H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

The Red Dot.


o



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a liquor store, a doughnut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.









`

[Roy]

Thanks for the Help!




Two female teachers took a group of students from grades
1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When
it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice,
she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and
began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and
shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the
teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race,
but I really appreciate your help.'





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[Roy]

`



Ouch!




Business Man in 1st Class, to a Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!






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[Roy]

`




Brake lights not working well?  Take command with your own pro brake job.






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[Roy]

We never knew.




Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles,
with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers,

2 tons of heroin,

$12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes,

all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit folks were stunned.

A community organizer said: 'We be shocked! We never knowed we had a library.’






`

[Roy]

Sneakin into the U S A






`
http://safeshare.tv/w/eUqDmyBbir








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[Roy]

`




Texas Sheriff's Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"





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[Roy]

`


WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS
> >
> >
> > > 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
> > > 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
> > > 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
> > > 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
> > > 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
> > > 15. THINGS I CAN NOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
> > > 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
> > > 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
> > > 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
> > > 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
> > > 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
> > > 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
> > > 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
> > > 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
> > > 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
> > > 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
> > > 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
> > > 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
> > > 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
..........1. Jose Canseco's guide to gun cleaning.







`

[Roy]

`


Election Funnies...





The problem with political jokes is they get elected.—Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.—Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.—Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.—Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.—Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.—Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.—John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.—Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.—Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.—Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.—Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.—Doug Larson

There ought to be one day—just one—when there is open season on Congressmen.—Will Rogers

`

[Roy]

Not a betting man...



A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for? " The man asked. The wife replied: "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket." The man said: "Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "

 The wife apologized & went on with the housework. 3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan. The man shouted in pain. . "What was that for? " Wife replied: "Your horse phoned. "







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[Roy]

`


Mama Bears don't mess around...





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Bj_W16kEw







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[Roy]

Simple Quiz...




1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

...What was the third child's name?



2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers

....What does he weigh?



3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,

...what was the highest mountain in the world?



4. How much dirt is there in a hole

...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?



5. What word in the English language

...is always spelled incorrectly?



6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.

....How is this possible?



7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.

...Why not?



8. What was the President's name

...in 1975?



9. If you were running a race,

...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?



10. Which is correct to say,

... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?



11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?



Here are the Answers



1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?



Answer: Johnny of course



2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.



3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]



4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.



5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly



6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere



7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.



8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]



9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.



10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]



11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

[Willow]

100%

[grandpaweaver]

I missed the presidents name, was going back and thought Nixon maybe but not sure. The one we have now I hope I forget him too.

[Roy]

`
Pay for the food . . .




There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper

or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his.

It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin,

"I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."






`

[Roy]

Dumping



The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his

pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping

garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says:

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

[Roy]

Diesel Fitter . .




Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

[Roy]

Ford Motor Co. new policy...



The Ford Motor Company is giving away a dog with every new Ford purchase, that way you have someone to walk home with.

[Roy]

Our friend Jesse shops for a Wash Machine...



So the Jesse Jackson was shopping in a local Sears store one day.

He had questions about the machines that the clerk could not answer so the clerk called the store manager, who asked,

"What's the problem here, Reverend?"

Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were White.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend,

it's true that most of the washing machines are White,
but if you'll open the lids, You'll see that most of the Agitators are Black."





`

[Roy]

Sterile ?

[Roy]

Do you hear what I hear ? ?



An English businesswoman explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews,in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control. "But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."

The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her. "What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?" "Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing!"

[Roy]

Frigid Harsh Weather ahead...


It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Montana asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist
at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to
be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy.'

[Roy]

Tips from the Backwoods Book of Manners...


.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'


WEDDINGS
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records.

[Roy]

Tuffest Cowboy...


Three Cowboys Are Sitting Around The Campfire Out On The Lonesome Prairie; With The Bravado For Which Each Is Famous, It Is A Night Of Tall Tales.




The Guy From Montana Says, 'i Must Be The Strongest, Meanest, Toughest Cowboy There Is. Why, Just The Other Day, A Bull Got Loose In The Corral. It Had Gored Six Men Before I Wrestled It To The Ground By The Horns With My Bare Hands And Castrated That Sucker With My Teeth.'





The Guy From Colorado Couldn't Stand To Be Bested. 'that's Nothing, I Was Walking Down The Trail Yesterday And A Fifteen-foot Diamondback Rattler Slid Out From Under A Rock And Made A Move For Me. I Grabbed That Bastard With My Bare Hands, Bit It's Head Off And Sucked The Poison Down In One Gulp And Didn't Even Get A Belly Ache.'





The Cowboy From Texas Remained Silent, Slowly Stirring The Campfire Coals With His Pecker.




`

[Roy]

Don't leave just yet . . .



There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he thought of a plan.

Halfway through the next lecture, he began his dirty story; "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, got up and started for the door. "Slow down ladies," said the professor with a smirk, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[bigguy]

Back around the turn of the last century the hired hands were just finishing up dipping the sheep at a large ranch. Suddenly, over the hill came a big, tuff looking man riding on a grizzly bear. As he got closer they could see that he was guiding it with a halter made of living rattle snakes. He rode up to the shack, dismounted, and tied the bear to the rail with the snakes.
“I’m thirsty,” He boomed.
Wide eyed and slack jawed, the sheep hand told him they didn’t have anything to drink.
“I settle for water,” he said. “It’s the middle of July and I’ve been riding that bear hard for three days with out stopping. Even water will taste good right now.”
The hands timidly explained that the only water they had, had been used in the sheep dip.
“That’ll do just fine,” declared the stranger. He then picked up the trough in which the sheep had been dipped and drained it in a few gulps. He then headed back to the bear and began untying the snakes.
“Hang on just a second mister,” said one of the sheep hands. “I’ve got the say that you’re the toughest man we’ve ever seen.”
“Is that so?” said the stranger. “Well then you just wait a couple of hours until that som-a-bitch that’s chasing me gets here.”

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Hope you don't mind if I share that one Biggie?   

Won't be sharing any jokes for a a week or two. . . going hiking in the deep snows of
the Mountains of Northern Idaho.

[bigguy]

Good deal at Home Depot

[Jess from VA]

And I've got just the aunt. 

[Roy]

A few new and some old Redneck Definitions...


Barium - What the Undertaker does with 'em when the Doctor's done with 'em
Benign - What a child be after they be eight
Cauterize - To have gotten noticed by pretty woman
Cyst - To give someone in need a helpin' hand
Dilate - It sure beats dyin' early
Impotent - Someone significant and distinguished


Node - To have been aquainted with someone in the past
Pap Smear - To insult or belittle your own Daddy
Pathology - The study of trails
Rectum - Crashed 'em and totaled 'em
Tumor - Not just one more
X-Rayed - Foradult audiences only

[Roy]

50th Anniversary Celebration...


"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"





`

[Roy]

Einstein Joke...



Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be nearly 132 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed". He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

Oh, stop moaning! I don't write this, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the hell out of all that political & Ferguson crap.



 

`

[Roy]

`
Things that make sense?





1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is
grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of
mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will
grab whatever is available.

AND

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit...A recent study
found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men
who mention it..

[Jess Tolbirt]

do regular dogs see police dogs and say to each other, o crap its the cops!!!!

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Rudolf...




A tour guide named Rudolph was giving a tour in Moscow, Russia, when the weather turned foul.

"Is this rain or sleet?" asked one of the ladies in the tour group.

"Definately rain." said the tour guide.

"How do you know?" asked the lady.






He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."






`

[Roy]

A Christmas Carol Parrot...


A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot. "This is the only parrot we have, and his name is, Chet."

"He's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, Chet will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under Chet's left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought, and said, "This is Chet."

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does he know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."

Then he lit a match and put it under Chet's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing, 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under Chet's left foot, and he began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs. The parrot started singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."






`

[bigguy]

[Roy]

`
MAYDAY!



An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communications, was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone
out of his pocket, and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial
memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the #$%* in my pants is sliding out of my collar."