


Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says:

 "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want to be. "

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren,"  and, POOF, she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna,"  and, POOF, she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Virgiuni Pipalini."  St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"  he inquires. "Virginia Pipalini,"  replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."  The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says:

"No, sister, the paper says it was the  'Virginia pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."






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[OzarkRider]

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[Roy]

 .  . 

[Roy]

Welcome to the 21st Centuy



Our Phones ~ Wireless

 *Cooking ~ Fireless

 *Cars ~ Keyless

 *Food ~ Fatless

 *Tires ~ Tubeless

 *Dress ~ Sleeveless

 *Youth ~ Jobless

 *Leaders ~ Shameless

 *Relationships ~ Meaningless

 *Attitude ~ Careless

 *Wives ~ Fearless

 *Babies ~ Fatherless

 *Feelings ~ Heartless

 *Education ~ Valueless

 *Children ~ Mannerless

 Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless.

 In fact we are ~ Speechless






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[Roy]

Makeup Question...

What kind of makeup does a Cajun Majorette wear?




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Baton Rouge






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[Roy]

Marriage is a Sentence not a word...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”.

The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.

 The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

 “Yes, I remember” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 25 years?”
 “I remember that too” she replies softly.

 He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today”.







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[grandpaweaver]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
 
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
 
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Roy]

New Keeper at the zoo...


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

 As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

 Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything

 Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

 He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

 Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

 He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

 As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

 By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because Lions eat anything.

 Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

 The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.







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[Roy]

New Truck Feature...



I hear Ford is making a heated tailgate option for its trucks starting next year. It's so your hands don't get cold when you're pushing it home in the winter. 






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[cookiedough]

New Truck Feature...



I hear Ford is making a heated tailgate option for its trucks starting next year. It's so your hands don't get cold when you're pushing it home in the winter. 


I thought that is what the 'eco-boost' was for?



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[Roy]

Two old ladies...



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

 Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."






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[Roy]

When an Engine Fails.....   (Borrowed from an Irish MC site)

An Irish man, an English man, a Scots man and a Welsh man were all on an airplane together when one of the engines fails..
The pilot explains the situation to the all of the passengers. He tells them if someone doesn't jump out they will all be dead...
He asks who is prepared to die for the greater good, adding that they will be remembered as a hero forever...
The brave Scots man says 'Ok then, i will do this for the glory of my country' and jumps out...
The pilot turns around and tells the remaining passengers that the plane is still going down and someone else must do the right thing..
The Welsh man tells every one that as he is the oldest out of all the passengers, he will take the plunge, so he jumps out...
Again the pilot turns around and says, its helping but we need 1 more to jump for the rest of the passengers to survive...

So the Irish man says 'well I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I will do this for the greater good and for the glory of my country...
So he grabs the English man and throws him out the door...






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[Jess from VA]

Statistics lie...the most dangerous place in the world is a hospital.  Statistically, the vast majority of people that die do so in a hospital.

So if you are ever in a motorcycle crash, ask the ambulance driver to take you to the titty bar.

Surprisingly few people die there.

You may WISH you were dead the next morning, but few people actually die there.

Never trust statistics until you have vetted the source.

Ride safe,

[Roy]

Women's T-shirts...



1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
 2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
 3. And your point is...
 4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
 5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
 6. You KNOW you want me.
 7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
 8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
 9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
 10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
 11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
 12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
 13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
 14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
 15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

 



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[OzarkRider]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

[OzarkRider]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast !!!

[bigguy]

[Super Santa]

Boy, was that a comedy of errors.  Wonder who paid that bill.

[Jess from VA]

There's really an easier way to wash your vehicles.     

[Roy]

Ouch...

[Roy]

Gotta watch what those Krauts are doing . . .  Could this be the start of the Fourth Reich in Munich?

voXXclub - "Rock mi" Flashmob in den Riem Arcaden in München	powered by Aeva

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[Roy]

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Shot In The Head --News Story
 

 Linda Burrnnrett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He
 noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He
 asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the
 back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

 The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head

 When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

 Linda is a bleached blonde and a California resident..

 The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2011, so, it was determined to be way past the "Use By Date"


 


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