H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[mike72903]

women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

[grandpaweaver]

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:



They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.  A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.  She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)



A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.



As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.



The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.



This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.



And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!



I tried to check this out on Snopes, and they said I was a pervert!

[Roy]

       

[bigguy]

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Business in the Middle East...


A American Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.







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[Roy]

Complete VS Finished...



No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between
"complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London
England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, SamsundarBalgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.


Some say there is no difference between "complete" and
"finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy
to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman,
you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are
"finished." And, when the right woman catches you with the
wrong woman, you are "completely finished."

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.





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[Roy]

How to open a bottle or can of Beer.







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https://www.youtube.com/embed/0QmKHfYfovk?rel=0










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[Roy]

Lotto Winner. . .


At breakfast, the husband says to the wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take my half and leave you," she says.

"Great!" he replied. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's your 6....Stay in touch."

[Roy]

Medical Entrance exam...



When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

In the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' and
form the name of an important human body part which is most useful
when erect .

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.






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[Roy]

For educated minds...


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk  worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.





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[Valkorado]

BUBBA BOUDREAUX went to LSU on a football scholarship.  He was a great running back, but a poor student.  On graduation day, Bubba Boudreaux didn't have enough credits.  But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway.  They were so insistent that the dean agreed: if Bubba could answer one question correctly, he would give him a diploma.
The one-question test was held in the auditorium, and all the students packed the place.  It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage, and told Bubba to come up.  Then the dean, with the diploma in his hand, said, "Mr. Boudreaux, if you can answer this question correctly, I'll give you your diploma."
Bubba said he was ready, and the dean asked him the question.  "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, deeply pondering the question.  The LSU students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway!  Graduate him anyway!"
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent.  Bubba said, "I think I know the answer.  Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium.  Then the LSU students began another chant.   "Give him another chance!  Give him another chance!"

[jimmytee]

 

[Roy]

Letters rearranged...



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






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[Roy]

Just one of those days...



There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?"






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

They aren't happy . . .




They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ...
They're not happy in Somalia ...


SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !



AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...

How frigging dumb can you get?



Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.





Let’s have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No **** Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!





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[R J]

That is a gooder one Roy.

You are right, they are not happy at home and then move to another country and try to change it to like what they left and didn't like.

Someone told them when they died or got killed they would get 20 virgins, they actually misunderstood them, that should have been 20 pissed off Virginians.

 

[Roy]

Out of the mouths of babes...



LOL out of the mouth of babes...
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'







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[Roy]

The Sensuous wife...



"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband."No"...said her husband.She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly. "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... She then asked her husband?"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

 She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... And started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.


"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... And excited). "Well, go look in the garage!"...she said​..

[Roy]

...





Man Walks into his Psychiatrists Office..



So, a man walks into a Physiatrist's office wearing nothing but clear stretch wrap and asks the doctor, "do you think I am crazy?". The doctor looks at him for a few minutes and replies, "I'm not sure if you are crazy or not, but I can clearly see your nuts!"









* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Roy]

`


Another guy walks into the psyciatrists office. The doctor asks so how can I help you today. The patient replies I think I'm a pair of curtains. The psyciatrists examines the man and said sorry I'm afraid I can't help you just go home and pull yourself together..





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[Roy]

No matter which side you are on in this matter, this is funny. Here
is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page:
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by
the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue
that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would
exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to
offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must
move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the
Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference
the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the
Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a
team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference
to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion
among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message
to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting
or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to
our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message
to our children. So, there you go. We need to support any legislation
that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will
likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of
thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in
mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the
Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers."   






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[Jess from VA]

 

[R J]

Gee, I didn't realize I was offended by these team names.

Momma, day is a pickin on me..........

[bigguy]

But But, I LIKE Beavers!

[Roy]

        

[R J]

But But, I LIKE Beavers!

bigguy, fuzzy or plain?

[bigguy]

But But, I LIKE Beavers!

bigguy, fuzzy or plain?

Wouldn't pass on either one, but I do prefer a little fuzz.

[Roy]

`



She has requested a TSA wanding and search in a private room away from all the onlookers.


















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[RDAbull]

Nah, She wants everybody to watch.
Might just have to oblige her.

[Roy]

Taking a Drunk Home...



 guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives,

but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?







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[Roy]

`

2014 Darwin Awards...



Darwin Awards 2014
Better than the Academy Awards!
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]: A Dunkirk, IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.


Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the ..22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.







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[bigguy]

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

meter is going off pretty good on this one. There's got to be a LOT more to this story than a guy thinking his pistol was a phone.

[..]

I checked into a motel last week and asked if the porn channel was disabled.

The receptionist looked at me and said..............

"No you freak it's regular".

[Roy]

`
HEADLIGHTS NOT WORKING ?, Works with MC's too.

















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[R J]

When I was assigned to San Francisco area, my partner & I escorted a poor little old lady about 10 miles home due to no lights.

Partner in front, and I brought up the rear, we had our blues running, no siren.

Poor old sweet lady, he was worried she was going to have to sleep in her car and then drive home when the sun came up.

If she hadn't of been illegally parked, we would have never known she had a problem.

[Jess from VA]

Mirror repair.


Steering wheel.


Door lock.


Sunroof repair.


Trunk repair.



Tire repair.



Body work. (nice color match)


Or not.


Car alarm.


AC upgrade.


Upholstery upgrade.


Cup holder.


Bumper repairs.






Kickstand upgrade.


Window repair.


Thermostat repair?


And my personal favorite.


I think I'm seeing a pattern here.

Hey good lookin'.

[Roy]

How to really feel safe.


I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the local Neighbourhood
Watch program

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each
corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police , NSA , the CIA as well as a whole heap of other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7

I've never felt safer.

[Roy]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?





Marry It!